Remember when it rained?

Do i like the rain because i like the rain? or because... it's raining

So much to Grow...

i've been thinking about myself quite a lot recently, and what life probably has in store for me. i just enjoy this video so much. craig is really good, and i hope to be like him one day. - and for some strange reason, as i think and type this out, i have a scottish accent in my brain. -

i've got so much more to grow...

The man with the big rimmed glasses

I hardly ever think about it, but I guess its also I never really knew that much, and only recently come of age to understand it better. I’m on an MRT on the way to meet Saloma, and I see this old man with large specs, those with the square frame, which I guess quite a few people of that generation dons. with his hair a brilliant white with streaks of his youth once passed, he reminded me of a fellow, that I sometimes just forget to think about. (the fact that he stands in the MRT, while people pretend to sleep, doesn’t make me very happy either)

Its funny that one of the biggest things I remember about my paternal grandpa was his squarish almost oblong-ish spectacles. I think it was his reading glasses, because most of the time he doesn’t wear specs… I think. But he was a very softspoken man, not the social person my maternal grandpa was, which is why at times I fail to remember all the times he was around.

I remembered playing the favourite grandson well, I always greeted him, and was very caring about him, but apart from that, I never really got to know him. As in really know him. I knew he co-owned a provisions shop which we often frequented, but it closed down a number of years before 2003, couldn’t keep up with the growing rent or something. Now that is real history, and we still have the store sign, nicely touched up, waiting to find a space on one of the walls at home.

I’m not sure if regret is the right word in this case, because I sincerely wished that I could live this few years of my life with him still around. In the past 4 almost 5 years, I discovered so much about myself, and a kind of person I want to be, and knowing that, I wish he could have been part of this.

Seems weird to talk about him that way, I mean if he hasn’t been big in my life, I don’t really have to say so much, but at the same time I think that he did have some part in molding me, and I wish that he had molded more. Teochew. That has been a tipping point for me. In the past year plus, I have learnt more teochew than ever, that was because I wanted to communicate with my grandparents, maternal side that is, and the family just uses it so much, that I don’t want to be left out. Admittedly my teochew still is extremely weak, but I just feel so much closer to my family, especially my grandparents, when I speak to them in teochew.

I’ll continue more about this soon, hopefully. For now, i have come to realise I miss my grandfather, and that I am very grateful for him in my life.

New Age Chicken Rice War

Having lunch across the road, became the battleground for two clans. armed with their laser weaponry, they suit up for battle.

the sugarcane bo staff squeezing every last drop from the japanese side. the katsu don oil splattering everywhere. the sushi chef pulls out her light saber, but fails to bring out the straight beam. she fumbles desperately mashing her buttons, but only getting a soft white light.

the guffaws of menacing laughter, taunt the Unagi team to bring out thier head chef. Bzzt! pulls out a brilliant beam of red from the same saber the old apprentice still fumbles with. "the stupid new technology!" the old apprentice does not approve of such witchcraft, but the sugarcane seller is not as convinced. His army pulls out thier spare lights from every pocket and every keychain, and all beams on the old apprentice.

this is the end. old apprentice still does not know how to use a laser pointer... >.<

List

1) Why are so many people creating lists?
2) Sure it organises everything,
3) maybe i should go create a list too
4) but i like my way of doing things
5) my very own post it wall, with all sorts of post-its of what i need to do
6) but i don't update it regularly enough
7) can never find my pen to do it....

--- end of list 1 ---

1) there are a number of things i have to do this hols

2) but one big thing i need to do is reflect

3) every year i do so, but never intentionally plan to reflect

4) i just do.

5) but i guess this year i really gotta "wake up my idea"

6) funny how things happen that change my point of views.

7) i feel like i need to do something with myself

8) get going, go places, do things

9) very lazy

10) somewhat annoyed with myself

--- end of list 2 ---

1) what happened to days of being happy

2) not very like you is it?

3) balance balance balance, cannot trip myself up

4) its been a year

5) wow, its been a year

6) not the best year

7) but 'ere's been a 'ear, that prolly's quite dear

8) that was silly, weak too >.<

9) hard to rhyme -ear to fit the context.

