Its finally the last week of holidays! I as any normal person, i bet going back to school is a bittersweet feeling. Back to all the good friends, good times, and of course, the deprivation of boredom. but at the same time, all the work that we gonna have to face, as well as tests in the first 2 weeks. Not to mention BlackLights is coming up, which i may be worried about, but i know it will turn out fine!
Any way, back from my malaysia trip. it could be considered just another family trip and to genting no less, but i think this trip i learnt quite a lot of things that i am both happy, and scared about. no.1) i learn that i have reached an age where genting is no longer fun. to old to appreciate the theme parks, and not old enough to go to the casino. maybe one day (when it is possible) it would be best to go with a group of friends. Bowling, Pool, Arcade, its not the activites that are fun, but like alot of things, it is the company!
So, with nothing to do outside, i was left to the pages between my book, and dreamland to occupy my time. I recently finished "Sons of Fortune" by Jeffrey Archer, and i can say that i quite enjoyed the Politiking of the characters, but also it also made me realise a few things. somehow, after finishing the book, i felt compelled to work harder in my studies. it just seemed that even though the characters were of different background, despite being genetically the same, they both had a commonality. Drive, intelligence and courage. now, both characters did really well in their studies, which contributed to them attaining presidency in their school, and later on, even in the country. one way of gaining this respect, would be to do better in my studies. i am not just a joker with no academic strength, i want to show that if i put my mind to it i can do it too. this in addition to the fear and the guilt i am finally feeling for not doing my work, it is pushing me to want to excel in my studies, because i have the capacity to.
another would also be my family. somehow, at home i feel lonely, because my parents are at work, and my brother doesn't really talk to me. but over the holiday in m'sia, i got a chance to be NICE to my brother. the block letters is not because i am being sarcastic, but it is because i have hardly ever been nice to the poor kid, and i dont want things to stay that way. and i always love being around my parents, they just make my life good. they are the best support anyone can find.
Back from my holidy, i had a thousand things on my mind, BlackLights, Schoolwork, and the new found want to excel in studies. it would be quite crazy to balance and fit them all into a day, especially while changing to want to study more (in other words, i am still easily distracted)
SYAK AND JANE! SYAK AND JANE! SYAK AND JANE!
this was on specail request by syakirah! haha, yes you 2 mean the world to me!
This sunday we 3 shall be performing at Jane's condo, Sunhaven, for some Sunhaven Idol. as much as we would like to win, it has been fun spending time practicing and rehearsing for the thing. Another reason i want to back to school!
time and time again, i really ponder over how my friendships will end up. and maybe it might be another superficial one, but i have teh gut feeling it wont be that simple. I like jane's photo on friendsterm the one with the caption "my 2 favorite people", and i wanna thank syak for getting something for me when she went on holiday. we may not have the opportunity to chat much, but its great knowing you gals are around! :)
and one more person made my oh-so-boring holidays not so "oh-so-boring". thats mee favourite kaya cake! no i havent been stuffing myself with THAT, but you know what i mean. No matter what happens there will always be one person to be there no matter what! haha! so if anything. anything at all, give a shout out!
+++
that was quite a lot of "testimonials", kind of. i think it has made me realise that the holidays weren't so bad afterall. maybe i am dissapointed at my attitude to work, and my extreme laziness and procrastination in the first few weeks, but i have certainly learnt a lesson on how to better myself.
Speaking to Kerry today, i am worried about school. her high stress/worry level is starting to rub off quite significantly, and even i, the extreme sloth, is starting to seriously consider focusing and putting in my all.
Having a little difficulty changing though, Rome wasnt built in a day, and i find it difficult to break from my easily distracted self. but everytime i do, i try to pull my self back. i think i sutdy better with a group. at least that was the case studying with Sean today. got quite a bit done, but i guess since it was only the short span of an hour. but maybe i can set up another study grp, then i can focus better, and also, teaching is the best form of revising.
