Wanted: Dead or Alive

I figured it out. took some talking and some thinking, but i realised that after all the 'growing up' i was supposed to do, i still end up as this needy little puppy, craving for the love and attention from others. sigh... good job Jon >.<

its so terribly ironic at the same time. i realise that there ARE people who want me around and want me to be with them, i.e. Mat (to play Magic), the Family (to spend more time at home), some of the friends that contact me more often. but ironically, i don't have the same 'passion' to do things for them... i'm quite the terrible friend.

Its a magical feeling, to know that you 'want' someone as much as they 'want' you. to know that they aren't just 'happy' with your presence, but they really wish you WERE there, or are really grateful that you ARE there. i sometimes get the feeling that i invest emotionally in others, but my investment does not reap me the ideal returns, but in hope of a higher returns rate, i invest more, hoping to bail out the relationship, before it sinks.

i can't help but feel that no one's interested in my life. no one asks, "hey! how have you been?" spontaneously, or looks for opportunities to hang out. yeah, i guess proximity makes a difference, but doesn't the relationship count for something? there's no random message to perk me up, or the unexpected surprise. its just me, waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting somemore.

okay, i gotta admit, its a girl thing too. yes yes, guys are awesome, but i guess when things are going well, you kinda under-appreciate it. but nonetheless, i still maintain my efforts in keeping contact! the guys keep it all together for me, or i MIGHT spiral into depression (yah right, like i ever could, haha)

Have you ever been by yourself? shouting into the Grand Canyon, and the only companion is the echo of your own voice. "How are you?" "Fine thanks for asking!" "..." *mumbles: what a boring conversationalist.

i'm not wanted :'(

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i won't be so depressing in my next post. i promise!