10 ) i bet just didn't think long enough

11) this list thing is very... disjointed

--- end of list 3 ---

5) lists are very straight to the point

7) no flapping around redundencies

4) but quite cold huh?

2) its in our words that we show who we are

6) what can you tell from just "Do Laundry"

1) but it sorts out things in your head

3) unless the things you list are already scrambled up

--- end of lists ---

Monica and Chandler

i've loved "Friends" for the longest time. perhaps because i got to see so many episodes of in on Star World, but still, i think its one of the best shows.

one of the things i particularly liked about it was Chandler and Monica. Chandler alone i hilarious, with "could he BE any more funny?" and all the little inadequate quirks which make him such a brilliant character. but at the same time, he was like that guy with all the mess ups, but still looking for and eventually finding someone to love.

haha, i know i should not be wasting my sunday afternoon (the one just before going back to school, nonetheless) watching all the clips of ChanMon on youtube, but everytime i watch that pairing on screen, its just gives a good feeling.

I hope to find my Monica, someone that is a friend as much as a lover. Its not about finding the perfect person, its finding someone perfect for you. all the times she says "you really don't get women do you?" "uh.. no?" "that's okay :)" and that's how it is.

so many things, that i don't know how to put it. they have love, friendship, understanding, humour, little things that just give the relationship sparkle. most of all is that they have fun, there's not a lot of the mushy mushy, but much on the cute spurts of love even after getting married. if only all marraiges last that way.

i recently had 2 dreams (slept, dreamt, woke up, then slept again, dreamt again, then woke up same sitting, or rather sleeping) and in 2 dreams, i attended 5 weddings. or rather it was 2 weddings, but the first one 3 pairs got married at the same time, and the second time 2 pairs. the first time was friends, and the second was wedding of relatives.

a bit young for me to think about getting married right? afterall, "i am 16 going on 17, i am still naive" (sorry, watched sound of music on star movies!) but still, it makes me wonder what kind of a dad i would be. all the things people say they would do if they got married is not always the reality. i had one relative recently, that broke up with her husband, and i was the "escort boy" for their wedding.

its not usual for me to see a divorce, so i don't really understand it. so many things i don't understand, and yet i dream of marraige and finding a partner. Jon jon jon... silly hormonally charged saggittarious.

back to monica and chandler. cant help but sit and admire (to me) that perfect pair on screen. the love they share may be something made of dreams, or it could happen... can it?

to the writers od Friends, well done, on making such a beautiful couple, they shall be idols in my life, for quite some time to come :)

Mismatched

Qn: Why do people laugh after they cry?
Me: because after they let all the bad things out, then they can show the good things
Uncle: they must know how to be sad, then can learn to be happy
Girl: if they keep crying they will DIE!

Qn: Why do people pretend pretend?
Uncle: because everyone is doing it
Girl: but if you don't want to pretend, then don't be their friend!
Me: cuz its easier to hide than show the truth

Qn: why can't dogs and cats live together
Uncle: because their characters do not match
Girl: but they can be trained to live together

Qn: why does the big animal always eat the small animal?
Audience: it's nature, a vicious cycle (G: is it like bycycle? A: yah... :D)
Uncle: it is nature, it made it that way
Girl: but some big animals are afraid of small animals, like the elephant is scared of the mouse!

+++

I loved it completely, from the very tip of my fingers to the bottom of my heart. it seemed so accesible, and real. not in a realistic "it-will-happen" way, but a raw sense of emotion. and so familiar, yet so heart warming.

I forget how the venue of a play can change the whole feel of the play. Hello was the same, and Mismatched Girl was no different. the intamacy that can only be felt in a small room, where only a few can watch, but everyone can see every intimate detail on the actor's face. when props are kept simple and yet symbolic, and there is only the characters and you.

+++

Uncle: Girl, why you so sad?
Girl: because... we are moving away...
then i cannot see all the pretty lights anymore!
Uncle: No what, next time you move, can still see the lights what!
Girl: yah, but not the same without you
Uncle: HAHAHA, see you say-wan ah!
Girl: HMPH!