So now. on my agenda. finish up my overdue work. study hard for the upcoming tests. make sure BlackLights is a HIT! change my attitude. and apologise to teachers, and most importantly my parents, because the guilt largely is in fear of letting them down.
Well, not that i have a choice, but school starts in 4 days time? i'll make the best of what is left!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
Going to Malaysia tomorrow!
I just have nothing to blog about. Day after day, same-o same-o. and routine i guess. never really liked routine, i can't even stand having teh same breakfast every morning, must have variety, must change.
Im going to Malaysia tomorrow for a short holiday! usually i dont think much about holidays, but for one, i have more free time to THINK. period. but anyway, when i thought about what holidays are to me and what they are to other people, i reflect on how lucky i am. In fact I am very lucky. so lucky, that i am UNlucky.
Unlucky in a lucky way.
that sucks. lemme first justify and explain what i mean. i am lucky to come from a well off family. that can afford most things and give me a comfortable lifestyle. but that takes away a lot of my drive and the pressure to do things. I don't exactly know what it is like to suffer hardship, and have to earn a living. then next is my studies. im not a top student, but without much effort i can pass. not do well, just pass. so if i know i dont need to put in much effort to pass, then i wont put in much effort. (and i dont)
well i definitely look forward to it! Because it means i get to get out of the house, and it also means i get to spend quality time with my family. that is what the holiday is all about. family.
at home i feel a little... empty? but that is just during the day. the holidays are usually a very boring time for me. cuz im not doing anything productive with my life, and i can't really spend that much time with my loved ones. my parents work till late, and my bro has a better time on the computer then with me. (but then again sometimes im like that to, oh well, you get what you give) and i envy people that can find the friends to keep going out with them, or find so many things to do. I think i said before, I rather be busy than bored, and right now, i'm waaayyy bored.
i want to go back to school. yep, everything, even the workload. cuz its starting to bug me. with the hols i am not constantly chased, and the added minus is that there is more and larger work due when i go back. i rather the normal day schoolwork, where i hand in 1 or 2 days late and teachers are a bit dissapointed, but at least it is in. and of course there is the people. i miss seeing familiar faces unexpectedly. its a challenge for me to keep up with people, a challenge that i enjoy.
Well another thing to look forwatrd to is my BBQ with the exros when i come back. these are people i havent seen in a loooong time, some longer than others. i wonder what it will be like. its gonna go one of 2 ways. either its going to go really well, and i will be really pally with them, or its going to be awkward and quiet, and people wont know what to say to each other. the school cliques would form, and i being the odd one out, would teeter from grp to grp, not really "belonging". but i wait in anticipation. i just want to see them again, im not so worried about what happens after that.
+++
GWAHH its bad being a teenager. stupid hormones. thats the thing bugging me, i guess. as much as i would like to avoid that topic, cuz of my LACK OF a realtionship. HAHA, no one would ever pry anything out of me!
but like i said. that is nothing... at all...(that sucks >.<) and not like its going to move anywhere anytime soon. this playa' has "no game" -.-'''
Im going to Malaysia tomorrow for a short holiday! usually i dont think much about holidays, but for one, i have more free time to THINK. period. but anyway, when i thought about what holidays are to me and what they are to other people, i reflect on how lucky i am. In fact I am very lucky. so lucky, that i am UNlucky.
Unlucky in a lucky way.
that sucks. lemme first justify and explain what i mean. i am lucky to come from a well off family. that can afford most things and give me a comfortable lifestyle. but that takes away a lot of my drive and the pressure to do things. I don't exactly know what it is like to suffer hardship, and have to earn a living. then next is my studies. im not a top student, but without much effort i can pass. not do well, just pass. so if i know i dont need to put in much effort to pass, then i wont put in much effort. (and i dont)
well i definitely look forward to it! Because it means i get to get out of the house, and it also means i get to spend quality time with my family. that is what the holiday is all about. family.
