things have changed?

sometimes i wonder what do i want in my life right now. not in the sense of material things like i want an ipod or a mac, but rather, what do i want and need to fulfil myself at this point in my life? sounds a bit selfish as i have more than anyone could ask for. i m=do not have the best grades, but i have a great supportive and encouraging family, yet i dont show them the care and concern they require. i have a great group of friends, but i am not sure if i am giving them enough of my time and support as a friend. i have a reasonably hard working council, but then again, am i as a leader pushing them to their fullest potential? of couse what would a teenager like me be without raging hormones wanting a sense of comfort and solace in another that wears nice skirts? :)

valentines day came and went, but it was definitely eventful. my previous post did not exactly denote a sense of happiness with my class, but i garuntee that things are slowly changing. and with my old class i am finding more time to spend with them and not try to lament and relive last year, but create new and meaningful memories for this year too. valentines day and practically the entire friendship week, i spent quite a bit of money, but also enjoyed the fruits of others joy that week. i spent on flowers for many of the IPs and JCs, and me and varun (aka BIG and small) spent on kinder bueno to give the oneee/'ohfive batch, while i added on a card i made for each of them which i worked into the night preparing. i was nicely surprised by a certain star-yi who left me with a message that /" its a good year for romance for the horse, we might find someone to spend our next valentines day with."/

i guess i have more time now and perhaps less stress. the elective weeks are here, and even though my elective is quite tiresome and long, i think i am gonna have quite a lot of fun. we are supposed to create and learn about organic chemistry, apart from aspirin, i will be learning how to make soap, and even smells/fragrances for it. i being a very hands on person am sure i will enjoy it. another thing to look forward to this week is movie mania, i wont say that i am all for the planning, but the response is very good, and i think lester did a great job for publicity, and i still cannot the fact out of my head on how great and attntive the audience reactio was to the entire advert. this isnt any bootlicking, but i think most of the turnout is credited to him then anyone else.

well now i just dont want to screw things up. movie mania being one of them, but also with things between my friends, and /"friend"/. i have a tendency to worry too much about certain things. almost, no, exactly like a girl. reading too much into things, and sometimes stressing on unimportant seemingly trivial things. maybe i am starting to pick up on my father/'s perfectionist attitude. my mom and his old friends say that my father was not any easy man to work with for the fact that he was quite touchy on certain things, and could be quite the perfectionist. there is nothing wrong with wanting all things of something to go off well, but perfectionists tend to take it a tad too far. well im working on it, but there are certain things that as long as they are not settled, would irk me, or bother me, and i would feel quite uncomfortable with. to me i do see the big picture, but my picture can be quite detailed, and i would then want to make this picture as complete as possible, even though sometimes at the cost of hurting others. so, yeah, that would make me quite the hypocrite, on how i do tell people to relax and take a step back, when i myself can be just as irritating as them.

as for screwing up the other thing ( gosh that sounds so wrong!), i think i am starting to already. one thing that i have a problem with relationships that i am either too fast or too slow. they say that there is a time and place for everything, well, i happen to always pick both the wrong time and place. some of this is credited to a certain sense of insecurity, i dont exactly have abs of steel, or a flawless complexion complementing the charming face that i would so love to have. so i do make certain wrong moves, and i do happen to ignore things that stare me blatently in the face, but then again, as long as i keep trying i would keep learning right? if not, i can beleive in a certain sense of destiny, and that when i find that person, it will all fit in, and i will know that its right.

its great being eclectic. music that can suit my every mood, instead of just one singer/genre/artist that makes me unbalanced in emotion. i recently got a jazz CD that i think is really good. in fact as i post this i play that CD on my player, and i just am put in the mood to talk about my life. i actually told myself to post something a few times this month, but it just never worked out. i would reant for a while, then somehow not finish my post, and then the portion would be forgotten, and i would feel better, even if no one knows it.

i am hyper in a certain sense, and i have found ways of letting off steam, and outlets of problems other than this blog now, and guess thats why im not updating that often anymore. the blog is not meant for many people to look into my life anywae, i just blog when i feel like it. anywae, outlets i have found are things like basketball, gym, and basically anything where i can push my self slightly more than usual. and another thing is laughter. i really want to thank Hui Min for singing that ultimately crappy and silly song today. i couldnt help but fall on the floor and really roll in laughter, i think i lay there for a good 2-3 mins laughing and laughing, and no the song was not that funny, nor was her singing that bad (okay so maybe it was), but i just had all that bent up energy and stored stress, that i just pushed it all out at one go, and it left me with a light headed feeling, but a good feeling that things were looking up and changing for the better.

i have much to be grateful for. the 3 DODOs are back and it was not so much of us splitting, but we needed a break to settle into our new classes and surrounding. it doesnt feel that different anymore, like on saturday me and syak went to support jane and other dancers and DanceWorks /'06, following which i had a good time bowling, arcade-ing and watching a movie with janes family (even though jane wasnt there). then today, the dodos and ziye went to watch /"i not stupid too"/ where 2 of the 3 girls cried. jane watched it before so this time she knew what was gonna happen and was less moved, but on my right was the ever so emotional syak, and at the point where the chracter said /" i tried to save $500, to buy 1 hour of your time"/ syak was like a water fall, sniffling and fighting to hold the tears back. Haha, syak, theres not hing wrong with showing emotion, if fact i think its perfectly normal! haha, lets just keep it as its interesting watching you cry (for the rest of the movie too -_-'').

Yup, this year is changing. not better or worse, but just changing. i think somewhere in my BIG 5 assesment says i react well to change, and even though it took some time, i guess i am adapting fairly well. so all i need to do is let loose a little more, and like always things would turn out okay :) well, till the next update (when i feel like it!) and cheerleading is coming up! =P