+++

its an escape. getting away from it all, and for that one short moment of your life, you're somewhere else, learning something else, feeling something else. that's why i want to keep going for plays, to find myself, to be a voyeur on the raw emotions of life, taking a step back to look at life, mine inclusive.

it can be as cliche as any other storyline, but cliches are cliches for a reason. its things at its simplest, boiled down to just you and me, the things we do, the things we say. I love you gong gong, ma ma, mom, dad, bro, the whole family, and in the thick of it all, i forget who are those that actually listen, when no one hears me.

+++

Girl: My friends always laugh at my ambitions
Uncle: Don't worry girl, you must believe in yourself. I believe it you, and you must believe in you.

+++

its only 2007, i want to live till 75 and look back on my life, while living my second childhood.

(i've got a little crush on a 10 year old >.< haha)

Passing Trians

even after a day, i am still stuck in awe of last night's Gin and Tonic: Passing Trains it probably is the most visually stunning show i have ever seen. It was a complete mime, and left so much for your own intepretation and your imagination. that made it all the more amazing, as i bet every person in that room saw a different picture but got the exact same message.

She was right, even though i had so much to say about it, words fail to encapsulate the entirety of the peice. it wasn't something that was seen or heard, it was simply felt. no complicated wording or any wording for that matter. Just one man, creating his entire scene, and reminding everyone that there was essentially only one thing in that place, Him.

i was not expecting this at all. I did not go in with any idea what was going to happen (heh, i didn't even know it was a mime) but the concept just seemed so facinating, of the signalman and his loneliness. but what i saw (or rather didn't see) was the beauty of creating a setting with your imagination, he didn't need fancy props or stunning visual effects, he just needed to feel the space, and in turn let us feel with him.

The story is so happy, innocent, yet sad. i loved everything from the foreshadowing to the colour-play and especially the accompanying music. Its been a while since something hit me like this. We have seen quite a few plays since, some good some bad, and few that make us feel of IT again (don't really know what "IT" is but tat tvam asi)

feeling really.... warm. just appreciative of what i have, and the people i am surrounded by. Haha, looks like my thoughts really are all over the place. but happy, feeling just generally happy :)

Heat wave

GR. can't even give a long growl... just so hot and bothered. and very uncomfortable. for once my mind would like to study, but even doing that gets me very irritated. HUFF. trying to do my work here? and end up blogging, just need some venting to try get the heat out of my mind. my room isn't a very good place to study, too many things on the desk, and i never bother to clear it out. and actually of all the rooms, my room is the most stuffy, wrong direction to everywhere. that's why i end up doing most of my work at night, when the sun is not so glaring and the room is semi-less uncomfortable than the day. I realise how often i waste my afternoons away, like now it is almost 4, and just a while ago it felt like 2pm. very unproductive at home, and actually i don't know if it would be better anywhere else. the only place i have ever kind of studied in this house is in the living/dining room, and even then i get distracted. yes, i'm easily distracted, especially on the computer, so easily i fall into youtubing or random surfing, darn, my achilles heel, the computer. Prying prying prying, trying trying trying, dying dying dying. bleh.

Only when under pressure...

Sigh, only when under such tight constraints of battery life and time, to i decide to do the most utterly useless thing of blogging....

Haha, oh well... i'm now in transit in Taipei and waiting for a 10.50p.m. flight. so decided to put up a notice to everyone that i'm not in Singapore.

Will be spending the next 3 weeks in America (the US of A) 26th of May to 17th June. Quite sad really, it can't be just an all out holiday, cuz i come back to a week before the JCTs, which means i have brought all my work with me, and will be mugging during the free time i have.

Still, am going to enjoy this holiday, afterall, am meeting relatives and going camping (that i'm actually quite looking forward to, my dad too!) So don't think any silly work can bog me down.

Anyway, i'll keep this short. I will be missing all of you back home in S'pore! haha, but now come to think of it, i have to get a whole bunch of things for everyone back home. lets see... what's cheap, easy to get, and representative of New Mexico.... i know! I'll bring back home for everyone.... MEXICANS! :D hope you like them!

You just might find, you get what you need

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want (but you try!)
You can't always get what you want
But if you try, sometimes,
You just might find,
You get what you need!

