matters of the heart

It has always been obvious to me that at this age, and this point in my life, hormones will be raging, and inevitably, matters of the heart will be complicated. yet, it is not until you experience it, that you reallise that it truly is a bigger thing to handle that what is is perceived to be. there is no wonder why we tend to see such drastic behavior in people and within ourselves.

So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.

So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.

this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.

Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.

still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.

even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.

speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.

looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.

Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.

i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.

2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.

1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.

no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.

hit the pause button, i want to resume later.