at home i feel a little... empty? but that is just during the day. the holidays are usually a very boring time for me. cuz im not doing anything productive with my life, and i can't really spend that much time with my loved ones. my parents work till late, and my bro has a better time on the computer then with me. (but then again sometimes im like that to, oh well, you get what you give) and i envy people that can find the friends to keep going out with them, or find so many things to do. I think i said before, I rather be busy than bored, and right now, i'm waaayyy bored.
i want to go back to school. yep, everything, even the workload. cuz its starting to bug me. with the hols i am not constantly chased, and the added minus is that there is more and larger work due when i go back. i rather the normal day schoolwork, where i hand in 1 or 2 days late and teachers are a bit dissapointed, but at least it is in. and of course there is the people. i miss seeing familiar faces unexpectedly. its a challenge for me to keep up with people, a challenge that i enjoy.
Well another thing to look forwatrd to is my BBQ with the exros when i come back. these are people i havent seen in a loooong time, some longer than others. i wonder what it will be like. its gonna go one of 2 ways. either its going to go really well, and i will be really pally with them, or its going to be awkward and quiet, and people wont know what to say to each other. the school cliques would form, and i being the odd one out, would teeter from grp to grp, not really "belonging". but i wait in anticipation. i just want to see them again, im not so worried about what happens after that.
+++
GWAHH its bad being a teenager. stupid hormones. thats the thing bugging me, i guess. as much as i would like to avoid that topic, cuz of my LACK OF a realtionship. HAHA, no one would ever pry anything out of me!
but like i said. that is nothing... at all...(that sucks >.<) and not like its going to move anywhere anytime soon. this playa' has "no game" -.-'''
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I'm Just.... sick
No, not the mental psychopath way, i've just been really really ill. if i were to sum up my entire week, it would be 75% ill, nad 25% council. Maybe its something to do with being at home and rotting. i breathe in the same stuffy air, adn maybe whatever germs in the air is just recycled, and keeps attacking until it get in. in any case. im sick. and it sucks.
but somehow my body listens to me quite a bit. i can heal just enough to hold out for SC meetings and stuff. but the moment i get back home, and after a night of sleep, the sam symptoms come back, and i'm immobilised for yet another day. On the other hand, im glad i finally took out my stitches! i feel more mobile now! even if i am still a bit wary of my stitches, i want to do something. like a run perhaps? but apparently there are still 2 gaps at both ends of my scar, so i need to secure it, which also means i can swim for about another week.
so sad. now that i have finally moved into the condo, i don't use the facilities that are just under my nose. the swimming pool has been waiting for me. On really quiet days, where i thnk my mind goes deliriuos, i swear that i hear the swimming pool calling my name in the wind... creepy.
In anycase, if i did not get the chance to go back to school, i think i might have gotten a lot worse. i need the fresh air, the movement and the activity, gets my lungs working, and my systems moving. It helps ALOT.
on Thursday was the second General Meeting forthe 30th SC. I never liked those kind of things. i think im a bit perfectionist, in the sense that sometimes i wish people would just shut up and get things over and done with. but of course, with me being myself, i would be one of the contributors to the rowdyness as well... so mr Hyporcrite, what have YOU got to say?
then after the GM, I called for a BlackLights meeting with the TASC. Im glad that we got some direction into it. i finally feel like we are moving away from square one. we may not be at square 2 yet, but at least we in the process of getting there. Spare you the details, but ironically that is what the project needs. Details, all of it.
To put things into action, you must first know specifics, and then work on it. a great planner that cannot execute is obviously useless, but a great executer without any plans is similarly handicapped. I have never enjoyed doing up proposals. In fact looking back at one of the F&B proposals i did for Movie Mania, it was total and utter crap. but when it came to doing Movie Mania, it took some decisiveness, and i swear, comparatively the execution was tonnes better than the planning. But like all things, i need to learn to become better, and doing up the proposal is a good way of thinking things through, and making sure it will work.