The acoustice portion in the front is to die for! JD Fortune is an excellent front man for INXS.

Had my daily dose of Happy Stick, and also a fair slice of real life. But like they say, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.

And so starts as a whole new path unfolds in front of me. I realise i tend to take the road less travelled, be it by choice, or by circumstance...

Ohana

I've come back from council camp, so i guess that is something worth blogging about. I forgot that council is not just about what you can do for the school, or the things you can change or even the events you plan. Fundamentally, council is about the people.

Perhaps, with my relisation, i have a few more things to consider before i jump into anything, or even jump to conclusions. but those stuff i can/should/need to handle on my own, no need to say too much here.

Council camp was quite good. sure there was a lot of pain involved, with all the physical training and the time limits and such. and even today, on tuesday, i believe some parts of my body are still sleeping and aching. However, there were times where it really pulled out the team spirit of the whole group, some of which i do agree with, but some that i do not necessarily mesh with.

I learnt something from council camp. on the night of the campfire, many of the seniors came back. i recognised people all the way from the 25th to the 29th Councils, and i bet they recognised me too. Yet, i didn't seem to be able to talk and really connect with them. there were a few of course, like some of the 28th, after all, they were the ones that conduct my nomination period, and i am grateful for them being there. the one that surprised me quite a bit was the 29th, perhaps they were busy trying to catch up with each other, but i kind of felt like i did not know them anymore, and neither did they know me.

the thought has passed through my head that even though i may know a lot of people, how many of these relationships are deep, and how many more are transient. When i leave this school, is what i am going to leave behind purely material, or will people remember me for who i am, and for being their friend?

I know where i want to start. I want to really get to know my Babies, because sure it might have only been a game back last year, but they have grown on me in a way, and seeing htem always makes me cheery! Speaking of which, it was yanting's birthday on Sunday (last day of camp) and it was nice to be able to spend it with her (even if it was while we were all half dead) and give her a present.

TJ has become my home, and i would like to create the people i deem family. When i leave TJ, it will be this people i can always talk to again, even when not in school boundaries. That is the kind of meaningful relations i would like to make, and it needs to start with me.

I just keep learning and learning. there is just so muc more to know.

Ohana~ means family, and family means no body gets left behind :)

(WE) MADE GOOD BJ-BAKED RICE TODAY.

I like my room.

A Fresh Feeling

changed template of blog. I think its because i got a little bored of the black one. No doubt it was nice, but i like to change my blogskin once in a while. hopefully the next time i change it, it will be original, and something that i created. hope to pick up some CSS, then can do a good one.

I don't know how to use the blog properly. As in, i run out of things to say and do with this blog. It doesn't reveal much about me does it? i can't bear to be all "Oh this is what i did today! and that is what i will do tomorrow!" it just seems weird when it all comes out. then there are times where i come here and just post random overflowing spilled words, where i try to understand what is going on in that noggin up there.

But that is how i usually live eh? Confused. of course i try to make sense of things, but like everything else, when you try to make things better it usually goes awry doesn't it? haha, so its sometimes better to take things as is, and just enjoy whatever is going on in your life right now.

There are other ways and other people to pour out to. Many things do not need to be declared over the internet, they can simply be told to a friend. its much more personal that way, and with them, you can seek differing opinions, thrash things out a little.

If you are an old friend, and just happen to pass by this littlt blog o' mine, then try and give me a call. it would be nice to talk to you again! haha, but i don't do the same >.< hypocrite... sorta. I will try though! perhaps during the holidays when time frees up a little. I learnt from a friend how important and how much effort is needed to maintain a friendship. things and people are transient, but that should not mean you take it for granted. you never know how much you can know someone, unless you take the time and effort to get to know them.

I have learnt a lot. sometimes you learn a little from many people, or sometimes you learn a lot form just one. and from one i've learnt leaps and bounds, while still maintaining myself of course... i think. haha. well, everchanging as the wind.

I keep thinking, "Wow, there's so much in store for this year, so much more i think i can do, and so many things i would like to accomplish" and yet, its passing by like a bullet train, with the first term almost at its end.

Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead...

the answer? (side note, my current SONG, just love listening to it)

The Knight

The Knight slowly stabs himself with piano keys. The answer lies in the answer.

