Elephant Song Medley
Ewan: All you need is love.
Nicole: A girl has got to eat.
Ewan: All you need is love.
Nicole: She'll end up on the streets.
Ewan: All you need is love.
Nicole: Love is just a game.
Ewan: I was made for loving you baby
and you were made for loving me.
Nicole: The only way of loving me baby is to pay a lovely fee.
Ewan: Just one night, just one night.
Nicole: There's no way, cause you cant pay.
Ewan: In the name of love, one night in the name of love.
Nicole: You crazy fool, i wont give into you.
Ewan: Dont leave me this way.
I cant survive without your sweet love, oh baby,
dont leave me this way.
Nicole: You'd think that people would of had enough of silly love songs.
Ewan: I look around and i see it isnt so, oh no.
Nicole: Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs.
Ewan: Well whats wrong with that, i'd like to know. Cause here i go again.
Ewan: Love lift us up where we belong. Where eagles fly on a mountain high.
Nicole: Love makes us act like we are fools, throw our lifes away, for one happy
day.
Ewan: We could be heroes... just for one day.
Nicole: You, you will be mean.
Ewan: No i wont.
Nicole: And i, i'll drink all the time.
Ewan: We should be lovers.
Nicole: We cant do that.
Ewan: We should be lovers, and thats a fact.
Nicole: No nothing would keep us together.
Ewan: We could steal time just for one day.
Together: We could be heroes forever and ever.
We could be heroes forever and ever.
We can be heroes...
Ewan: Just because I will always love..
Nicole: I...
Together: Can't help lovin' you.
Nicole: How wonderful life is..
Together: now your in the world.
that is the elephant song medley that was in Moulin Rouge, one of my all time favourite movies. there is just something about duets that are so fascinating, interesting, and touching. when 2 people can harmonise and compliment each other through voice, the feeling invoked is amazing.
Singing can help to get feelings out, sometimes when you feel a certain way, i love how there are songs that seem to totally encompass how you feel. sometimes through the lyrics of the song, we find deeper understanding of how we are feeling, or find the words to say how we feel.
I am looking for a duet partner. that was quite... crude, but at this time who doesnt have the rush of hormones and the craving for a confidant? sometimes relationships can be really one sided. when people pour their troubles towards you, the listener would (being a considerate friend) listen wholsomely, and not make any comments until they are done. I admit that i do and face the same thing. there are people that i confide in, but they dont usually share much about them in return, which sometimes can be quite frustrating. or instead i listen and listen, but do not share back how i feel, or my problems. So its looking for that person that you can share with, yet you can listen to their problems. that is how good friends and even relationships are formed.
I feel like i have much bottled in me, and that i cant find a suitable person for me to share with. I aint attatched (but i think that is what im bottling up anyway) and for friends that i am close to, we are all quite busy with one thing or another, so to pick up the conversation is even more difficult. maybe i could do like i previously did, and blurt to anyone i know roughly, then i would get it out, and they would learn more about me. but that is no longer what i am like, i want to keep more things to myself, and think about it more, instead of shooting my mouth off.
Such is life isnt it? when you dont want something it would naturally gravitate towards you, but the moment you want it, it naturally repels. its not so easy to throw away all your want and thoughts and just be natural. that is the idea of friends being lovers right? just when you find out you like your friend, you become less firendly, and are more conscious of your actions, and words.
Back to dreaming of my duet. i just thought of the perfect setting, 2 people in love, performing for an audience, a duet that encompasses their feelings for each other. the duet which can be called /"Our Song"/
sigh >.< hopeless...
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Attention and Attraction
Some have said that i am not aware of my environment, or that i am ignorant of my "space" and it can lead to be quiteselfish, when i ignore those around me and their problems. yes i can be more carefree when the weight of the world is not bogged down on my shoulders, but then i realise that i wont have many around me that know me well, or any that i will know well either.
Truthfully, i dont think that i am very ignorant of my surrounding, but i think like most normal people, i can shut things out and ignore specific things or incidents. i sometimes even beleive that i am too sensitive even i f dont openly show it. thrown me and insult that has substance, and no matter how minorit may be, it would definitely affect me. However, after a while i learnt to seive through comments and leave out the emotionally charged bull, that actually dont make any sense at all, but what is left i can pick up on, if it is really a true things that i know i need to change, i would bear that in mind. Still, there is the shred of truth that i can unconciously ignore certain things that stare me in the face, and that can lead to frustration in certain people.
Anyway, i also have been noticing my surrounding more closely this year, and this could be some delusion of mine (or rumours that i have heard), but i may be getting more attenttion in respect with last year. It does seem a little odd, as i did feel that this year i have not been as overly friendly or hyper as last year, nor have i had teh time to go and try to know everyone in the school. perhaps its something to do with the TA year 1s. I still remember TA Orientation 06, and getting to know all the year 1s. at that time there wasnt many i knew, and i think it was only those that stood out more that i interacted with. I think i remembered 1B the most, as it was the break where they were still in the Lt, and i happened to have a breather from the rushing preperations for O nite. The accents i pulled off, and flirting with TA nicholas, as well as the gay pic with lester, one of the people that i noticed for O was clare, i mean how hard is it to notice her? haha. then of course there were others from the other classes, ximin, xiu qing, siddarth, sean, sophia, rachna etc. they just stood out, noticing them definitely was not hard.
School term started and everyone, including myself, got really caught up in work. the long days and the stressful workload, not much time for anything else. anc i kinda guess that i didnt realise how much i was getting to know the TA 1s. So i think i know a lot of people, yet it doesnt occur to me that many people know me. i still remember xiu qing metioning to me during her audition for drama.
Xiu qing: did you know that a lot of TA girls [know]* you?
J Heng: rite... i dont need to know this...
Shouvik: OMG!!! so cute! jonathan (in shouviks weird cutesy accent)
Xiu Qing: you know during that TASC talk? why do you think there was so much chatter, even giggles when you and kumarans name was said?
J Heng: oh, i thought i did something embarassing...
Xiu Qing: No. (goes on with her evil grin)
Flattered, quite a bit, embarassed, a whole lot. yet after a few days i guess i sort of dismissed it. it was not like i saw the TA juniors that often, so it did not really affect me or make me notice things that much either.
Image-conscious is what i have become more of over the year(s) in TA. friends have said that i dont look that bad, and all i gotta do is lose some weight, and it will help my image, confidence, and presentation in front of people. that is why i am spurred to go gym and find as many opportunities as possible play basketball and get myself involved in actvities that require me to move my body. Cheerleading, Road Run and other things, i feel the change in my body, and i do see a slight change in physical form. and i enjoy it too! maybe not the running portion, but i feel accomplished when i exert myself. maybe that is what isaac means. if you dont feel the push you dont feel the accomplishment. the strain and the fatigue felt are just testimony to your accomplishment.
I dont know about the looking better part, as that is not for me but rather for others to judge, but in the feeling better department, i definitely feel more confident and more gung ho to try things. a matter of empowerment. when i can play a good game of bball or can lift a flyer with ease, or getting 35 mins for a 5 km run, the accomplishment felt just pushes me to go on.
sigh.. i dont think i like holidays much now. holidays have to be packed with activities, if not i would feel like a pig/sloth/slug at home stoning in front of the TV and pigging out on junk food. after the march holidays i do feel fatter, which i am determined to work off when im back in school!