Im beginning to trust the people around me more. somehow, people are pushing themselves to WANT to make this a success. and frankly, i am stunned. its quite amazing how my I/Cs are working, accomplishing everything they need to plus more. I won't say that i feel like im lagging behind, but i will say that i am awestruck. at the same time, i had a meeting for the interns today, and it went of a lot better than expected. they werent too rowdy, and they were highly effective in cranking out ideas. Confidence is building up. the project, the team and myself.
This does not make me any less tired though. My mind cannot keep up with many things that are going on around me. it is just in some blurry state where it has a hard time to focus. Just holding on i guess. hoping my illness will subside soon, and i can get back to whatever it was i was doing.
I think my posts are getting more static... i don't exactly have anything overwhleming with angst or emotion to blog about. PERHAPS there is... but i dont want to put it here on public domain. Ah wells... cant be helped. but i dont like to see my blog all stale and tagboard dry, so i shall post snippets of how my life is going. but i do hope to more "passionate"? in my future posts.
I'm just flooded with details. too many concurrent things that buzz in my head. need to clear the junk...... i need to pour it out... sigh.... oh well :D
but somehow my body listens to me quite a bit. i can heal just enough to hold out for SC meetings and stuff. but the moment i get back home, and after a night of sleep, the sam symptoms come back, and i'm immobilised for yet another day. On the other hand, im glad i finally took out my stitches! i feel more mobile now! even if i am still a bit wary of my stitches, i want to do something. like a run perhaps? but apparently there are still 2 gaps at both ends of my scar, so i need to secure it, which also means i can swim for about another week.
so sad. now that i have finally moved into the condo, i don't use the facilities that are just under my nose. the swimming pool has been waiting for me. On really quiet days, where i thnk my mind goes deliriuos, i swear that i hear the swimming pool calling my name in the wind... creepy.
In anycase, if i did not get the chance to go back to school, i think i might have gotten a lot worse. i need the fresh air, the movement and the activity, gets my lungs working, and my systems moving. It helps ALOT.
on Thursday was the second General Meeting forthe 30th SC. I never liked those kind of things. i think im a bit perfectionist, in the sense that sometimes i wish people would just shut up and get things over and done with. but of course, with me being myself, i would be one of the contributors to the rowdyness as well... so mr Hyporcrite, what have YOU got to say?
then after the GM, I called for a BlackLights meeting with the TASC. Im glad that we got some direction into it. i finally feel like we are moving away from square one. we may not be at square 2 yet, but at least we in the process of getting there. Spare you the details, but ironically that is what the project needs. Details, all of it.
To put things into action, you must first know specifics, and then work on it. a great planner that cannot execute is obviously useless, but a great executer without any plans is similarly handicapped. I have never enjoyed doing up proposals. In fact looking back at one of the F&B proposals i did for Movie Mania, it was total and utter crap. but when it came to doing Movie Mania, it took some decisiveness, and i swear, comparatively the execution was tonnes better than the planning. But like all things, i need to learn to become better, and doing up the proposal is a good way of thinking things through, and making sure it will work.
Im beginning to trust the people around me more. somehow, people are pushing themselves to WANT to make this a success. and frankly, i am stunned. its quite amazing how my I/Cs are working, accomplishing everything they need to plus more. I won't say that i feel like im lagging behind, but i will say that i am awestruck. at the same time, i had a meeting for the interns today, and it went of a lot better than expected. they werent too rowdy, and they were highly effective in cranking out ideas. Confidence is building up. the project, the team and myself.
This does not make me any less tired though. My mind cannot keep up with many things that are going on around me. it is just in some blurry state where it has a hard time to focus. Just holding on i guess. hoping my illness will subside soon, and i can get back to whatever it was i was doing.
I think my posts are getting more static... i don't exactly have anything overwhleming with angst or emotion to blog about. PERHAPS there is... but i dont want to put it here on public domain. Ah wells... cant be helped. but i dont like to see my blog all stale and tagboard dry, so i shall post snippets of how my life is going. but i do hope to more "passionate"? in my future posts.