The Knight

The past two days i realise i have been writing alot. like just off the cuff tping and random blurting of thougts swimming in my mind. well, i guess that is what you get when you let yourself get lost in your own thoughts. you just need to channel it all out, no? so here i am, typing again, wondering if i have run out of words in my vocabulary bank to better leak out the things that are up there.

+++
The Knight.

riding out to the cave of Dark Days,
never once fearing, or is it never thinking?
still he fears no dragon, fears no bats or eveil witches with pointy hats.
into the cave he ventures,
unfaltering and then he stabs himself.
he is about to die, left there in his own pool of blood.
the Dragon laughing.

The Dragon.

Enter my little maze.
Roar, cough, splutter, puff, growl, rumble, thunder.
clouds in intervals, big puffs and small. there is no fire
swishing of the tail, are you happy?
why silly me, died already?
ha. ha. ha.

The Knight

a new round table, shouting and argueing ensues.
great battle plans drawn over days.
rows and disputes over temptations,
the seven sins of man.
make as much noise as you want.
its more peaceful when i cannot hear it laugh.

+++

fascinating, that just came out. ohe well, it probably does not make any sense anyway. I THINK i have finally gone -Kaput- nothing left in this system, but still, very interesting the things that do come out, when it comes out too.

Time will tell

Today, i start my blog with this quote.

If it is right, then nothing will stand in its way, if it is not, time will tell the problems

quite an odd little quote i pciked up. perhaps this year, i want to learn to be patient. to learn that things will go right if they are meant to be, and that there is never a rush for anything.

I think i really am feeling the age. after 2 years of JC life, i think i may have slowly burned myself out. but i would also think that the upcoming year is the one that can really make a difference, and more than anything, i want to push for something.

What do i foresee for the new year? i foresee myself doing bigger things, going out. DARING. i think its interesting to live with a year by year theme. my first year at TJ resonates CRAZY. i just let loose and make as many friends as possible, do everything i can, have as much fun as will allow. the second year became CONSOLIDATE, and i slowed down a little, focused a little more, and rekindled old passions, like drama, leading. i want my third year to be a little more mellow, a little more dedicated. i want to learn to FOCUS.

I'm sure i am on my way. the only question is, "on my way" to what? maybe time will tell. "oh you're 16 you're still young, got your whole life to decide" well, not in singapore. Shape up or ship out, as they say, and i cannot remain clueless forever.

I won't say that i have drifted these past 2 years, in fact quite the contrary, if anything i have tried to push for everything i can. Maybe i am trying to find my limit, then from there i can learn to ration my energy.

My new year resolution is to organise. organise myself to be most effective. Rationing energy to be able to be up to any task in a realistic way. organising my schedule to not clash things. and organise my priorities, to know what i want and how to get there. Yet, i want to dream big, and shoot for the stars. perhaps it is the ego driven side of me, but i do want to be more than i am now. to not let myself fall into stereotypes, or leave things to chance.

i've been lucky enough not to weild the double edged sword. but with that, i have compromised having a stronger weapon. there is no need to fear the double edged sword, if you weild it well. both hands on the hilt, and in absolute control. that's the position i want to be in.

What if this five minutes were your last? what would you do?
Me: i'd sit, smile and realise that i haven't wasted a single second of my life. 5 mins to think of family, friends, and furry animal creatures :)

Time, it tells, but will you listen?

A little update

I haven't been updating, eh? well, that's how it is during the holidays. partly also cuz i don't feel inclined to post anything either. But since i don't want to just let this blog die, decided to just mention some things, just to update. :)

The Italy trip was good, Venice is a beautiful place, and if i ever go back to Italy, Venice is a Must! More about my trip, just ask me, i'm sure (on most days) i will be more than happy to tell you all about it!

Something more recent, Jack and the Beansprout. It was fun, just to let loose a little, insert some laughter where previously missing. And a few new resolutions for the new year. I think one of the best songs on the CD would be Sebastian Tan and Celine Rosa Tan's "Like that called love" lyrics... i'll just post them here ( afterall! i spent time listening and typing it out!)

