looking back at the friendship i have established this year, i think about my history of friendships, and then i sometimes think of my loneliness, when i piece them all together, i seem to get a realisation that even though i have had many good friendships in my life, it also have had the same amont of short term friendships too.
In a way, i am constantly changing, and whether i change at a fast rate or not, is not something by which i can judge. So i would assume that i have different needs at different points in my life, and hence i do not have long lasting friendships. i am not so sure whether it is reflecting on my love life, but it is evident to me that my circle of friends is ever changing, and seems to fade quite quickly too.
take for example my primary school days. i though i established some really good friends with people like Ka-X and KL. yet now, not do i barely see them, i do not chat, nor talk to them anymore either. I remember the more /"innocent"/ days, where i would be able to do, say and spout anything i want, and usually the implications are not that great. then as i grow older, the implications get graver, and overall my actions, or lack of it, has caused severe damage to both my social and emotional self.
perhaps it is a bit like Sal. she claims to be more self conscious. in a way, it seems true for myself as well. not in the physical way, as i have dealt with the fact that i am large, and i can only but work to resolve it, rather, i have been made more aware of my flaws, and i feel easily affected and influenced by the critiques of others. In a way i am quite oversensitive in certain areas, especially when isults are in a more convincing form, or somethimes if i respect the person who says it, i would be easily affected too.
i would have thought, that unlike most of my other friends, they do not have the fortune of having inter GEP events to bond more with their primary school friends, yet there are people that have friendships that have lasted a significantly long time. I guess that i do envy kenneth, as he told me of his best friend that he has known since primary 4. in a way, he has other ties with his friend other than school, his father happens to know his friend/'s father, and they know each other through a number of other ways, but the bottomline is that he has a friend which he can call abest friend, and it means more than just the petty things of friend you more than him, so you are my best friend.
of course i am not saying i am unhappy with my current friends. i know a large number of people in TJ, and i have better friendships, and i have many more acquaintences, but i feel content with status quo.
I just cannot help but wonder to myself, about the reasons my friendship has worked, or not, in the past and present. I find that it has a large extent to do with me being clingy towards people. Isaac has said, why do people have the inate desire to belong to a group? personally, i would initially disagree with him and say that i am content being alone sometimes, yet i know that his words are true, and that i do want to belong to something bigger than personal.
I tend to pull back the image of my childhood. there was once where i went on holiday to malaysia with my cousin, and her cousin. her cousin is not my cousin, as her cousin was from the other side of her family. when i first met her cousin, or guan yi, i was in such admiration of him, and i felt that i wanted to be his best friend. of course it would seem psychotic, but that was the way i thought at that age, and it was a simple wanting to be as close to him as possible. however, by the end of that holidays, he must have been really bothered by me, because i beleive i was too clingy, and would do anything to make myself likeable. from that point, it has been a recurring thought when i have friends, and it has developed me to be more passive.
i then progressed on to VS, which was more detrimental to my friendship development than ever. i was pretty much of a social outcast in VS, but the social outcasts consist of the physically different, the blacks, the munjans, the smart, the stupid, the nerds, the posers, and close to everyone, leaving nothing for the normal people. i thought i found friendship in Sean and Leon, but now they are doing their own thing, and have their own social castle to build.
but i do have to admire sean. he has been a interesting person to be friends with. recently when i invited him to buy tickets for my drama performance, he had matured more in his thinking, and he seemed to have a cler path and conscience in his attitude to life. it was inspiring to see his life change, and that he was coming into his own as well.
after all the loops i have made, somehow it all boils down to isaac. after so long, it seems like he is the reference point, and most of my derivations seem to stem from knowing him. yes i do admire him at times, and i do wish i knew him more as a person, but i still would trust my life with him more than anyone, currently. it pisses me off quite a bit when he has his mood swings and his silly ramblings. it is just hard to deal with someone that treats you so strangely, especially when you think he is a friend worth having.
