Distance

we have reached the new school term once again. this is a tet for my blog, either i will forget and neglect it, or i will be to caught up with work to update. but while it is still reasonably relaed, i will update for the few people that actually read this blog. Thank you.

In the new school term, i go back to the same situation i was before the holidays. i tried to tell myself, "things are gonna change", but will it? i hope so. The workload is not that high yet, but it soon will be. looking at the plans layed out for this term, academic-wise, it is going to be one hectic term. This however, is not my concern. i will struggle with my work, and i will try to score for tests, but that i can handle. It is the social part, that is tough.

Ever since the previous term, i have let myself distance from people. the unwillingness to deal with some people, leads to the shirking of others' input. i admit that i am trying to exclude people from my life, but at the same time, i am unwittingly excluding myself from a lot of things. I have found solace and stability in certain parts of school though. it is not going to be exactly the same as last term. from my previous post, it is quite obvious that i am feeling better about TASC and my role within it. i feel part of them now, and i just need to deal with individuals, not shy away and exclude myself from the rest of the group.

The problem with enemies is that it becomes hard to have friends of the enemy, be friends with you. to a certain extent, it is a mental barrier where there seems to be a classification that they are 'his/her friends' and that they wouldnt want to associate you with them in fear of others finding out. also there is the constant downplaying of you by the enemy. if thye can convince their friends that you are bad/evil/horrible, then you are not even given the opportunity to prove them wrong.

I am learning much from Vidhi. she is one of those people that has friends but does not have a clique. she does not need to belong as she is her own person and is able to live with that. I am still immature in this part, i still feel a need to be in a group, and that dampens my spirits when i am not. Shouvik and many others are like that too, but it is difficult to be stubborn and accepted at the same time. I guess that i need to learn to be alone. For instant, blogging without a particular audience in mind helps for me to be myself yet show my internal emotions.

I cant help thinking mr tan's comment during language arts today, "Friends are the 21st century family". I would like to beleive that, but due to my lack of accompanyment, it really seems like a thin comment. perhaps i havent found my solace yet. we will meet many people in your life, and most of htem you will not agree with, but once you find that person or that group of friends, then it will be all worthwhile. sounds a bit like a lovesick puppy, but not quite so. Even if i really do not find that "2nd family" i always have my folks. I have always been quite a family person, holding my parents and relatives quite close to me. I know that they will never let me down, and they will always be there.

So now, back to school. I have been searching for where i belong. i thought i found it in someone, but that was just a facade. continue with the search and resume to my former life, sounds philosophical, but simply is common sense.

This term is going to get a lot better, i can feel it!