Attention and Attraction

Some have said that i am not aware of my environment, or that i am ignorant of my "space" and it can lead to be quiteselfish, when i ignore those around me and their problems. yes i can be more carefree when the weight of the world is not bogged down on my shoulders, but then i realise that i wont have many around me that know me well, or any that i will know well either.

Truthfully, i dont think that i am very ignorant of my surrounding, but i think like most normal people, i can shut things out and ignore specific things or incidents. i sometimes even beleive that i am too sensitive even i f dont openly show it. thrown me and insult that has substance, and no matter how minorit may be, it would definitely affect me. However, after a while i learnt to seive through comments and leave out the emotionally charged bull, that actually dont make any sense at all, but what is left i can pick up on, if it is really a true things that i know i need to change, i would bear that in mind. Still, there is the shred of truth that i can unconciously ignore certain things that stare me in the face, and that can lead to frustration in certain people.

Anyway, i also have been noticing my surrounding more closely this year, and this could be some delusion of mine (or rumours that i have heard), but i may be getting more attenttion in respect with last year. It does seem a little odd, as i did feel that this year i have not been as overly friendly or hyper as last year, nor have i had teh time to go and try to know everyone in the school. perhaps its something to do with the TA year 1s. I still remember TA Orientation 06, and getting to know all the year 1s. at that time there wasnt many i knew, and i think it was only those that stood out more that i interacted with. I think i remembered 1B the most, as it was the break where they were still in the Lt, and i happened to have a breather from the rushing preperations for O nite. The accents i pulled off, and flirting with TA nicholas, as well as the gay pic with lester, one of the people that i noticed for O was clare, i mean how hard is it to notice her? haha. then of course there were others from the other classes, ximin, xiu qing, siddarth, sean, sophia, rachna etc. they just stood out, noticing them definitely was not hard.

School term started and everyone, including myself, got really caught up in work. the long days and the stressful workload, not much time for anything else. anc i kinda guess that i didnt realise how much i was getting to know the TA 1s. So i think i know a lot of people, yet it doesnt occur to me that many people know me. i still remember xiu qing metioning to me during her audition for drama.

Xiu qing: did you know that a lot of TA girls [know]* you?
J Heng: rite... i dont need to know this...
Shouvik: OMG!!! so cute! jonathan (in shouviks weird cutesy accent)
Xiu Qing: you know during that TASC talk? why do you think there was so much chatter, even giggles when you and kumarans name was said?
J Heng: oh, i thought i did something embarassing...
Xiu Qing: No. (goes on with her evil grin)

Flattered, quite a bit, embarassed, a whole lot. yet after a few days i guess i sort of dismissed it. it was not like i saw the TA juniors that often, so it did not really affect me or make me notice things that much either.

Image-conscious is what i have become more of over the year(s) in TA. friends have said that i dont look that bad, and all i gotta do is lose some weight, and it will help my image, confidence, and presentation in front of people. that is why i am spurred to go gym and find as many opportunities as possible play basketball and get myself involved in actvities that require me to move my body. Cheerleading, Road Run and other things, i feel the change in my body, and i do see a slight change in physical form. and i enjoy it too! maybe not the running portion, but i feel accomplished when i exert myself. maybe that is what isaac means. if you dont feel the push you dont feel the accomplishment. the strain and the fatigue felt are just testimony to your accomplishment.

I dont know about the looking better part, as that is not for me but rather for others to judge, but in the feeling better department, i definitely feel more confident and more gung ho to try things. a matter of empowerment. when i can play a good game of bball or can lift a flyer with ease, or getting 35 mins for a 5 km run, the accomplishment felt just pushes me to go on.

sigh.. i dont think i like holidays much now. holidays have to be packed with activities, if not i would feel like a pig/sloth/slug at home stoning in front of the TV and pigging out on junk food. after the march holidays i do feel fatter, which i am determined to work off when im back in school!

All in all, i really feel like more eyes are on me. like somehow people are watcing me. it is a little creepy at times, and can be exasperating when i dont know what they are talking about me. Insecure maybe, but then again i know that its not gonna affect me much if i know or not, its just interesting to know. I guess i have always been a sort of attention craver, but it can be weird when you get attention that you did not purposely attract. Oh well... i will just live with whatever it is. so long as my life is not severly affected by rumours, i think things will be fiiinneee!

i realised i havent hade real homemade lemonade before... maybe i can try to make some?

*ok so it wasnt actually /"know"/ but i think you can fill in the blanks >.<