I just want to know someone for who he or she really is. i do not care how weird their life is, but i just want to be in touch with the person underneath the facade. when isaac tells me things i have great repect for him, when syak told me about her life, i was honored, and i got to know a different dimension of her. i think that in a way, i wear my heart on my sleeve. i am gullible in a sense that i would tell anyone anything, provided they know me to a certain extent. i just want a friend which i can say that i know what he/she is really like, i know why they are like that and do certain things, that is what i want in a friend.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Friday, September 23, 2005
wrapping up
it has been a wholesome year with all sorts of ups and downs, and i guess that i like reflecting on this year, as it has been one of the best years of my life, it is enriching, and altough i go through a lot of shit, there is still the sense of awe, when i look back and seen what i have done.
It never occured to me how short a time we have left. the thing is that we knew at the back of our heads that we are going to split up, but we just do not really realise it with the exam stress going on.
Today i was simply doing my math revision excercise with kenneth in school. then out of the blue he turned to me and said, /" You dont realise it right?/" i was like Huh?. he went on we all dont realise it but in 1 months time, we are going to be in seperate classes.. I was kind of taken aback. it was true. i did not realise that it was so soon. and i could not think about it at all...
Many a time i have said that i am so glad i am in 1E. in fact this week i said it quite a few times to people like yee chuin and others. Apparently 1E was the leftovers class. all those that are not exactly high in academics but have interesting personalities. i should know, look at Kenneth, Marcus, Isaac, the rest of the brudders, even jane, syak, and of course wendy. 1E is so diverse in personality, that it is never boring in our class. Even other people hang out in our class, usually its just the 1A people, but even so, our class is a hangout.
I have been asking around what kind of subject combinations people are going to take. as usual my class has totally different answers from different people, and it does not really seem like many are choosing the subject combi i am doing. So there is the chance that i will have a totally different class that is kinda boring, or at least not as great as 1E.
It seems funny, because i did not think about it before. I used to feel nostalgic of my primary school, and even to a certain sense, VS. yet, it never occured to me that i will miss my class. we have grown so much together, the class and as brudders, and it really seems a pity for us to break up. Nostalgia is weird, it can occur even when you are still together.
me and kenneth spent a while lamenting and reminiscing before going back to math. It seems like just yesterday when we had our orientation. the days of doing crazy things to get points, and the stripping act for orientation night. I remember hitting it off really well with eugene, and remember the nights where isaac would scream WORK PERMIT!!! and i would throw my bulky sleeping bag at him. All the crazy things, including arguing with wendy over almost everything, and playing around with eugene.
then there has been the rest of the year. Cheerleading, House functions, SC campaigning, SC things, and now we are planning our own Orientation. It seems that we are moving at too fast a pace, and i want it to stay like this for as long as possible.
Wendy, the squabbling, the bickering, insults and just pissing each other off. in a way, it is going to be quite quiet when i am not your enemy. look at today, marcus tan asked for who is the most disliked in class, and almost immedietly, we hear I dont like Jonathan. marcus tan was simply grinning so hard... Well, there is only one wendy, and only one enemy in her eyes >.<
Jane, hmm... you are definitely interesting. working in your group for 1 term has been very interesting, cuz i have never been chased after so much for work by a classmate in my life. but yet, you are still fun loving. hmm... fun-loving perfectionist. awkward combo, but definitely suits you. its been a pleasure working with you and fun seeing how you react to the craziness of me kenneth and marcus :D
Eugene, he has gone a long way from the start of the year. it is either he has grown a lot, or i have just gotten to know him better. the strength you have shown is in class as a CG rep, and in SC as a councillor. i have not met someone quite like you, but i am glad i have. you show me that one can be so much stronger than what he portrays himself to be.
Syakirah, you are still a really muddled character! I didnt remember much of you from the orientation or even the start of the year. but now, we are like siblings, or dodo sibs, i have gotten to meet a different side of you in SC and through other things. haha, you will always be the cheeky sily person, but i know that there is more to that as well :)
Councillors of 1E. we work things out together. its just like the chopsticks and how many of us are stronger, and i know we can rely on each other no mattter what. thanks, you taught me how to be less aggresive and stubborn, and you guys have really been the best people i have worked with.