I'm just flooded with details. too many concurrent things that buzz in my head. need to clear the junk...... i need to pour it out... sigh.... oh well :D
Thursday, June 01, 2006
MishMashMosh
no particular reason for the title, i think its funny the way words can come together and make a funny sound! Hopefully this entry will be a short one. havent posted a short entry in a while. i think cuz usually when i post, i have an issue in mind, and so when i do post i can rant on and on about it. but then again when i dont post, i hold it all back, so not even some of it leaks out.
Well. i cant wait for tomorrow, especially the BBQ! it would be good to finally have some other human contact apart from family. Hey, i love my family okay! but i need to be outdoors. need to streth and move, and get things jogging in my mind. if not i really think i am sitting at home rotting.
MSN is not my style, so i dont wanna chat or have long elaborate conversations. i realise that most of my words and feelings come out in sound effects. that is why i do not have a way with words, its every other thing that communicates the message. facial expression, body language, tone, sound effects, etc.
Therefore i know that i am not the only one that is anticipating tomorrows arrival! Sigh, but i think some people dont see what i see in the "elder SC". i mean, thats why i want to get so close to them right? they are different. they aren't competition, they are people that i either look up to or dont, i dont always have to work with them. not last year at least. this year its a slightly different ball game. but its good. i think hte more symbolic day will be sat. the SC room handover. now that would be a spectacle!
Im generally happy. if not for the rotting, i think i just need to get a hobby, or at least things to keep me occupied. i havent drawn in a long time. maybe i could pick up my pencil and start sketching again. i think i still have my current sketch book somewhere...
there are things where people just hold back. its for the better of everyone. as much as i would like to say to myself: "it really will be good for you to get it off your chest. its okay, the truth would not change anything" but i somehow cant bring myself to acknowlege that. its tough. and im happy with my current position. maybe someday? im sure i can wait :)
Mish Mash Mosh
Splish Splash Splosh
mixing and matching and squeezing it up
Squishy squish-squash
BLEH
Well. i cant wait for tomorrow, especially the BBQ! it would be good to finally have some other human contact apart from family. Hey, i love my family okay! but i need to be outdoors. need to streth and move, and get things jogging in my mind. if not i really think i am sitting at home rotting.
MSN is not my style, so i dont wanna chat or have long elaborate conversations. i realise that most of my words and feelings come out in sound effects. that is why i do not have a way with words, its every other thing that communicates the message. facial expression, body language, tone, sound effects, etc.
Therefore i know that i am not the only one that is anticipating tomorrows arrival! Sigh, but i think some people dont see what i see in the "elder SC". i mean, thats why i want to get so close to them right? they are different. they aren't competition, they are people that i either look up to or dont, i dont always have to work with them. not last year at least. this year its a slightly different ball game. but its good. i think hte more symbolic day will be sat. the SC room handover. now that would be a spectacle!
Im generally happy. if not for the rotting, i think i just need to get a hobby, or at least things to keep me occupied. i havent drawn in a long time. maybe i could pick up my pencil and start sketching again. i think i still have my current sketch book somewhere...
there are things where people just hold back. its for the better of everyone. as much as i would like to say to myself: "it really will be good for you to get it off your chest. its okay, the truth would not change anything" but i somehow cant bring myself to acknowlege that. its tough. and im happy with my current position. maybe someday? im sure i can wait :)
Mish Mash Mosh
Splish Splash Splosh
mixing and matching and squeezing it up
Squishy squish-squash
BLEH
Sitting in a corner. Wondering...
it has always been the case for me to be outgoing, to be everywhere, and try to do everything. but this year's "change for the better" has left me thinking about how i really am like. Perhaps its also the constraints of my home, or now that i got my birthmark removed, i cant be as mobile as i would prefer, but i guess i feel kinda lonely on many occasions.
the past few days i feel like i have reall wasted them, cuz i am not doing work, nor am i doing anything to better myself. and i am not a avid MSN user, so even if i do see people online, i tend to not bother chatting, unless they start a convo with me first.
