Puking

ever met one of those people that make you feel uneasy? those kind of people that sicken you with their every move. Doesn't mean that that person is your most hated enemy. maybe you just agree to disagree and live with it.

I am in a rut. I am stuck with this person that sickens me to the core, yet I am his friend. it is friggin irritating.

He is a leader, a dedicated and determined person and is very good in whatever he does. I do not hate him or envy him due to that. In fact, I respect it, and that is what made me his friend in the first place. yet, he is so... so... disturbing. he seems like he is trying to be something that he is not. it is just so awkward being around him.

I'm always quiet around him. I shut up, as I am afraid that if I open my mouth I will offend him and everyone else around me. if I open my mouth, I am afraid that I would totally attack him, causing everyone to hate me. that sucks.

perhaps it is true. I see too much of myself in him. I am freaking out as I see myself in another person, and I do not like what I am seeing. come on, he has moved in on my ex! but thats not all. I mean, I remember when I used to be this guy that is trying to make all the friends in the world. surrounding myself with people. And I used to be, and still am, stubborn. It is all the traits I dislike about myself reflected off him.

I wish it were as simple as envy. if it were envy, I would just hate him and never bother myself with him. I probably would do something drastic, and then that would be the end of it. but it isn't so simple. I still regard him as an acquaintance, and it seems that I have to put up with it, as friends are supposed to overlook their differences. but do we overlook our similarities?

I need advice, and I need it bad. but dont tell me confrontation. I have tried so many times to force myself to privately talk to him and sort things out. but I really am not able to. he is just too difficult to face.

I am rethinking this over. perhaps it is not all him. perhaps it is her, too. maybe it is knowing that he is with someone I shared something special with. she played a big part in my life for short while. it will not be forgotten but it will be history.

I shall not talk about her now. it is meant to be private. I am gonna keep it that way. but it is he I need to deal with. so yeah, advise me, and gimme options, something I definitely do not have.