All in all, i really feel like more eyes are on me. like somehow people are watcing me. it is a little creepy at times, and can be exasperating when i dont know what they are talking about me. Insecure maybe, but then again i know that its not gonna affect me much if i know or not, its just interesting to know. I guess i have always been a sort of attention craver, but it can be weird when you get attention that you did not purposely attract. Oh well... i will just live with whatever it is. so long as my life is not severly affected by rumours, i think things will be fiiinneee!
i realised i havent hade real homemade lemonade before... maybe i can try to make some?
*ok so it wasnt actually /"know"/ but i think you can fill in the blanks >.<
Truthfully, i dont think that i am very ignorant of my surrounding, but i think like most normal people, i can shut things out and ignore specific things or incidents. i sometimes even beleive that i am too sensitive even i f dont openly show it. thrown me and insult that has substance, and no matter how minorit may be, it would definitely affect me. However, after a while i learnt to seive through comments and leave out the emotionally charged bull, that actually dont make any sense at all, but what is left i can pick up on, if it is really a true things that i know i need to change, i would bear that in mind. Still, there is the shred of truth that i can unconciously ignore certain things that stare me in the face, and that can lead to frustration in certain people.
Anyway, i also have been noticing my surrounding more closely this year, and this could be some delusion of mine (or rumours that i have heard), but i may be getting more attenttion in respect with last year. It does seem a little odd, as i did feel that this year i have not been as overly friendly or hyper as last year, nor have i had teh time to go and try to know everyone in the school. perhaps its something to do with the TA year 1s. I still remember TA Orientation 06, and getting to know all the year 1s. at that time there wasnt many i knew, and i think it was only those that stood out more that i interacted with. I think i remembered 1B the most, as it was the break where they were still in the Lt, and i happened to have a breather from the rushing preperations for O nite. The accents i pulled off, and flirting with TA nicholas, as well as the gay pic with lester, one of the people that i noticed for O was clare, i mean how hard is it to notice her? haha. then of course there were others from the other classes, ximin, xiu qing, siddarth, sean, sophia, rachna etc. they just stood out, noticing them definitely was not hard.
School term started and everyone, including myself, got really caught up in work. the long days and the stressful workload, not much time for anything else. anc i kinda guess that i didnt realise how much i was getting to know the TA 1s. So i think i know a lot of people, yet it doesnt occur to me that many people know me. i still remember xiu qing metioning to me during her audition for drama.
Xiu qing: did you know that a lot of TA girls [know]* you?
J Heng: rite... i dont need to know this...
Shouvik: OMG!!! so cute! jonathan (in shouviks weird cutesy accent)
Xiu Qing: you know during that TASC talk? why do you think there was so much chatter, even giggles when you and kumarans name was said?
J Heng: oh, i thought i did something embarassing...
Xiu Qing: No. (goes on with her evil grin)
Flattered, quite a bit, embarassed, a whole lot. yet after a few days i guess i sort of dismissed it. it was not like i saw the TA juniors that often, so it did not really affect me or make me notice things that much either.
Image-conscious is what i have become more of over the year(s) in TA. friends have said that i dont look that bad, and all i gotta do is lose some weight, and it will help my image, confidence, and presentation in front of people. that is why i am spurred to go gym and find as many opportunities as possible play basketball and get myself involved in actvities that require me to move my body. Cheerleading, Road Run and other things, i feel the change in my body, and i do see a slight change in physical form. and i enjoy it too! maybe not the running portion, but i feel accomplished when i exert myself. maybe that is what isaac means. if you dont feel the push you dont feel the accomplishment. the strain and the fatigue felt are just testimony to your accomplishment.
I dont know about the looking better part, as that is not for me but rather for others to judge, but in the feeling better department, i definitely feel more confident and more gung ho to try things. a matter of empowerment. when i can play a good game of bball or can lift a flyer with ease, or getting 35 mins for a 5 km run, the accomplishment felt just pushes me to go on.
sigh.. i dont think i like holidays much now. holidays have to be packed with activities, if not i would feel like a pig/sloth/slug at home stoning in front of the TV and pigging out on junk food. after the march holidays i do feel fatter, which i am determined to work off when im back in school!
All in all, i really feel like more eyes are on me. like somehow people are watcing me. it is a little creepy at times, and can be exasperating when i dont know what they are talking about me. Insecure maybe, but then again i know that its not gonna affect me much if i know or not, its just interesting to know. I guess i have always been a sort of attention craver, but it can be weird when you get attention that you did not purposely attract. Oh well... i will just live with whatever it is. so long as my life is not severly affected by rumours, i think things will be fiiinneee!
i realised i havent hade real homemade lemonade before... maybe i can try to make some?
*ok so it wasnt actually /"know"/ but i think you can fill in the blanks >.<
Monday, March 13, 2006
term 1 forcing growth
so a term has passed, and now is the commencing of the holidays. or what is noted on the calender as holidays, but more like time to catch up, and for teachers to pile wok on us students, and for basically anyone who has freaked out or cried to come to their senses and take a sabbatical of sorts (yeah rite).
juniors are fascinating creatures. technically i have not had any real juniors for the past 3? years of my life. sec 1 no juniors, and sec 2 there was no new GEP intake in VS, and then to restart my school life by becoming the first batch of TA students here in TJC. then came this year, where the whole flux of fresh IP students came out from their secondary schools, to get severly scarred and horrified when a part of the big thing called /" LIFE/" swoops down and smacks them right in the face.
then that is where the TA 2s step in, and have experience beaming from them in every direction. to be a guiding light for each student, and to be like some kind of elder sibling to all.
along with that i think this first term has been extremely fascinating... the scandal meter has increased by god knows how many fold, but it just has been entertaining watching as these things unfold (and secretly being glad that you are not caught in the confusion and mess). so as usual, it is the spectators having the most fun (you perverse little sadists).
it was the all about the elective weeks. everything from the free and too-much-time-to-spare students, and the events that TASC came up with, it just brought the TAs together at the same time sprouting opportunity for conflict, crushes, and every form of /"coming together/".
so that way my life became better too. instead of droning in class everyday, dealing with the same people and the same work and the overwhelming urge to run out of class screaming like a bloody idiot. now there is opportunity to catch up on my social life, and find other ways of putting that hyperness to good use. i especially enjoy all the days that i get to play basketball. i could be deluding myself, but i think im getting better at basketball, and hopefully toning the right muscles too!
along with the things that i do on my own, i have to say that Movie Mania '06 was good, if not to say a great success! the night was good, and it was not so much the movies (even though i have to say that Shutter and the Longest yard was good) but it was also the company, and the various ongoings that night. i swear i have never knew how much could result from one night of TA 1 and 2 interaction. i shall not go into detail in fear of being flamed as i walk around school, but that night was just a whole chunk of fun. the people, the response, the retarded guys that cannot stop screaming during shutter, and sitting in the LT watching scandals unfold (you know who you are =D) . the food was good too, we managed to sell most of our wares, and provided enough drinks and tidbits so that ppl could constantly get their stomach's satisfied. along with hanging out with the people that found movies boring ,and decided to crap and talk rubbish downstairs with others. it concluded simply, with people leaving even before the last movie was screened, but the overall response would be to have another one.
then the second event was the inter class captains ball. even though it did not have the best planning, i think judging by the audience, they quite enjoyed it. and the competition was taken slightly further, in terms of violence, than expected. still it was a joy referreing and seeing how each team fared. there were not any extremely loud cheers, but you could tell from the shouts of encouragement, that even the supporters were having a good time as well.
i shant go all inspirational and give some pep talk saying /"oh! how wonderful the TASC is! with its amazing and fun activities!/" that might be taking it a bit too far. however, let the response stand for itself, and im sure that the cheering speaks louder than words!