Varun, you have been remembered as the uncute cute one. you are underestimated a lot, but you just have to pick yourself up and prove them wrong. you are definitely letting yourself go to waste, but i know that you are more than that, so i think you will be fine.
Marcus, you are a serious joker, with you it never is a dull moment. you totally lame people out, and the way you react to thinngs is just simply entertaining. haha, i remember the years when you chase me out of class, never would i think you are so crazy and weird, yet the most enthu and vibrant too.
Kenneth, you wit never seems to astound me. you are just an intellectual, just that you are just so weird o.O you are like a really wise-ass kid, you know too much for your own good, but it is really fun having you around to make the group laugh like crazy even when the topic is boring out of all reason. you liven up our group. 2 terms of groupwork has just been amazing with you around.
Isaac, we go back a long way. i have so much to say, but bottomline is that i appreciate you. all the times of insults, pranks and squabbling, it has boiled down to this. i have found a person that i can trust things with. you may not always be the MOST positive person around, but you definitely have one of the most mature minds in class and perhaps TA. it has been an honor for the past 5 years of school, and i hope it will not end.
Brothers of 1E. over the past term, we have simply become closer. perhaps sometimes there are different divisions, but we share good times, and i bet if one of us is facing problems, we are there for each other. maybe we will have different brothers next year, but the brothers of 1E will be there for a long time.
1E. it has been a hell of a ride. a ride i wish i could go on again. but i know it wont happen. i have learnt so much.
Me and kenneth are planning something for the class. a memorabilia in a way. it has to be surprise though, but of course work comes first. I just cant think that there will be an easy way for 1E to split, and what else can i do but look in longing and savour our final month as a class together. CG 1E/05 forever, and may we stay strong as friends.
It never occured to me how short a time we have left. the thing is that we knew at the back of our heads that we are going to split up, but we just do not really realise it with the exam stress going on.
Today i was simply doing my math revision excercise with kenneth in school. then out of the blue he turned to me and said, /" You dont realise it right?/" i was like Huh?. he went on we all dont realise it but in 1 months time, we are going to be in seperate classes.. I was kind of taken aback. it was true. i did not realise that it was so soon. and i could not think about it at all...
Many a time i have said that i am so glad i am in 1E. in fact this week i said it quite a few times to people like yee chuin and others. Apparently 1E was the leftovers class. all those that are not exactly high in academics but have interesting personalities. i should know, look at Kenneth, Marcus, Isaac, the rest of the brudders, even jane, syak, and of course wendy. 1E is so diverse in personality, that it is never boring in our class. Even other people hang out in our class, usually its just the 1A people, but even so, our class is a hangout.
I have been asking around what kind of subject combinations people are going to take. as usual my class has totally different answers from different people, and it does not really seem like many are choosing the subject combi i am doing. So there is the chance that i will have a totally different class that is kinda boring, or at least not as great as 1E.
It seems funny, because i did not think about it before. I used to feel nostalgic of my primary school, and even to a certain sense, VS. yet, it never occured to me that i will miss my class. we have grown so much together, the class and as brudders, and it really seems a pity for us to break up. Nostalgia is weird, it can occur even when you are still together.
me and kenneth spent a while lamenting and reminiscing before going back to math. It seems like just yesterday when we had our orientation. the days of doing crazy things to get points, and the stripping act for orientation night. I remember hitting it off really well with eugene, and remember the nights where isaac would scream WORK PERMIT!!! and i would throw my bulky sleeping bag at him. All the crazy things, including arguing with wendy over almost everything, and playing around with eugene.
then there has been the rest of the year. Cheerleading, House functions, SC campaigning, SC things, and now we are planning our own Orientation. It seems that we are moving at too fast a pace, and i want it to stay like this for as long as possible.