Thanks kaya cake, cuz although i am supposed to releive YOUR boredom, you end up releiving MINE instead :)
so i guess i rather have my close knit group of friends than all the friends in the world, but i still must admit, meeting many people is fun! still i cant really call syak and jane out of the blue. maybe i can, but i dont feel like it, cuz people like the DODOs get extinct early cuz we have to many activities, i just have a feeling that they arent as free as i am. like jane said: "if i didn't know you, i'd think you were deprived. but since i do know you, you are just BORED." oh well.
I take this time to wonder what i want to do with my life. people with a clear aim in mind, would go off and do what they want to in this holiday. i happen to know a certain someone is at pre-u sem, and i think that that is really fun, or some are going for their misc camps, MEP camp, Training camps, etc. if i said i want to be a Radio DJ in the future, what am i doing about it?
well, i cant wait for tomorrow. tomorrow morning is TASC meeting, followed by perhaps an afternoon outing? and in the evening! BBQ dinner with the 30th SC. I think i am growing really fond of the 30th SC, cuz they are filled with nice people. but that makes me worry as well. nice people are not strong in their words. perhaps it would avoid a lot of unneccesary conflict, but at the same time, it avoid necessary conflict. if people hold back what they are trying to say, it is to the the loss of everyone, not just yourself.
I feel like a real hypocrite now. i hold back what i want to say all the time. observe and see how i reserve myself. I need to learn from what mom says. "if you want people to take you seriously, first you need to talk a little less and listen a little more". that is something i definitely am working on. and not just to talk less, but like the teachers TLLM (teach less, learn more) i want to TLBTS (Talk Less, but Talk Smart!)
But now i am back to wondering what am i going to do for the whole day? will i waste it away like the previous days? or will i make something productive out of it?. perhaps i will start on my work (bio report due either last friday, or yesterday) or i remove my ass from the corner, and reach out to people.
---
the past few days i feel like i have reall wasted them, cuz i am not doing work, nor am i doing anything to better myself. and i am not a avid MSN user, so even if i do see people online, i tend to not bother chatting, unless they start a convo with me first.
Thanks kaya cake, cuz although i am supposed to releive YOUR boredom, you end up releiving MINE instead :)
so i guess i rather have my close knit group of friends than all the friends in the world, but i still must admit, meeting many people is fun! still i cant really call syak and jane out of the blue. maybe i can, but i dont feel like it, cuz people like the DODOs get extinct early cuz we have to many activities, i just have a feeling that they arent as free as i am. like jane said: "if i didn't know you, i'd think you were deprived. but since i do know you, you are just BORED." oh well.
I take this time to wonder what i want to do with my life. people with a clear aim in mind, would go off and do what they want to in this holiday. i happen to know a certain someone is at pre-u sem, and i think that that is really fun, or some are going for their misc camps, MEP camp, Training camps, etc. if i said i want to be a Radio DJ in the future, what am i doing about it?
well, i cant wait for tomorrow. tomorrow morning is TASC meeting, followed by perhaps an afternoon outing? and in the evening! BBQ dinner with the 30th SC. I think i am growing really fond of the 30th SC, cuz they are filled with nice people. but that makes me worry as well. nice people are not strong in their words. perhaps it would avoid a lot of unneccesary conflict, but at the same time, it avoid necessary conflict. if people hold back what they are trying to say, it is to the the loss of everyone, not just yourself.
I feel like a real hypocrite now. i hold back what i want to say all the time. observe and see how i reserve myself. I need to learn from what mom says. "if you want people to take you seriously, first you need to talk a little less and listen a little more". that is something i definitely am working on. and not just to talk less, but like the teachers TLLM (teach less, learn more) i want to TLBTS (Talk Less, but Talk Smart!)
But now i am back to wondering what am i going to do for the whole day? will i waste it away like the previous days? or will i make something productive out of it?. perhaps i will start on my work (bio report due either last friday, or yesterday) or i remove my ass from the corner, and reach out to people.
---
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