i think the SC has had time to mature. we now handle our tasks better, so we can afford to make it more glam and up the standards of our activities. it is no longer trying to grasp the reins, but more like settling and now challenging ourselves to make everything better than we think we have made it. that is why im quite hyped up about Black Lights, the TA function. Movie Mania has been our benchmark, and i guess it upped our confidence by quite a fair bit.
i see myself growing. amazing how all the things that have happened makes me realise how much i am actually accomplishing. it is a bit accelerated, but i dont really feel it until the tangible results. so things definitely have picked up, and i look forward to the term to come. till next post i guess *smilez!
juniors are fascinating creatures. technically i have not had any real juniors for the past 3? years of my life. sec 1 no juniors, and sec 2 there was no new GEP intake in VS, and then to restart my school life by becoming the first batch of TA students here in TJC. then came this year, where the whole flux of fresh IP students came out from their secondary schools, to get severly scarred and horrified when a part of the big thing called /" LIFE/" swoops down and smacks them right in the face.
then that is where the TA 2s step in, and have experience beaming from them in every direction. to be a guiding light for each student, and to be like some kind of elder sibling to all.
along with that i think this first term has been extremely fascinating... the scandal meter has increased by god knows how many fold, but it just has been entertaining watching as these things unfold (and secretly being glad that you are not caught in the confusion and mess). so as usual, it is the spectators having the most fun (you perverse little sadists).
it was the all about the elective weeks. everything from the free and too-much-time-to-spare students, and the events that TASC came up with, it just brought the TAs together at the same time sprouting opportunity for conflict, crushes, and every form of /"coming together/".
so that way my life became better too. instead of droning in class everyday, dealing with the same people and the same work and the overwhelming urge to run out of class screaming like a bloody idiot. now there is opportunity to catch up on my social life, and find other ways of putting that hyperness to good use. i especially enjoy all the days that i get to play basketball. i could be deluding myself, but i think im getting better at basketball, and hopefully toning the right muscles too!
along with the things that i do on my own, i have to say that Movie Mania '06 was good, if not to say a great success! the night was good, and it was not so much the movies (even though i have to say that Shutter and the Longest yard was good) but it was also the company, and the various ongoings that night. i swear i have never knew how much could result from one night of TA 1 and 2 interaction. i shall not go into detail in fear of being flamed as i walk around school, but that night was just a whole chunk of fun. the people, the response, the retarded guys that cannot stop screaming during shutter, and sitting in the LT watching scandals unfold (you know who you are =D) . the food was good too, we managed to sell most of our wares, and provided enough drinks and tidbits so that ppl could constantly get their stomach's satisfied. along with hanging out with the people that found movies boring ,and decided to crap and talk rubbish downstairs with others. it concluded simply, with people leaving even before the last movie was screened, but the overall response would be to have another one.
then the second event was the inter class captains ball. even though it did not have the best planning, i think judging by the audience, they quite enjoyed it. and the competition was taken slightly further, in terms of violence, than expected. still it was a joy referreing and seeing how each team fared. there were not any extremely loud cheers, but you could tell from the shouts of encouragement, that even the supporters were having a good time as well.
i shant go all inspirational and give some pep talk saying /"oh! how wonderful the TASC is! with its amazing and fun activities!/" that might be taking it a bit too far. however, let the response stand for itself, and im sure that the cheering speaks louder than words!
i think the SC has had time to mature. we now handle our tasks better, so we can afford to make it more glam and up the standards of our activities. it is no longer trying to grasp the reins, but more like settling and now challenging ourselves to make everything better than we think we have made it. that is why im quite hyped up about Black Lights, the TA function. Movie Mania has been our benchmark, and i guess it upped our confidence by quite a fair bit.
i see myself growing. amazing how all the things that have happened makes me realise how much i am actually accomplishing. it is a bit accelerated, but i dont really feel it until the tangible results. so things definitely have picked up, and i look forward to the term to come. till next post i guess *smilez!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
things have changed?
sometimes i wonder what do i want in my life right now. not in the sense of material things like i want an ipod or a mac, but rather, what do i want and need to fulfil myself at this point in my life? sounds a bit selfish as i have more than anyone could ask for. i m=do not have the best grades, but i have a great supportive and encouraging family, yet i dont show them the care and concern they require. i have a great group of friends, but i am not sure if i am giving them enough of my time and support as a friend. i have a reasonably hard working council, but then again, am i as a leader pushing them to their fullest potential? of couse what would a teenager like me be without raging hormones wanting a sense of comfort and solace in another that wears nice skirts? :)
valentines day came and went, but it was definitely eventful. my previous post did not exactly denote a sense of happiness with my class, but i garuntee that things are slowly changing. and with my old class i am finding more time to spend with them and not try to lament and relive last year, but create new and meaningful memories for this year too. valentines day and practically the entire friendship week, i spent quite a bit of money, but also enjoyed the fruits of others joy that week. i spent on flowers for many of the IPs and JCs, and me and varun (aka BIG and small) spent on kinder bueno to give the oneee/'ohfive batch, while i added on a card i made for each of them which i worked into the night preparing. i was nicely surprised by a certain star-yi who left me with a message that /" its a good year for romance for the horse, we might find someone to spend our next valentines day with."/
i guess i have more time now and perhaps less stress. the elective weeks are here, and even though my elective is quite tiresome and long, i think i am gonna have quite a lot of fun. we are supposed to create and learn about organic chemistry, apart from aspirin, i will be learning how to make soap, and even smells/fragrances for it. i being a very hands on person am sure i will enjoy it. another thing to look forward to this week is movie mania, i wont say that i am all for the planning, but the response is very good, and i think lester did a great job for publicity, and i still cannot the fact out of my head on how great and attntive the audience reactio was to the entire advert. this isnt any bootlicking, but i think most of the turnout is credited to him then anyone else.
well now i just dont want to screw things up. movie mania being one of them, but also with things between my friends, and /"friend"/. i have a tendency to worry too much about certain things. almost, no, exactly like a girl. reading too much into things, and sometimes stressing on unimportant seemingly trivial things. maybe i am starting to pick up on my father/'s perfectionist attitude. my mom and his old friends say that my father was not any easy man to work with for the fact that he was quite touchy on certain things, and could be quite the perfectionist. there is nothing wrong with wanting all things of something to go off well, but perfectionists tend to take it a tad too far. well im working on it, but there are certain things that as long as they are not settled, would irk me, or bother me, and i would feel quite uncomfortable with. to me i do see the big picture, but my picture can be quite detailed, and i would then want to make this picture as complete as possible, even though sometimes at the cost of hurting others. so, yeah, that would make me quite the hypocrite, on how i do tell people to relax and take a step back, when i myself can be just as irritating as them.
as for screwing up the other thing ( gosh that sounds so wrong!), i think i am starting to already. one thing that i have a problem with relationships that i am either too fast or too slow. they say that there is a time and place for everything, well, i happen to always pick both the wrong time and place. some of this is credited to a certain sense of insecurity, i dont exactly have abs of steel, or a flawless complexion complementing the charming face that i would so love to have. so i do make certain wrong moves, and i do happen to ignore things that stare me blatently in the face, but then again, as long as i keep trying i would keep learning right? if not, i can beleive in a certain sense of destiny, and that when i find that person, it will all fit in, and i will know that its right.
its great being eclectic. music that can suit my every mood, instead of just one singer/genre/artist that makes me unbalanced in emotion. i recently got a jazz CD that i think is really good. in fact as i post this i play that CD on my player, and i just am put in the mood to talk about my life. i actually told myself to post something a few times this month, but it just never worked out. i would reant for a while, then somehow not finish my post, and then the portion would be forgotten, and i would feel better, even if no one knows it.