Wendy, the squabbling, the bickering, insults and just pissing each other off. in a way, it is going to be quite quiet when i am not your enemy. look at today, marcus tan asked for who is the most disliked in class, and almost immedietly, we hear I dont like Jonathan. marcus tan was simply grinning so hard... Well, there is only one wendy, and only one enemy in her eyes >.<
Jane, hmm... you are definitely interesting. working in your group for 1 term has been very interesting, cuz i have never been chased after so much for work by a classmate in my life. but yet, you are still fun loving. hmm... fun-loving perfectionist. awkward combo, but definitely suits you. its been a pleasure working with you and fun seeing how you react to the craziness of me kenneth and marcus :D
Eugene, he has gone a long way from the start of the year. it is either he has grown a lot, or i have just gotten to know him better. the strength you have shown is in class as a CG rep, and in SC as a councillor. i have not met someone quite like you, but i am glad i have. you show me that one can be so much stronger than what he portrays himself to be.
Syakirah, you are still a really muddled character! I didnt remember much of you from the orientation or even the start of the year. but now, we are like siblings, or dodo sibs, i have gotten to meet a different side of you in SC and through other things. haha, you will always be the cheeky sily person, but i know that there is more to that as well :)
Councillors of 1E. we work things out together. its just like the chopsticks and how many of us are stronger, and i know we can rely on each other no mattter what. thanks, you taught me how to be less aggresive and stubborn, and you guys have really been the best people i have worked with.
Varun, you have been remembered as the uncute cute one. you are underestimated a lot, but you just have to pick yourself up and prove them wrong. you are definitely letting yourself go to waste, but i know that you are more than that, so i think you will be fine.
Marcus, you are a serious joker, with you it never is a dull moment. you totally lame people out, and the way you react to thinngs is just simply entertaining. haha, i remember the years when you chase me out of class, never would i think you are so crazy and weird, yet the most enthu and vibrant too.
Kenneth, you wit never seems to astound me. you are just an intellectual, just that you are just so weird o.O you are like a really wise-ass kid, you know too much for your own good, but it is really fun having you around to make the group laugh like crazy even when the topic is boring out of all reason. you liven up our group. 2 terms of groupwork has just been amazing with you around.
Isaac, we go back a long way. i have so much to say, but bottomline is that i appreciate you. all the times of insults, pranks and squabbling, it has boiled down to this. i have found a person that i can trust things with. you may not always be the MOST positive person around, but you definitely have one of the most mature minds in class and perhaps TA. it has been an honor for the past 5 years of school, and i hope it will not end.
Brothers of 1E. over the past term, we have simply become closer. perhaps sometimes there are different divisions, but we share good times, and i bet if one of us is facing problems, we are there for each other. maybe we will have different brothers next year, but the brothers of 1E will be there for a long time.
1E. it has been a hell of a ride. a ride i wish i could go on again. but i know it wont happen. i have learnt so much.
Me and kenneth are planning something for the class. a memorabilia in a way. it has to be surprise though, but of course work comes first. I just cant think that there will be an easy way for 1E to split, and what else can i do but look in longing and savour our final month as a class together. CG 1E/05 forever, and may we stay strong as friends.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
matters of the heart
It has always been obvious to me that at this age, and this point in my life, hormones will be raging, and inevitably, matters of the heart will be complicated. yet, it is not until you experience it, that you reallise that it truly is a bigger thing to handle that what is is perceived to be. there is no wonder why we tend to see such drastic behavior in people and within ourselves.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
matters of the heart
It has always been obvious to me that at this age, and this point in my life, hormones will be raging, and inevitably, matters of the heart will be complicated. yet, it is not until you experience it, that you reallise that it truly is a bigger thing to handle that what is is perceived to be. there is no wonder why we tend to see such drastic behavior in people and within ourselves.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
soon...
it is 6pm, im in school, blogging, and it is 3 weeks to the promos. Admittantly, i should be studying and cramping my brain with tons of miscellenous information about Similar triangles, shakespeare's plays and secondary structure of protein. yet i am here posting, and reflecting of what i have done this year, and what i am goign to do.
Truth is, that my opinion, and to many other's too, the exams are just gonna be the paper certification for our future job. soon, everyone will have the same qualification, and it is going to speak very little to the employer, what kind of person we are. then our opinion is that the paper qualifications will no longer matter, what will matter is personality, commitment, and experience.