Like that called Love – Sebastian Tan & Celine Rosa Tan

There’s a funny feeling deep inside my gut,
Like that called love.
There’s something wrong and I don’t know what,
Like that called love.
My heart goes haywire,
My brain’s upside-down
I want to be a hero,
but I feel like a clown.
I get a heart attack, every time she frowns
Like that called love... ah?

The things I’m feeling make me want to choke
Can this be love?
I always thought romance was just a joke.
Am I in love?
When I’m down there, I realize I miss her
When I’m up here I just want to kiss- ee,
No way, no way, I can’t kiss her
Like that called love… meh?

Her love is as loud as a car alarm
Her touch is as soft as a lorry.
If I give in to her jumbo charm,
I know my ribs will be sorry.
But everytime she smiles
My heart melts
Wah kao, wah lao, wah piang
Like that called love~

He’s an ordinary sized boy
In an ordinary size frame
With average looks
And a pretty average name
But here’s what I found, when I took him apart,
He’s got a Giant size- Heart

His smile’s a little bit crooked,
And his hair is shiny with gel.
He hasn’t the tiniest clue about women, I can tell
But as I suspected right from the start
He’s got a giant size heart

I know his strength is half of mine,
I’ll have to learn to be gentle
But there’s no funnier valentine
He makes me sentimental
And every time he smiles, my heart soars
I’m full of joy,
Acting coy,
For my boy.
I’m in love~

And though our lives may be miles apart
With him so far below me (but deep inside I feel)
Until we stand here heart to heart (just how right this is)
I got to let him know me (I’ve got to let her know)
And every time I’m with him (for once in my life I know what)
I’ll show him ( I want)
Till he can see (Wah kao)
That him and me (Wah lao)
Are meant to be (Wah piang)
We’re in (Like that called)
Love
We’re in love

The rest of the hols is chocked full with Orientation, DSA camp, and working for a deficit. So prolly next post will be either after Xmas or even new year's? till then thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Very much appreciated :)

P.S. thanks for the child of a Wall (hint Pig=piglet)

A little update

I haven't been updating, eh? well, that's how it is during the holidays. partly also cuz i don't feel inclined to post anything either. But since i don't want to just let this blog die, decided to just mention some things, just to update. :)

The Italy trip was good, Venice is a beautiful place, and if i ever go back to Italy, Venice is a Must! More about my trip, just ask me, i'm sure (on most days) i will be more than happy to tell you all about it!

Something more recent, Jack and the Beansprout. It was fun, just to let loose a little, insert some laughter where previously missing. And a few new resolutions for the new year. I think one of the best songs on the CD would be Sebastian Tan and Celine Rosa Tan's "Like that called love" lyrics... i'll just post them here ( afterall! i spent time listening and typing it out!)

Like that called Love – Sebastian Tan & Celine Rosa Tan

There’s a funny feeling deep inside my gut,
Like that called love.
There’s something wrong and I don’t know what,
Like that called love.
My heart goes haywire,
My brain’s upside-down
I want to be a hero,
but I feel like a clown.
I get a heart attack, every time she frowns
Like that called love... ah?

The things I’m feeling make me want to choke
Can this be love?
I always thought romance was just a joke.
Am I in love?
When I’m down there, I realize I miss her
When I’m up here I just want to kiss- ee,
No way, no way, I can’t kiss her
Like that called love… meh?

Her love is as loud as a car alarm
Her touch is as soft as a lorry.
If I give in to her jumbo charm,
I know my ribs will be sorry.
But everytime she smiles
My heart melts
Wah kao, wah lao, wah piang
Like that called love~

He’s an ordinary sized boy
In an ordinary size frame
With average looks
And a pretty average name
But here’s what I found, when I took him apart,
He’s got a Giant size- Heart

His smile’s a little bit crooked,
And his hair is shiny with gel.
He hasn’t the tiniest clue about women, I can tell
But as I suspected right from the start
He’s got a giant size heart

I know his strength is half of mine,
I’ll have to learn to be gentle
But there’s no funnier valentine
He makes me sentimental
And every time he smiles, my heart soars
I’m full of joy,
Acting coy,
For my boy.
I’m in love~