i am hyper in a certain sense, and i have found ways of letting off steam, and outlets of problems other than this blog now, and guess thats why im not updating that often anymore. the blog is not meant for many people to look into my life anywae, i just blog when i feel like it. anywae, outlets i have found are things like basketball, gym, and basically anything where i can push my self slightly more than usual. and another thing is laughter. i really want to thank Hui Min for singing that ultimately crappy and silly song today. i couldnt help but fall on the floor and really roll in laughter, i think i lay there for a good 2-3 mins laughing and laughing, and no the song was not that funny, nor was her singing that bad (okay so maybe it was), but i just had all that bent up energy and stored stress, that i just pushed it all out at one go, and it left me with a light headed feeling, but a good feeling that things were looking up and changing for the better.
i have much to be grateful for. the 3 DODOs are back and it was not so much of us splitting, but we needed a break to settle into our new classes and surrounding. it doesnt feel that different anymore, like on saturday me and syak went to support jane and other dancers and DanceWorks /'06, following which i had a good time bowling, arcade-ing and watching a movie with janes family (even though jane wasnt there). then today, the dodos and ziye went to watch /"i not stupid too"/ where 2 of the 3 girls cried. jane watched it before so this time she knew what was gonna happen and was less moved, but on my right was the ever so emotional syak, and at the point where the chracter said /" i tried to save $500, to buy 1 hour of your time"/ syak was like a water fall, sniffling and fighting to hold the tears back. Haha, syak, theres not hing wrong with showing emotion, if fact i think its perfectly normal! haha, lets just keep it as its interesting watching you cry (for the rest of the movie too -_-'').
Yup, this year is changing. not better or worse, but just changing. i think somewhere in my BIG 5 assesment says i react well to change, and even though it took some time, i guess i am adapting fairly well. so all i need to do is let loose a little more, and like always things would turn out okay :) well, till the next update (when i feel like it!) and cheerleading is coming up! =P
valentines day came and went, but it was definitely eventful. my previous post did not exactly denote a sense of happiness with my class, but i garuntee that things are slowly changing. and with my old class i am finding more time to spend with them and not try to lament and relive last year, but create new and meaningful memories for this year too. valentines day and practically the entire friendship week, i spent quite a bit of money, but also enjoyed the fruits of others joy that week. i spent on flowers for many of the IPs and JCs, and me and varun (aka BIG and small) spent on kinder bueno to give the oneee/'ohfive batch, while i added on a card i made for each of them which i worked into the night preparing. i was nicely surprised by a certain star-yi who left me with a message that /" its a good year for romance for the horse, we might find someone to spend our next valentines day with."/
i guess i have more time now and perhaps less stress. the elective weeks are here, and even though my elective is quite tiresome and long, i think i am gonna have quite a lot of fun. we are supposed to create and learn about organic chemistry, apart from aspirin, i will be learning how to make soap, and even smells/fragrances for it. i being a very hands on person am sure i will enjoy it. another thing to look forward to this week is movie mania, i wont say that i am all for the planning, but the response is very good, and i think lester did a great job for publicity, and i still cannot the fact out of my head on how great and attntive the audience reactio was to the entire advert. this isnt any bootlicking, but i think most of the turnout is credited to him then anyone else.
well now i just dont want to screw things up. movie mania being one of them, but also with things between my friends, and /"friend"/. i have a tendency to worry too much about certain things. almost, no, exactly like a girl. reading too much into things, and sometimes stressing on unimportant seemingly trivial things. maybe i am starting to pick up on my father/'s perfectionist attitude. my mom and his old friends say that my father was not any easy man to work with for the fact that he was quite touchy on certain things, and could be quite the perfectionist. there is nothing wrong with wanting all things of something to go off well, but perfectionists tend to take it a tad too far. well im working on it, but there are certain things that as long as they are not settled, would irk me, or bother me, and i would feel quite uncomfortable with. to me i do see the big picture, but my picture can be quite detailed, and i would then want to make this picture as complete as possible, even though sometimes at the cost of hurting others. so, yeah, that would make me quite the hypocrite, on how i do tell people to relax and take a step back, when i myself can be just as irritating as them.
as for screwing up the other thing ( gosh that sounds so wrong!), i think i am starting to already. one thing that i have a problem with relationships that i am either too fast or too slow. they say that there is a time and place for everything, well, i happen to always pick both the wrong time and place. some of this is credited to a certain sense of insecurity, i dont exactly have abs of steel, or a flawless complexion complementing the charming face that i would so love to have. so i do make certain wrong moves, and i do happen to ignore things that stare me blatently in the face, but then again, as long as i keep trying i would keep learning right? if not, i can beleive in a certain sense of destiny, and that when i find that person, it will all fit in, and i will know that its right.
its great being eclectic. music that can suit my every mood, instead of just one singer/genre/artist that makes me unbalanced in emotion. i recently got a jazz CD that i think is really good. in fact as i post this i play that CD on my player, and i just am put in the mood to talk about my life. i actually told myself to post something a few times this month, but it just never worked out. i would reant for a while, then somehow not finish my post, and then the portion would be forgotten, and i would feel better, even if no one knows it.
i am hyper in a certain sense, and i have found ways of letting off steam, and outlets of problems other than this blog now, and guess thats why im not updating that often anymore. the blog is not meant for many people to look into my life anywae, i just blog when i feel like it. anywae, outlets i have found are things like basketball, gym, and basically anything where i can push my self slightly more than usual. and another thing is laughter. i really want to thank Hui Min for singing that ultimately crappy and silly song today. i couldnt help but fall on the floor and really roll in laughter, i think i lay there for a good 2-3 mins laughing and laughing, and no the song was not that funny, nor was her singing that bad (okay so maybe it was), but i just had all that bent up energy and stored stress, that i just pushed it all out at one go, and it left me with a light headed feeling, but a good feeling that things were looking up and changing for the better.
i have much to be grateful for. the 3 DODOs are back and it was not so much of us splitting, but we needed a break to settle into our new classes and surrounding. it doesnt feel that different anymore, like on saturday me and syak went to support jane and other dancers and DanceWorks /'06, following which i had a good time bowling, arcade-ing and watching a movie with janes family (even though jane wasnt there). then today, the dodos and ziye went to watch /"i not stupid too"/ where 2 of the 3 girls cried. jane watched it before so this time she knew what was gonna happen and was less moved, but on my right was the ever so emotional syak, and at the point where the chracter said /" i tried to save $500, to buy 1 hour of your time"/ syak was like a water fall, sniffling and fighting to hold the tears back. Haha, syak, theres not hing wrong with showing emotion, if fact i think its perfectly normal! haha, lets just keep it as its interesting watching you cry (for the rest of the movie too -_-'').
Yup, this year is changing. not better or worse, but just changing. i think somewhere in my BIG 5 assesment says i react well to change, and even though it took some time, i guess i am adapting fairly well. so all i need to do is let loose a little more, and like always things would turn out okay :) well, till the next update (when i feel like it!) and cheerleading is coming up! =P
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
the new year
i kind of did not have the urge to blog over the holidays. i cannot say that my holidays was uneventful, after going for my first exchange trip and having so much ups and downs in orientation, but i simply did not have that weight of my mind that i needed to unload. so now with the new school year, i go back to having a lot of things on my mind, and very little tangible things to do.
once again when you have a lot of free time, your mind would wander and think about all the good and bad things in life. perhaps my mind like to focus on the bad things, and just goes to show how insecure i am.