My take, is that i can not worry so far ahead. if i am going to think about this, i should save it for after the promos.
how has my year been? relatively, at least compared to last year, i have reason to beleive that my work attitude is changing. perhaps because i am doing marginally better, or maybe it is just the environment i am now in. No, its not very competitive, but i feel more competent, and willing to work harder to not only do better, but to show to others and myself, that i am changing.
I feel a bit bad/guilty, especially to those that look up to me. funny, i have people who actually look up to me! but yeah, i guess that people think i am more intelligent then them. i have been given the opportunity and adapt to the faster pace in GEP, but that does not make me any more intelligent. look at isaac, he is intelligent, but the key is that he works hard, i will have nothing to say if he were to get top scores.
Now i am starting to worry. i do not work as hard. i am only accustomed to the style of teaching, and i guess i am doing relatively similar to last year. this does mean that by the end of the 4 years, i will be further behind then anyone else, as while they are at my comfort with the system, their true intelligence will show, and i will eat their dust if i am not hardworking enough.
Work. that is something i am not good at. more as a verb than a noun. truth is that i dont think this really my forte. i think rather than just work, i excel more at brainstorming than the slogging over work. essentially, in one word, im LAZY.
i still am slothing my day away instead of studying, but this is where i think i put council before studies. i shouldn/'t but the truth is i do. I rather do anything, and this usually includes socialising, doing things for others, and i rather teach what i know than do work! still, i rather do things that build me up as a person, than remembering the one thing that builds people, discipline.
Sigh, what is a guy to do? i can resolve all i like and commit to studying full force, but i know that it is not really gonna happen. but until i can commit, i shall go study anyway. i think i have reached a point where i have nothing else better to do.
Truth is, that my opinion, and to many other's too, the exams are just gonna be the paper certification for our future job. soon, everyone will have the same qualification, and it is going to speak very little to the employer, what kind of person we are. then our opinion is that the paper qualifications will no longer matter, what will matter is personality, commitment, and experience.
My take, is that i can not worry so far ahead. if i am going to think about this, i should save it for after the promos.
how has my year been? relatively, at least compared to last year, i have reason to beleive that my work attitude is changing. perhaps because i am doing marginally better, or maybe it is just the environment i am now in. No, its not very competitive, but i feel more competent, and willing to work harder to not only do better, but to show to others and myself, that i am changing.
I feel a bit bad/guilty, especially to those that look up to me. funny, i have people who actually look up to me! but yeah, i guess that people think i am more intelligent then them. i have been given the opportunity and adapt to the faster pace in GEP, but that does not make me any more intelligent. look at isaac, he is intelligent, but the key is that he works hard, i will have nothing to say if he were to get top scores.
Now i am starting to worry. i do not work as hard. i am only accustomed to the style of teaching, and i guess i am doing relatively similar to last year. this does mean that by the end of the 4 years, i will be further behind then anyone else, as while they are at my comfort with the system, their true intelligence will show, and i will eat their dust if i am not hardworking enough.
Work. that is something i am not good at. more as a verb than a noun. truth is that i dont think this really my forte. i think rather than just work, i excel more at brainstorming than the slogging over work. essentially, in one word, im LAZY.
i still am slothing my day away instead of studying, but this is where i think i put council before studies. i shouldn/'t but the truth is i do. I rather do anything, and this usually includes socialising, doing things for others, and i rather teach what i know than do work! still, i rather do things that build me up as a person, than remembering the one thing that builds people, discipline.
Sigh, what is a guy to do? i can resolve all i like and commit to studying full force, but i know that it is not really gonna happen. but until i can commit, i shall go study anyway. i think i have reached a point where i have nothing else better to do.
Monday, September 05, 2005
The new, the old and the constant
Its been a while since i posted. i have enjoyed myself utterly throughout the last week as well as the first 3 days of the hols.
