Some Me Time

Hello Ya'll, hmmm maybe i should have posted this earlier then it would be more obvious how early i am home today. heh. Anyway, got early fall out today, and was actually planning to go out and meet people, but seems like no one's free... so its okay i guess, some 'Me-time' to get reacquainted with myself :)

I had an early fall out today because this morning i decided to attend the wake of the army fellow that passed on recently. he was from my unit, but he was posted overseas, so didn't get a chance to know him, so when the news came, it kinda felt like, 'oh its just another guy' but i think my perspective really changed after the proceedings at this morning wake/funeral/cremation. The first thing that struck me was during the eulogy, when i heard all the stories told and all the good words put in. at first i felt that maybe its just what should be said, and it would be the same old cliches that we hear so often. But actually hearing how the commanders said their peice, i thought different, and started to appreciate more than just a soldier, but as an individual.

The other part was during the cremation. i stood outside as there was insufficient space in the viewing gallery, and i saw the tears flowing from the eyes of the many commanders that i was so familiar seeing around camp. sometimes when serving NS, with the ranks and the regimentation, i forget that we are group comprising of people, of individuals, and of friends. when i saw 1SG Daniel crying, i was seriously stunned. he usually has this cool and lazy look to his face, that it is hard to imagine him bawling his eyes for his lost friend.

And as i stood around looking at the people around me, i realised that so many of us who didn't know who he was, couldn't really bring ourselves to feel for the guy. sure, we paid our respects, but there's a certain awkwardness and a certain distance, when you don't know the deceased personally. such were the distinct difference it people i saw today. unfortunate but true.

Then i thought back to Ah Gong's funeral (Gking Gking's Dad) and realised that the situation was not that different. sure, in that case there weren't 50+ NSFs paying their respects, but its a similar situation as there are bound to be those who are not as close and familiar to the deceased, but what was important was the paying of respects, and the effort made to show the family that there was care and support from those who mattered.

I couldn't help but wonder what my own funeral will be like. I almost don't want to talk about this since its so cliche, and such an obvious thing to do at a funeral procession, but i guess its cliche because its natural. I wondered what mine would be like, what would be said? who would be there?

Let's see, this is the 2nd Funeral i've attended in the last 1+ month? and i'm performing in a play that is deals a little with death and existentialism, but no no, i'm not emo, just thinking. I thought about what happens in death. well, i would cease to exist physically, but what else? and i know this is only going to exacerbate my bad habit of constantly craving attention, but i hope to leave a legacy behind. something that people can look to and derive inspiration, to be a memory not a passive one, but memories that teach lessons, that inspire, and memories that are not easily forgotten. then at my funeral, the eulogies will be of joy, and sadness, inspirational and memorable.

i guess that's why i didn't want to stay home today. There's no one at home at the moment. maybe i'll spend this evening downstairs. (or maybe i'll spend it reading Shaman King! who knows, haha) I want to play an active role in getting myself off my lazy bum and be part of the memories of others. to organise events we can laugh about as we meet many years down the road. making connections that do not easily sever. And i want to be important to people.

yay, so i had some me time to think today. These times are good, but if i can i want to balance with more family time, and friend time if you please :)