I dread the class change, i really am not comfortable with my new class. they are nice people and they are entertaining, but i just dont clique with them. maybe it is a kind of /"1E withdrawal"/ syndrome, or it could just be the long timetable that has caused me to think that way.
the long timetable in school is really killing me. my body has the energy, ad i can wake up like any other morning over the past year, and have the energy to almost anything, but by the end of the day, i am completely worn out no matter what time the day ends. my earliest day is 3.15 on monday, and also on wednesday, but the other days are 5.15 and 4.15. worst still is the one hour periods, where sometimes i cannot last till the end of the session. i realise that most of the time, i am in a sort of lethargic stupor, and i find myself singing britney spears, or some other chic song that is nothing but noise in class.
my class is supposed to be considered top notch, with a subject combination of 3 sci and hist, its supposedly one of the better or more /"mugger"/ combinations where the students have to like it and work hard, for history and the sciences. maybe that is daunting me a littlem and to compensate for not being that great in academics i use the class clown or class jukebox to fill in.
I miss 1E. i know i have said it a gazillion times, but i just dont feel natural without 1E around.
i am not going on a nostalgia trip and say how great oneee/'ohfive was, but i feel like the friends i made there are slipping too, and that is one of my worries. I said before that i thought i was quite frivolous in the past where i have a really close friend for a while than i lose touch and when we meet again we are not as close. in fact KL KX and sean leon, all i just have contact and chat every now and then, but if not we are doing our own thing.
something syak told me over the hols, she said that in sec school and certainly not in primary school, we wouldnt do that much for our friends, and even though we may be close in school, once we go other ways we are not that close. yet now in TJ/TA we can feel that we have closer friends and do more things together, like all the oneeeyohfive things we did, and even now going out for lunch together. this more than ever makes me want to stay close to the 1E bunch this year, and sometimes i think i overdo it, and it just comes off the wrong way.
this year has not been working out for me so far. other people tell me to wait a while and hopefully i will adjust, but now i just feel terrible, and i dont know how much more i can take.
side note: dont redo the same mistakes of yester year
I think i need something to fill me at the moment. anything, be it SC or some activity, i need something to get my mind of things, and give me some focus no matter how short term. i cant wait for cheerleading to start, or the get back my personality profile, but whatever the case i need something in my life to change, i need it.
once again when you have a lot of free time, your mind would wander and think about all the good and bad things in life. perhaps my mind like to focus on the bad things, and just goes to show how insecure i am.
I dread the class change, i really am not comfortable with my new class. they are nice people and they are entertaining, but i just dont clique with them. maybe it is a kind of /"1E withdrawal"/ syndrome, or it could just be the long timetable that has caused me to think that way.
the long timetable in school is really killing me. my body has the energy, ad i can wake up like any other morning over the past year, and have the energy to almost anything, but by the end of the day, i am completely worn out no matter what time the day ends. my earliest day is 3.15 on monday, and also on wednesday, but the other days are 5.15 and 4.15. worst still is the one hour periods, where sometimes i cannot last till the end of the session. i realise that most of the time, i am in a sort of lethargic stupor, and i find myself singing britney spears, or some other chic song that is nothing but noise in class.
my class is supposed to be considered top notch, with a subject combination of 3 sci and hist, its supposedly one of the better or more /"mugger"/ combinations where the students have to like it and work hard, for history and the sciences. maybe that is daunting me a littlem and to compensate for not being that great in academics i use the class clown or class jukebox to fill in.
I miss 1E. i know i have said it a gazillion times, but i just dont feel natural without 1E around.
i am not going on a nostalgia trip and say how great oneee/'ohfive was, but i feel like the friends i made there are slipping too, and that is one of my worries. I said before that i thought i was quite frivolous in the past where i have a really close friend for a while than i lose touch and when we meet again we are not as close. in fact KL KX and sean leon, all i just have contact and chat every now and then, but if not we are doing our own thing.
something syak told me over the hols, she said that in sec school and certainly not in primary school, we wouldnt do that much for our friends, and even though we may be close in school, once we go other ways we are not that close. yet now in TJ/TA we can feel that we have closer friends and do more things together, like all the oneeeyohfive things we did, and even now going out for lunch together. this more than ever makes me want to stay close to the 1E bunch this year, and sometimes i think i overdo it, and it just comes off the wrong way.
this year has not been working out for me so far. other people tell me to wait a while and hopefully i will adjust, but now i just feel terrible, and i dont know how much more i can take.
side note: dont redo the same mistakes of yester year
I think i need something to fill me at the moment. anything, be it SC or some activity, i need something to get my mind of things, and give me some focus no matter how short term. i cant wait for cheerleading to start, or the get back my personality profile, but whatever the case i need something in my life to change, i need it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Senior vs Hor Fun
The teacher started class by calling everyone to take out their pencil and paper and to write an essay comparing a person, apart from your relatives, that they knew to an object. little johnny john jon shabadoo was sure of what he was going to write all about.
My senior
My senior is like my favourite food, Ipoh Hor Fun. the dish reminds me of her character, she can be smooth and slick like the noodle, yet the chilli packs enough punch to make me want to eat more, just like the way she intrigues me. even though the food is supposed to be savoury, she defies convention, and like the chunks of char siew, is sweet in the multiple layers. Overall, she makes me happy, and is the perfect comfort food for me in the morning.
But like all food, if i were to eat it everyday, i would not like it as much as before. i might even dislike the taste and complain on how its faults instead of complimenting the good things that never change. I would find that the rich taste of the same food everyday overbearing, and sometimes i wish to eat something blander and less complex.
yet when i go cold turkey, i miss the taste of having it for breakfast, and i would crave Hor Fun above all else, but i can only eat the dull whole bran cereal that i have every other day.
i didnt know how to appreciate the things that were in front of me. instead of relishing the fact that i have that comfort food, instead i get cocky and think that i can go without it at all. I started to realise this, so i told myself to be happy and learn to appreciate it more, but then my grandpa started buying from a different stall and it was not the same.
Until i can convince my grandfather to change back to the previous stall, i have to be content with what i have got, i think the flavour is slowly reverting though, the stall uncle must be getting better?
but i have learnt one thing if anything at all, it would be that since i enjoy it, yet i do not want to take it for granted, i can have it once a while, and on special occasions. it would seem that i seem to meet her when something special is organised, then i appreciate her more, and i know what it is like to enjoy good food.
to my senior, you are my Ipoh Hor Fun, and you will always be =D
Senior? what do you think of my essay? do i get my A++?
My senior
My senior is like my favourite food, Ipoh Hor Fun. the dish reminds me of her character, she can be smooth and slick like the noodle, yet the chilli packs enough punch to make me want to eat more, just like the way she intrigues me. even though the food is supposed to be savoury, she defies convention, and like the chunks of char siew, is sweet in the multiple layers. Overall, she makes me happy, and is the perfect comfort food for me in the morning.
But like all food, if i were to eat it everyday, i would not like it as much as before. i might even dislike the taste and complain on how its faults instead of complimenting the good things that never change. I would find that the rich taste of the same food everyday overbearing, and sometimes i wish to eat something blander and less complex.
yet when i go cold turkey, i miss the taste of having it for breakfast, and i would crave Hor Fun above all else, but i can only eat the dull whole bran cereal that i have every other day.
i didnt know how to appreciate the things that were in front of me. instead of relishing the fact that i have that comfort food, instead i get cocky and think that i can go without it at all. I started to realise this, so i told myself to be happy and learn to appreciate it more, but then my grandpa started buying from a different stall and it was not the same.
Until i can convince my grandfather to change back to the previous stall, i have to be content with what i have got, i think the flavour is slowly reverting though, the stall uncle must be getting better?
but i have learnt one thing if anything at all, it would be that since i enjoy it, yet i do not want to take it for granted, i can have it once a while, and on special occasions. it would seem that i seem to meet her when something special is organised, then i appreciate her more, and i know what it is like to enjoy good food.
to my senior, you are my Ipoh Hor Fun, and you will always be =D
Senior? what do you think of my essay? do i get my A++?
Friday, October 28, 2005
Departure
I am posting this on the official last day of the school year. And i have to say that it is really a bitter sweet feeling that is really strong. At the end of this school year, when i looked back on my year, i cried, literally, this year has been the best in my schooling life so far.
I immensly enjoyed this year, and i really cannot bear to let everyone go. Mrs. Lim is going on to do more in the MOE, and will no longer be the principal of TJC. I have to say that i was quite shocked at myself. I guess it did not really hit me until after her farewell concert. i was really glad when i got the honour to hand her her present, even thought the fashion in which i did was really silly. then she went on to her speech where she gave a summary of her life story, and i felt small inklings of loss, and i guess that i wasnt fully aware how it would affect me. then it was when we went up on stage to sing the school song, that i think i really broke down. It was the start of the song, just seeing mrs lim stand there, i saw how it started from the interview, and then here where i am, on stage, one of the councillors, and honouring the best person, principle, companion and friend, i think i have ever met in my life.
from there, it was a waterfall. the tears just kept flowing, and i didnt even know what was happening to me. I have to admit that i have never felt so strongly, or ever cried in school before. It had been just too overwhelming, and especially when i come to terms with it at such a late date. It is true, /" you have to know that everything will eventually end, so while you have what you have, treasure it, and dont regret it after its gone"/. so i can say that these tears are not in vain, as it is for the good times, and the inspiration Mrs Lim has given to me. Thank you, Mrs. Lim.
It is not just her that made me weep so much, but it was more like he build up of emotions. Like i have said, this year has been the best in my schooling life, every point i enjoyed, and even with certain ups and downs i have never wished for anything else. I stepped into TJ for the first time, to have the interview for TAIP, and before coming i had no inkling whatsoever to stay dedicateed to the school. Perhaps it was that VS mentality, and the macho figure that i had to pose, that caused me to not have any emotional link with anything.
stepping into that interview room, and speaking with Mrs Lim, i felt so welcomed, so much at home, and with Mrs Lim like a mother not just to the school, but to every individual. She was the sole changer of every emotion in my body, and pretty much my entire attitude. maybe it can be considered a turnign point, and she guided me smoothly round the bend.
My feelings for Mrs Lim will never change, and she will always be my inspiration, it will be as strong as my bond with one'eey oh five. I pretty much said what i wanted to in my earlier post about the class, and i still find the class the best in IP, best in school, and the best, just.
Swifter, Higher, Stronger, just.
I immensly enjoyed this year, and i really cannot bear to let everyone go. Mrs. Lim is going on to do more in the MOE, and will no longer be the principal of TJC. I have to say that i was quite shocked at myself. I guess it did not really hit me until after her farewell concert. i was really glad when i got the honour to hand her her present, even thought the fashion in which i did was really silly. then she went on to her speech where she gave a summary of her life story, and i felt small inklings of loss, and i guess that i wasnt fully aware how it would affect me. then it was when we went up on stage to sing the school song, that i think i really broke down. It was the start of the song, just seeing mrs lim stand there, i saw how it started from the interview, and then here where i am, on stage, one of the councillors, and honouring the best person, principle, companion and friend, i think i have ever met in my life.
from there, it was a waterfall. the tears just kept flowing, and i didnt even know what was happening to me. I have to admit that i have never felt so strongly, or ever cried in school before. It had been just too overwhelming, and especially when i come to terms with it at such a late date. It is true, /" you have to know that everything will eventually end, so while you have what you have, treasure it, and dont regret it after its gone"/. so i can say that these tears are not in vain, as it is for the good times, and the inspiration Mrs Lim has given to me. Thank you, Mrs. Lim.
It is not just her that made me weep so much, but it was more like he build up of emotions. Like i have said, this year has been the best in my schooling life, every point i enjoyed, and even with certain ups and downs i have never wished for anything else. I stepped into TJ for the first time, to have the interview for TAIP, and before coming i had no inkling whatsoever to stay dedicateed to the school. Perhaps it was that VS mentality, and the macho figure that i had to pose, that caused me to not have any emotional link with anything.
stepping into that interview room, and speaking with Mrs Lim, i felt so welcomed, so much at home, and with Mrs Lim like a mother not just to the school, but to every individual. She was the sole changer of every emotion in my body, and pretty much my entire attitude. maybe it can be considered a turnign point, and she guided me smoothly round the bend.
My feelings for Mrs Lim will never change, and she will always be my inspiration, it will be as strong as my bond with one'eey oh five. I pretty much said what i wanted to in my earlier post about the class, and i still find the class the best in IP, best in school, and the best, just.
Swifter, Higher, Stronger, just.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Slimming down
I am aware that I am overweight, but I am quite confused on what to do about it. At first I was skeptical about writing this post, the reason is that when I do post something, I want to let it out and deal with it so that it is no longer weighing in my mind. Yet, this is one thing that I wanted to make sure that I keep so that I can do something about it.
It is not that I do not want to slim down, but I just am not exactly sure how to go about doing it. I know that I can eat less and exercise more, but firstly I am not that strong at controlling and sometimes I eat more than I should, but that is something I am already working on and I think we some guidance I think I can make it, the second would be exercise, I like basketball and mass dance and that kind of stuff, but I cant possibly do that everyday, and I guess I need to do something about that.
I know that some people have told me that if I slim down my image would change for the better, and there are people who said that If I were to slim down I could look quite hot (o.O) either way, I have been quite conscious of my image recently, and I kind of am trying to look and present myself better.
Perhaps it’s the influence of the girls. I want to look better in front of them and maybe their constant engrossing over their clothes has led me to do that too. But anyway, I am glad that they have influenced me like that, because it just gives me more reason to want to change. I am not unhappy with my current image, but I guess that it can be better.
I am not embarrassed about my weight, and I guess I have come to terms with it. I am not petite, and I am tall, but sometimes I think I use my height to hide my size. I was with a few guys on Friday last week, and we were eating dinner and chatting. Then there was this girl that was quite fat, that one of the guys said had a crush on him. At first I laughed along and found her antics to flirt with him quite funny, but then I felt awkward, as I knew that I am possibly made fun of that way too. So I mentioned it to them and said, /“I am not that slim myself you know”/ they agreed but I was intrigued when they said, /“hey, but we are guys, and it is not like you don’t think you are fat, you accept it, and we do too”/. At that point I was not sure whether to feel good or bad, but I just let that matter rest. Thing is that I have friends that do not mind me being big, if they did, they wouldn’t be my friends, would they?
So now I can but try to slim down, I have never felt more driven about it. I will have problems, and I may eat more now and then, but I can try and control (I kinda want to save more for hols any way), so all the best for me and may I come back to school next year watching the shock o their face =P
It is not that I do not want to slim down, but I just am not exactly sure how to go about doing it. I know that I can eat less and exercise more, but firstly I am not that strong at controlling and sometimes I eat more than I should, but that is something I am already working on and I think we some guidance I think I can make it, the second would be exercise, I like basketball and mass dance and that kind of stuff, but I cant possibly do that everyday, and I guess I need to do something about that.