I guess it started from wednesday, the very eve of teachers/' day. thanks to isaac, who didn/'t really go back to Royth, but just got the excuse to get out of school, anywae, he and i were allowed to leave school early to go back to our Rosyth. I felt a bit guilty as i was allowed to leave freely, but the rest from schools like anglican, tried so hard to get permission to leave, but they were rejected. I felt bad that i couldn/'t do anything, but it couldn/'t be helped.
When i finally reached Rosyth. i couldn/'t help be feel a bit out of place. I had come back here twice with a /"Victorian mentality/" and i cannot say that i had a very good attitude then. yet now, i come back with a totally different experience, and i felt that i was not who i used to be in this school and in vs. Then i was commenting, perhaps it was not something internal, but it could have been because it was so quiet. the RI guys pretty much made up a large portion of the guys that came back. maybe it is due to the fact one RI guy coming is equavalent to 3 people. the Rafflesian, his ego, and his ego/'s ego.
After, guan and bib came to my house. it has been eons since any ex-ro or even my classmates, last came to my house. It was really good to catch up with bib and guan, even though guan was drunk on some mocha creme which was a mocha and vodka drink i served him. I admit, that out of all the people i have met and left, i miss my primary school friends the most. As they left, we planned to meet sal the next day for vocal training which she was introducing to us.
The next day, in the morning i was still skeptical to go, yet, i managed to lug myself out of the house and meet them. bib kinda backed out, cuz she said she couldnt sing... I was wondering how sal would look like now. havent really seen her, and when i last saw bib this year, she was totally different in style and everything. Then sla came in a /"plain jane/" look which i guess you cant really say that, as, when was sal ever /"plain/"?
so the three of us (me, guan and sal) all went to the place where we were gonna try that vocal training thing. The lady was really really late, so we being immature as we are, fooled around with the mikes and played around in the area. Sal sings really well, even though she does not admit it, her speaking voice has really gone down too, cuz she says she is more self conscious. i guess it happens to best of us, i am still really chicken to try certain things though.
I/'m proud i plucked up the courage to try the vocal training, cuz not only does it allow me to spend time with the ex-ros, but it is fun and beneficial too.
Side: i never fully noticed how close our batch of 2002 GEP ex-rosythians were. i knew that we were usually good friends and generally kept in contact, but i thought that was normal for all batches. well it isnt really. why were we so close? i guess it was all the crazy stuff we did in and out of class. the fairytale dress up (fairy princess in roller blades!) and the inter class war, or even the time chong wee broke the window slide in the old rosyth building, it was really great those days.
It really seems like there are many old and new things in my life, but i am glad that i get to try more and more new things in my life. even if it is small and silly. thanks to Sal for letting me try the crazy parapara machine, i garuntee that next time we are going to spend guan/'s tokens so fast he wont see what hit him.
It was quite ironic, cuz immedietly after spending the morning with them, i spent time doing my math proj at kenneth/'s house with the rest of my group, and friends from TJ.
but for real irony, it was today celebrating syak/'s birthday. Btw, Happy birthday SYAK! you/'re 15 now! better start acting your age! haha.
the irony was that we went to exact same place to watch a movie (red eye), as where i went /"parapara-ing/" and the funny thing was that today was the first time i ever took a neoprint. apart from learning that it is very expensive, and hard to take within the short time (and cramped space), it can be quite fun to mark the occasion, and to leave happy memories.
There was something i realised. when going out with sal and guan, i felt slightly more depressed and toned down than today. i figured that it was due to my experiences with them. I knew that i was on good terms with Sal and guan, but i have to admit that i was a bit of a social reject in pri school. i guess i offended quite a few people. also, i guess its bcuz i knew that our outing would not last long, and soon we may not see each other for a while. On syak/'s birthday, i felt comfortable with everyone, and i knew that these would be a time we can talk about when we meet in school, and i felt like there was no burden of the past.