And though our lives may be miles apart
With him so far below me (but deep inside I feel)
Until we stand here heart to heart (just how right this is)
I got to let him know me (I’ve got to let her know)
And every time I’m with him (for once in my life I know what)
I’ll show him ( I want)
Till he can see (Wah kao)
That him and me (Wah lao)
Are meant to be (Wah piang)
We’re in (Like that called)
Love
We’re in love

The rest of the hols is chocked full with Orientation, DSA camp, and working for a deficit. So prolly next post will be either after Xmas or even new year's? till then thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Very much appreciated :)

P.S. thanks for the child of a Wall (hint Pig=piglet)

What builds a Family

A mother, a father, child, extended family, etc. all components of a family, and all crucial. I appreciate my parents, and i love them a lot, and its easy to forget what they put up with and what they give us every day of the week, every week of the year, every year in our lives. There's so much that can be said about them. but that's not for this blog post, anyway.

I think i have either written or said somewhere, that my greatest hero/role model is my dad, and it is not hard to imagine why. he is a family man. not some ambitious man chasing after an illustrious career, but just a simple family man, wanting to provide whatever he can for his family. I aspire to be like him. if i were just half of what he is, i think that would be more than sufficient to right a sloppy directionless person like me.

But i think it took me some time to realise what is my dad's direction. i remember once speaking to my uncle and uncle's brother-in-law about math, and they did pursue math quite far. My Dad is my "go-to-guy" for most of my math problems, but i never really wondered why he didnt pursue math. as the uncles put it, "do math as far as you can", but when i enquired about my dad, my mom simply said that that was not what he wanted to do.

So what did my dad want? he wanted a family. I find it extremely ironic how he was the least doted in his family, yet the most filial, and possibly best father in the lot. He works hard for the money. no doubt he loves his job, and enjoys working, but he is doing it for teh family. it is his greatest inspiration. and time after time, my mom would remind me of that, which is everything i would want to be like.

family is the most important thing. that is constantly what i say, but i do worry about if i practice what i preach. i think i don't treat my brother the best that i can, and sometimes even get cheap thrills from annoying him. my cousins can be quite a pain sometimes, okay, maybe more than just "some" times. But i would say that i hold them close to me. the ones i do so even more is the generations before me. My grandparents are especially the ones i am worried about. they are old, but i'm not old enough to let them go yet. my parents and relatives (at least on mom's side) i talk to very often, and they give so much to me. these are the people that matter in my life, but how am i showing it?

Speaking of relatives, the whole reason im thinking about this is because today my youngest cousin (at least for a few more weeks) fell and got a very deep gash in her head today. I'm not all depressed or traumatised, i know that little children hurt themselves accidentaly, and i know that she is going to be all right, so there is no need for unnecessary worry. however, i was thinking about what goes on when something like this happens. my grandparents would be there to talk to the kids at home, reminding that everything will be alright, and then the parents would do all the neccesary to make sure that my cousin is in no further harm, and it all works well, no chaos, no craziness, just lots of care poured in, and love.

I know that my parents would drop everything if they heard i am in serious danger, and if im in harm, they would know exactly what to do. STAY CALM, and handle the situation. that's is because they live for us. Parents are good parents when there is nothing more important than the children.

When i think about my aspirations and dreams, and what i want to take as my occupation, i don't think about the family i want to have in the future. My dad has a desk job, it pays well, it gives him time off to spend with me and mat, and he does not have to go flying all over the world tending to this and that, missing any events in our childhood years. Even mom put down her regional job to spend more time with me and mat, and she knew that what mattered was not out there, it was here, with the people she loved. at that point i don't know what to think. i want a family as bad as anyone, but what does that cost? maybe i could be like The Flying Dutchman (FD, Class 95) have children and still have a "fun" job, i wonder just what it takes.

"One day i would just drop everything, and spend my time with the kids" - someone said this. easier said than done, but not impossible.

I'm young, still got a whole life of me ahead before i start a family of my own, i'm sure there would be dreams to chase and things to try before i start a family, but that is something i want to always keep with me.

maybe this quote puts it into simpler terms
"Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted." ~Paul Pearshall

but to end it off with a lighter note,
"Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts."