Fragility

A brave front is a cover up, or even a facade to hide the more fragile emotions of the heart. It helps to shirk any direct or indirect attack on the things that we deem more "touchy" and sensitive.

Jokers are usually people that put up a really strong front, bullies, loud people and most outstanding characters that make a lot of noise and are overall, involving in everyone elses business but themselves. It is just a matter of directing our own thoughts to anyone else but ourselves.

Im not sure if i put a front, but i know that i definitely put up a front, to quite a large extent, in class. At home, i have the comfort of my parents, and i know that they, i can always confide in. I guess i am really lucky. i dont realise what a good relationship i have with my parents. i see people like yee chuin, she seems to have a very good relationship with her mom. Then i stop and think about some of my other friends. i hope you dont mind syakirah, but you reminded me on how lucky i am to have my parents and the bond that my parents and i share. At least syak has circumstances, and she has the desire and want, to get closer to her mom. i know of some that dont tell their parents anything. He is not only losing the bond between him and his parents, but he risks making the wrong choices, and the parents not being there to understand as they dont know what is going on in his life. So yeah, i am really lucky, and i am glad my home is a sanctuary where i do not have to put up the facade that i do in school.

In school, it is a slightly different ball game. the thing is that in school you are dealing with peers and thiers and my own immaturity. my mom likes to complain/joke that when you confide in your friends in everything, it could be a case of "the blind leading the blind". It is true, how much have we experienced in this short span of 15 years? compare their experience to yours, close to 2.5 time your lifetime. So in school and in class, everyone puts up a front, be it thicker or thinner.

So, what about the front? well, i am not sure about my front. sometimes, i just want to be that big carefree fun guy, that is over enthu and is slightly psychotic. Yet, there are many times i want to be mature about things and am not able to get the repsect and understanding of others. My front is inconsistent and varies so much that sometimes i lose who i am, and become one of those zombies that rattles on mindlessly without an end.

i actually entitled this post "fragility", i wanted to take about the inner and the outer me and how it differs, too bad that i harped so much on the outer.

with regards to the inside. i guess there really isnt much to be said. i am still at the age where i am still finding myself. easily influenced and quite gullible sometimes. and i guess that it is now where we try to make as many friends and as diversely connected as possible. Yes, i am finding myself. but with that, we are then letting ourselves be very open, and risk the possibility of getting seriously hurt. betrayal is one of the sad killers of trust. Cynicism is increasing amongst people my age and it sometimes gets quite unnerving. What can i say, isnt that what the front is for? it is mostly comprising of cynicism and other things add on to make our demeanor overall unstable, and eventually unsure of ourselves. what i am saying is that, with everyone taking everything so negatively, where is the fun of life, and the joy of optimism.

well, i am very easily affected even tho it is not shown on my face. i get hurt by the stupidest things and even insults when i know i shouldnt be taking to heart. it is not things like "you're fat" or "you're dumb". but things that hurt are those that make sense, and try to lower self confidence.

So the outer, well, most of it just a combination of the outgoing-ness of my inner self. my inner self is mostly a mystery. the whole thing is me. me.