I know that some people have told me that if I slim down my image would change for the better, and there are people who said that If I were to slim down I could look quite hot (o.O) either way, I have been quite conscious of my image recently, and I kind of am trying to look and present myself better.
Perhaps it’s the influence of the girls. I want to look better in front of them and maybe their constant engrossing over their clothes has led me to do that too. But anyway, I am glad that they have influenced me like that, because it just gives me more reason to want to change. I am not unhappy with my current image, but I guess that it can be better.
I am not embarrassed about my weight, and I guess I have come to terms with it. I am not petite, and I am tall, but sometimes I think I use my height to hide my size. I was with a few guys on Friday last week, and we were eating dinner and chatting. Then there was this girl that was quite fat, that one of the guys said had a crush on him. At first I laughed along and found her antics to flirt with him quite funny, but then I felt awkward, as I knew that I am possibly made fun of that way too. So I mentioned it to them and said, /“I am not that slim myself you know”/ they agreed but I was intrigued when they said, /“hey, but we are guys, and it is not like you don’t think you are fat, you accept it, and we do too”/. At that point I was not sure whether to feel good or bad, but I just let that matter rest. Thing is that I have friends that do not mind me being big, if they did, they wouldn’t be my friends, would they?
So now I can but try to slim down, I have never felt more driven about it. I will have problems, and I may eat more now and then, but I can try and control (I kinda want to save more for hols any way), so all the best for me and may I come back to school next year watching the shock o their face =P
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
In a friend
looking back at the friendship i have established this year, i think about my history of friendships, and then i sometimes think of my loneliness, when i piece them all together, i seem to get a realisation that even though i have had many good friendships in my life, it also have had the same amont of short term friendships too.
In a way, i am constantly changing, and whether i change at a fast rate or not, is not something by which i can judge. So i would assume that i have different needs at different points in my life, and hence i do not have long lasting friendships. i am not so sure whether it is reflecting on my love life, but it is evident to me that my circle of friends is ever changing, and seems to fade quite quickly too.
take for example my primary school days. i though i established some really good friends with people like Ka-X and KL. yet now, not do i barely see them, i do not chat, nor talk to them anymore either. I remember the more /"innocent"/ days, where i would be able to do, say and spout anything i want, and usually the implications are not that great. then as i grow older, the implications get graver, and overall my actions, or lack of it, has caused severe damage to both my social and emotional self.
perhaps it is a bit like Sal. she claims to be more self conscious. in a way, it seems true for myself as well. not in the physical way, as i have dealt with the fact that i am large, and i can only but work to resolve it, rather, i have been made more aware of my flaws, and i feel easily affected and influenced by the critiques of others. In a way i am quite oversensitive in certain areas, especially when isults are in a more convincing form, or somethimes if i respect the person who says it, i would be easily affected too.
i would have thought, that unlike most of my other friends, they do not have the fortune of having inter GEP events to bond more with their primary school friends, yet there are people that have friendships that have lasted a significantly long time. I guess that i do envy kenneth, as he told me of his best friend that he has known since primary 4. in a way, he has other ties with his friend other than school, his father happens to know his friend/'s father, and they know each other through a number of other ways, but the bottomline is that he has a friend which he can call abest friend, and it means more than just the petty things of friend you more than him, so you are my best friend.
of course i am not saying i am unhappy with my current friends. i know a large number of people in TJ, and i have better friendships, and i have many more acquaintences, but i feel content with status quo.
I just cannot help but wonder to myself, about the reasons my friendship has worked, or not, in the past and present. I find that it has a large extent to do with me being clingy towards people. Isaac has said, why do people have the inate desire to belong to a group? personally, i would initially disagree with him and say that i am content being alone sometimes, yet i know that his words are true, and that i do want to belong to something bigger than personal.
I tend to pull back the image of my childhood. there was once where i went on holiday to malaysia with my cousin, and her cousin. her cousin is not my cousin, as her cousin was from the other side of her family. when i first met her cousin, or guan yi, i was in such admiration of him, and i felt that i wanted to be his best friend. of course it would seem psychotic, but that was the way i thought at that age, and it was a simple wanting to be as close to him as possible. however, by the end of that holidays, he must have been really bothered by me, because i beleive i was too clingy, and would do anything to make myself likeable. from that point, it has been a recurring thought when i have friends, and it has developed me to be more passive.
i then progressed on to VS, which was more detrimental to my friendship development than ever. i was pretty much of a social outcast in VS, but the social outcasts consist of the physically different, the blacks, the munjans, the smart, the stupid, the nerds, the posers, and close to everyone, leaving nothing for the normal people. i thought i found friendship in Sean and Leon, but now they are doing their own thing, and have their own social castle to build.
but i do have to admire sean. he has been a interesting person to be friends with. recently when i invited him to buy tickets for my drama performance, he had matured more in his thinking, and he seemed to have a cler path and conscience in his attitude to life. it was inspiring to see his life change, and that he was coming into his own as well.
after all the loops i have made, somehow it all boils down to isaac. after so long, it seems like he is the reference point, and most of my derivations seem to stem from knowing him. yes i do admire him at times, and i do wish i knew him more as a person, but i still would trust my life with him more than anyone, currently. it pisses me off quite a bit when he has his mood swings and his silly ramblings. it is just hard to deal with someone that treats you so strangely, especially when you think he is a friend worth having.
I just want to know someone for who he or she really is. i do not care how weird their life is, but i just want to be in touch with the person underneath the facade. when isaac tells me things i have great repect for him, when syak told me about her life, i was honored, and i got to know a different dimension of her. i think that in a way, i wear my heart on my sleeve. i am gullible in a sense that i would tell anyone anything, provided they know me to a certain extent. i just want a friend which i can say that i know what he/she is really like, i know why they are like that and do certain things, that is what i want in a friend.
In a way, i am constantly changing, and whether i change at a fast rate or not, is not something by which i can judge. So i would assume that i have different needs at different points in my life, and hence i do not have long lasting friendships. i am not so sure whether it is reflecting on my love life, but it is evident to me that my circle of friends is ever changing, and seems to fade quite quickly too.
take for example my primary school days. i though i established some really good friends with people like Ka-X and KL. yet now, not do i barely see them, i do not chat, nor talk to them anymore either. I remember the more /"innocent"/ days, where i would be able to do, say and spout anything i want, and usually the implications are not that great. then as i grow older, the implications get graver, and overall my actions, or lack of it, has caused severe damage to both my social and emotional self.
perhaps it is a bit like Sal. she claims to be more self conscious. in a way, it seems true for myself as well. not in the physical way, as i have dealt with the fact that i am large, and i can only but work to resolve it, rather, i have been made more aware of my flaws, and i feel easily affected and influenced by the critiques of others. In a way i am quite oversensitive in certain areas, especially when isults are in a more convincing form, or somethimes if i respect the person who says it, i would be easily affected too.
i would have thought, that unlike most of my other friends, they do not have the fortune of having inter GEP events to bond more with their primary school friends, yet there are people that have friendships that have lasted a significantly long time. I guess that i do envy kenneth, as he told me of his best friend that he has known since primary 4. in a way, he has other ties with his friend other than school, his father happens to know his friend/'s father, and they know each other through a number of other ways, but the bottomline is that he has a friend which he can call abest friend, and it means more than just the petty things of friend you more than him, so you are my best friend.
of course i am not saying i am unhappy with my current friends. i know a large number of people in TJ, and i have better friendships, and i have many more acquaintences, but i feel content with status quo.
