pumping a dry tap

Saturday, good day with the brothers at Sentosa, quite hesitant about going at first, a little sick of Sentosa too, but glad that i went down and had a good time with Marcus, Varun, Eugene, Firdaus and not forgetting Kenneth. these are the good times, the crazy times, that i remember because of the painful sunburns i have on my back now. haha. still awesome day. tired, but good :)

then on the way back home, the thought creeps back, and i don't know what to do with it.

i wish i could just let it out, like just force it all out in one final unhappiness. i tried. seriously, i REALLY TRIED. but i got nothing. i find myself in this state where i can't really express what i want to. like feeling the nose itch, but unable to sneeze.

It's slowly sinking in. i'm slowly realising what i've done. it had to be done. i didn't want to do it. but i did.

i really wish i knew what to say. I'm so scared, beyond scared. Frightened by my reaction. i can't get it out right. something like this should not be lingering, it cannot linger.

i saw the 2 and i read them again and again. i went to find everything i ever recieved and all the pictures, looking again and again. thinking over the countless things said and done. i searched my mail for the letters, the wonderful, amazing letters, speaking across the oceans. i remember the calls, the long, the short, the crying, the silence.

there's so much, there's just SO MUCH. i don't get why the hell i can't let it out. its a sedation, a numbing, that just dilutes the feelings, and prolongs it too.

there's a lot of history at work.

i'm going off to try and pump the tap. what else can i do?