In a friend

looking back at the friendship i have established this year, i think about my history of friendships, and then i sometimes think of my loneliness, when i piece them all together, i seem to get a realisation that even though i have had many good friendships in my life, it also have had the same amont of short term friendships too.

In a way, i am constantly changing, and whether i change at a fast rate or not, is not something by which i can judge. So i would assume that i have different needs at different points in my life, and hence i do not have long lasting friendships. i am not so sure whether it is reflecting on my love life, but it is evident to me that my circle of friends is ever changing, and seems to fade quite quickly too.

take for example my primary school days. i though i established some really good friends with people like Ka-X and KL. yet now, not do i barely see them, i do not chat, nor talk to them anymore either. I remember the more /"innocent"/ days, where i would be able to do, say and spout anything i want, and usually the implications are not that great. then as i grow older, the implications get graver, and overall my actions, or lack of it, has caused severe damage to both my social and emotional self.

perhaps it is a bit like Sal. she claims to be more self conscious. in a way, it seems true for myself as well. not in the physical way, as i have dealt with the fact that i am large, and i can only but work to resolve it, rather, i have been made more aware of my flaws, and i feel easily affected and influenced by the critiques of others. In a way i am quite oversensitive in certain areas, especially when isults are in a more convincing form, or somethimes if i respect the person who says it, i would be easily affected too.

i would have thought, that unlike most of my other friends, they do not have the fortune of having inter GEP events to bond more with their primary school friends, yet there are people that have friendships that have lasted a significantly long time. I guess that i do envy kenneth, as he told me of his best friend that he has known since primary 4. in a way, he has other ties with his friend other than school, his father happens to know his friend/'s father, and they know each other through a number of other ways, but the bottomline is that he has a friend which he can call abest friend, and it means more than just the petty things of friend you more than him, so you are my best friend.

of course i am not saying i am unhappy with my current friends. i know a large number of people in TJ, and i have better friendships, and i have many more acquaintences, but i feel content with status quo.

I just cannot help but wonder to myself, about the reasons my friendship has worked, or not, in the past and present. I find that it has a large extent to do with me being clingy towards people. Isaac has said, why do people have the inate desire to belong to a group? personally, i would initially disagree with him and say that i am content being alone sometimes, yet i know that his words are true, and that i do want to belong to something bigger than personal.

I tend to pull back the image of my childhood. there was once where i went on holiday to malaysia with my cousin, and her cousin. her cousin is not my cousin, as her cousin was from the other side of her family. when i first met her cousin, or guan yi, i was in such admiration of him, and i felt that i wanted to be his best friend. of course it would seem psychotic, but that was the way i thought at that age, and it was a simple wanting to be as close to him as possible. however, by the end of that holidays, he must have been really bothered by me, because i beleive i was too clingy, and would do anything to make myself likeable. from that point, it has been a recurring thought when i have friends, and it has developed me to be more passive.

i then progressed on to VS, which was more detrimental to my friendship development than ever. i was pretty much of a social outcast in VS, but the social outcasts consist of the physically different, the blacks, the munjans, the smart, the stupid, the nerds, the posers, and close to everyone, leaving nothing for the normal people. i thought i found friendship in Sean and Leon, but now they are doing their own thing, and have their own social castle to build.

but i do have to admire sean. he has been a interesting person to be friends with. recently when i invited him to buy tickets for my drama performance, he had matured more in his thinking, and he seemed to have a cler path and conscience in his attitude to life. it was inspiring to see his life change, and that he was coming into his own as well.

after all the loops i have made, somehow it all boils down to isaac. after so long, it seems like he is the reference point, and most of my derivations seem to stem from knowing him. yes i do admire him at times, and i do wish i knew him more as a person, but i still would trust my life with him more than anyone, currently. it pisses me off quite a bit when he has his mood swings and his silly ramblings. it is just hard to deal with someone that treats you so strangely, especially when you think he is a friend worth having.

I just want to know someone for who he or she really is. i do not care how weird their life is, but i just want to be in touch with the person underneath the facade. when isaac tells me things i have great repect for him, when syak told me about her life, i was honored, and i got to know a different dimension of her. i think that in a way, i wear my heart on my sleeve. i am gullible in a sense that i would tell anyone anything, provided they know me to a certain extent. i just want a friend which i can say that i know what he/she is really like, i know why they are like that and do certain things, that is what i want in a friend.