Now What?

Exams officially ended for me today... maybe because it was my miserable attitude towards history, or maybe because i'm just tuckered out from the exam period, but i just don't feel all "woohoo"-ish today. In fact, i felt kinda empty, like "now what?". I don't really have a very full schedule planned out ahead, even though i know i still have certain projects to do, SC and school alike. there's the italy trip, then Ex-ros chalet, maybe certain other things, but maybe because it is still some time away. Meanwhile... boredom sets in.

You know how sometimes there is this hype over what i am going to do after the exams. Well funnily enough, no one asked me what i was going to do. or if they did i gave them some half-baked answer. why? because i have no clue whatsoever what i am going to do. I even bet it is going to be like one of those holidays where i am going to spend a whole day wasting my life on youtube or watching TV till my brain rots.

I do want to find something to occupy myself with. But i really only go deep into something when i have a passion for it. maybe that is what really keeps me going. BlackLights was one that i put in a lot of hard work and effort into, mainly because i wanted it to be so much. LA project night was another. Therefore, i am currently looking for my "holiday project" and may have one up on my hands soon, so i will keep you updated in my ongoings for this "holiday project".

still between now end then, i don't really want to spend days wasting life away. Today was the first day of "holiday" in the after-exam sense, but apart from playing floorball before going home, i pretty much went home and watched TV until now.

I realise the importance of having some sort of direction in your life. We all have to work towards something right? even so, i wish i knew what that something was. Just need something to center myself around. As i type this i think of 2 people, the first has dreams of taking the hols to do some written work, hone style, the other is nick, who is organising the event at Attica for the Grad Night after party. He is supposedly a few weeks to his A levels, yet he needs to be do that event, because that is simply him. Is event organising my cup off tea? well only time will tell i guess.

I wonder if this feeling is that emptiness everyone keeps going on about. like there is some missing piece that was either never there, or lost. still im not gonna be all moody in trying to find it, life continues, eh?

tomorrow marks the day for post exam activities. a few talks in the morning and following which is the post exam activity, where i have joined some acting class of some sort. most interesting would be the facilitator of this activity, Daisy Irani. Haha, if given the opportunity i would like to pick her brain on the quality of television in singapore. Interesting...

speaking of which, i have this sudden interest in Chua Enlai. surprisingly, after watching heartland getaways, i went online to do some research on him. Its almost like he is what i want to be. Stage actor, TV celebrity, and he does a number of hosting jobs and emceeing. its his voice and his presence. there is just some quality that makes him very compelling to watch. Not over the top like certain characters, but with just enough boyishness in him to find energetic and lively.

This friday i (and wendy) will be emceeing for the performances under LT1 for the TJC open house. I keep telling myself that i want to emcee and i want to have confidence on stage. but unless it is some immensely rehearsed script, i seem to always get the jitters up on stage. I admire the stage presence, the confidence and the wit that some people have on stage. i can only but hope to reach that level. Its a common misconception that i am a good emcee/stage personality. the moment i go up on stage and you ask me to stick to the content and rally the crowd, i would stand there asking for a change of pants... oops, i just wet them... there's just the pressure that i have yet to be able to shake off. I can be perfectly full of myself in front of you, but the moment i am pressurised, or if there is an expectation of me, i really think i crumble under pressure.

maybe this acting class will help. ask how other people do it. some people have the natural talent, others require some time to hone it. But even so, i will take every opportunity i get to host. Hmmm this might be some direction afterall...

Okay so my schedule is not as empty as i had expected. quite a number of things for me to do actually. My focus just has to be kept. Instead of focusing on the things i should be doing, it keeps veering off to the forbidden thoughts of things i cannot control.

Que serah serah.
momma always sang that song for me,
and its become part of my vocabulary