Well, apart from having 3 very fun days with my frineds both new nad old, i have also gained quite a bit of knowledge of myself and my attitude towards people. i can only but say, /"let the good time roll/", and i look forward to the next vocal training as well as the next outing any of us have. =)
I guess it started from wednesday, the very eve of teachers/' day. thanks to isaac, who didn/'t really go back to Royth, but just got the excuse to get out of school, anywae, he and i were allowed to leave school early to go back to our Rosyth. I felt a bit guilty as i was allowed to leave freely, but the rest from schools like anglican, tried so hard to get permission to leave, but they were rejected. I felt bad that i couldn/'t do anything, but it couldn/'t be helped.
When i finally reached Rosyth. i couldn/'t help be feel a bit out of place. I had come back here twice with a /"Victorian mentality/" and i cannot say that i had a very good attitude then. yet now, i come back with a totally different experience, and i felt that i was not who i used to be in this school and in vs. Then i was commenting, perhaps it was not something internal, but it could have been because it was so quiet. the RI guys pretty much made up a large portion of the guys that came back. maybe it is due to the fact one RI guy coming is equavalent to 3 people. the Rafflesian, his ego, and his ego/'s ego.
After, guan and bib came to my house. it has been eons since any ex-ro or even my classmates, last came to my house. It was really good to catch up with bib and guan, even though guan was drunk on some mocha creme which was a mocha and vodka drink i served him. I admit, that out of all the people i have met and left, i miss my primary school friends the most. As they left, we planned to meet sal the next day for vocal training which she was introducing to us.
The next day, in the morning i was still skeptical to go, yet, i managed to lug myself out of the house and meet them. bib kinda backed out, cuz she said she couldnt sing... I was wondering how sal would look like now. havent really seen her, and when i last saw bib this year, she was totally different in style and everything. Then sla came in a /"plain jane/" look which i guess you cant really say that, as, when was sal ever /"plain/"?
so the three of us (me, guan and sal) all went to the place where we were gonna try that vocal training thing. The lady was really really late, so we being immature as we are, fooled around with the mikes and played around in the area. Sal sings really well, even though she does not admit it, her speaking voice has really gone down too, cuz she says she is more self conscious. i guess it happens to best of us, i am still really chicken to try certain things though.
I/'m proud i plucked up the courage to try the vocal training, cuz not only does it allow me to spend time with the ex-ros, but it is fun and beneficial too.
Side: i never fully noticed how close our batch of 2002 GEP ex-rosythians were. i knew that we were usually good friends and generally kept in contact, but i thought that was normal for all batches. well it isnt really. why were we so close? i guess it was all the crazy stuff we did in and out of class. the fairytale dress up (fairy princess in roller blades!) and the inter class war, or even the time chong wee broke the window slide in the old rosyth building, it was really great those days.
It really seems like there are many old and new things in my life, but i am glad that i get to try more and more new things in my life. even if it is small and silly. thanks to Sal for letting me try the crazy parapara machine, i garuntee that next time we are going to spend guan/'s tokens so fast he wont see what hit him.
It was quite ironic, cuz immedietly after spending the morning with them, i spent time doing my math proj at kenneth/'s house with the rest of my group, and friends from TJ.
but for real irony, it was today celebrating syak/'s birthday. Btw, Happy birthday SYAK! you/'re 15 now! better start acting your age! haha.
the irony was that we went to exact same place to watch a movie (red eye), as where i went /"parapara-ing/" and the funny thing was that today was the first time i ever took a neoprint. apart from learning that it is very expensive, and hard to take within the short time (and cramped space), it can be quite fun to mark the occasion, and to leave happy memories.
There was something i realised. when going out with sal and guan, i felt slightly more depressed and toned down than today. i figured that it was due to my experiences with them. I knew that i was on good terms with Sal and guan, but i have to admit that i was a bit of a social reject in pri school. i guess i offended quite a few people. also, i guess its bcuz i knew that our outing would not last long, and soon we may not see each other for a while. On syak/'s birthday, i felt comfortable with everyone, and i knew that these would be a time we can talk about when we meet in school, and i felt like there was no burden of the past.
Well, apart from having 3 very fun days with my frineds both new nad old, i have also gained quite a bit of knowledge of myself and my attitude towards people. i can only but say, /"let the good time roll/", and i look forward to the next vocal training as well as the next outing any of us have. =)
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