I just cannot help but wonder to myself, about the reasons my friendship has worked, or not, in the past and present. I find that it has a large extent to do with me being clingy towards people. Isaac has said, why do people have the inate desire to belong to a group? personally, i would initially disagree with him and say that i am content being alone sometimes, yet i know that his words are true, and that i do want to belong to something bigger than personal.
I tend to pull back the image of my childhood. there was once where i went on holiday to malaysia with my cousin, and her cousin. her cousin is not my cousin, as her cousin was from the other side of her family. when i first met her cousin, or guan yi, i was in such admiration of him, and i felt that i wanted to be his best friend. of course it would seem psychotic, but that was the way i thought at that age, and it was a simple wanting to be as close to him as possible. however, by the end of that holidays, he must have been really bothered by me, because i beleive i was too clingy, and would do anything to make myself likeable. from that point, it has been a recurring thought when i have friends, and it has developed me to be more passive.
i then progressed on to VS, which was more detrimental to my friendship development than ever. i was pretty much of a social outcast in VS, but the social outcasts consist of the physically different, the blacks, the munjans, the smart, the stupid, the nerds, the posers, and close to everyone, leaving nothing for the normal people. i thought i found friendship in Sean and Leon, but now they are doing their own thing, and have their own social castle to build.
but i do have to admire sean. he has been a interesting person to be friends with. recently when i invited him to buy tickets for my drama performance, he had matured more in his thinking, and he seemed to have a cler path and conscience in his attitude to life. it was inspiring to see his life change, and that he was coming into his own as well.
after all the loops i have made, somehow it all boils down to isaac. after so long, it seems like he is the reference point, and most of my derivations seem to stem from knowing him. yes i do admire him at times, and i do wish i knew him more as a person, but i still would trust my life with him more than anyone, currently. it pisses me off quite a bit when he has his mood swings and his silly ramblings. it is just hard to deal with someone that treats you so strangely, especially when you think he is a friend worth having.
I just want to know someone for who he or she really is. i do not care how weird their life is, but i just want to be in touch with the person underneath the facade. when isaac tells me things i have great repect for him, when syak told me about her life, i was honored, and i got to know a different dimension of her. i think that in a way, i wear my heart on my sleeve. i am gullible in a sense that i would tell anyone anything, provided they know me to a certain extent. i just want a friend which i can say that i know what he/she is really like, i know why they are like that and do certain things, that is what i want in a friend.
Friday, September 23, 2005
wrapping up
it has been a wholesome year with all sorts of ups and downs, and i guess that i like reflecting on this year, as it has been one of the best years of my life, it is enriching, and altough i go through a lot of shit, there is still the sense of awe, when i look back and seen what i have done.
It never occured to me how short a time we have left. the thing is that we knew at the back of our heads that we are going to split up, but we just do not really realise it with the exam stress going on.
Today i was simply doing my math revision excercise with kenneth in school. then out of the blue he turned to me and said, /" You dont realise it right?/" i was like Huh?. he went on we all dont realise it but in 1 months time, we are going to be in seperate classes.. I was kind of taken aback. it was true. i did not realise that it was so soon. and i could not think about it at all...
Many a time i have said that i am so glad i am in 1E. in fact this week i said it quite a few times to people like yee chuin and others. Apparently 1E was the leftovers class. all those that are not exactly high in academics but have interesting personalities. i should know, look at Kenneth, Marcus, Isaac, the rest of the brudders, even jane, syak, and of course wendy. 1E is so diverse in personality, that it is never boring in our class. Even other people hang out in our class, usually its just the 1A people, but even so, our class is a hangout.
I have been asking around what kind of subject combinations people are going to take. as usual my class has totally different answers from different people, and it does not really seem like many are choosing the subject combi i am doing. So there is the chance that i will have a totally different class that is kinda boring, or at least not as great as 1E.
It seems funny, because i did not think about it before. I used to feel nostalgic of my primary school, and even to a certain sense, VS. yet, it never occured to me that i will miss my class. we have grown so much together, the class and as brudders, and it really seems a pity for us to break up. Nostalgia is weird, it can occur even when you are still together.
me and kenneth spent a while lamenting and reminiscing before going back to math. It seems like just yesterday when we had our orientation. the days of doing crazy things to get points, and the stripping act for orientation night. I remember hitting it off really well with eugene, and remember the nights where isaac would scream WORK PERMIT!!! and i would throw my bulky sleeping bag at him. All the crazy things, including arguing with wendy over almost everything, and playing around with eugene.
then there has been the rest of the year. Cheerleading, House functions, SC campaigning, SC things, and now we are planning our own Orientation. It seems that we are moving at too fast a pace, and i want it to stay like this for as long as possible.
Wendy, the squabbling, the bickering, insults and just pissing each other off. in a way, it is going to be quite quiet when i am not your enemy. look at today, marcus tan asked for who is the most disliked in class, and almost immedietly, we hear I dont like Jonathan. marcus tan was simply grinning so hard... Well, there is only one wendy, and only one enemy in her eyes >.<
Jane, hmm... you are definitely interesting. working in your group for 1 term has been very interesting, cuz i have never been chased after so much for work by a classmate in my life. but yet, you are still fun loving. hmm... fun-loving perfectionist. awkward combo, but definitely suits you. its been a pleasure working with you and fun seeing how you react to the craziness of me kenneth and marcus :D
Eugene, he has gone a long way from the start of the year. it is either he has grown a lot, or i have just gotten to know him better. the strength you have shown is in class as a CG rep, and in SC as a councillor. i have not met someone quite like you, but i am glad i have. you show me that one can be so much stronger than what he portrays himself to be.
Syakirah, you are still a really muddled character! I didnt remember much of you from the orientation or even the start of the year. but now, we are like siblings, or dodo sibs, i have gotten to meet a different side of you in SC and through other things. haha, you will always be the cheeky sily person, but i know that there is more to that as well :)
Councillors of 1E. we work things out together. its just like the chopsticks and how many of us are stronger, and i know we can rely on each other no mattter what. thanks, you taught me how to be less aggresive and stubborn, and you guys have really been the best people i have worked with.
Varun, you have been remembered as the uncute cute one. you are underestimated a lot, but you just have to pick yourself up and prove them wrong. you are definitely letting yourself go to waste, but i know that you are more than that, so i think you will be fine.
Marcus, you are a serious joker, with you it never is a dull moment. you totally lame people out, and the way you react to thinngs is just simply entertaining. haha, i remember the years when you chase me out of class, never would i think you are so crazy and weird, yet the most enthu and vibrant too.
Kenneth, you wit never seems to astound me. you are just an intellectual, just that you are just so weird o.O you are like a really wise-ass kid, you know too much for your own good, but it is really fun having you around to make the group laugh like crazy even when the topic is boring out of all reason. you liven up our group. 2 terms of groupwork has just been amazing with you around.
Isaac, we go back a long way. i have so much to say, but bottomline is that i appreciate you. all the times of insults, pranks and squabbling, it has boiled down to this. i have found a person that i can trust things with. you may not always be the MOST positive person around, but you definitely have one of the most mature minds in class and perhaps TA. it has been an honor for the past 5 years of school, and i hope it will not end.
Brothers of 1E. over the past term, we have simply become closer. perhaps sometimes there are different divisions, but we share good times, and i bet if one of us is facing problems, we are there for each other. maybe we will have different brothers next year, but the brothers of 1E will be there for a long time.
1E. it has been a hell of a ride. a ride i wish i could go on again. but i know it wont happen. i have learnt so much.
Me and kenneth are planning something for the class. a memorabilia in a way. it has to be surprise though, but of course work comes first. I just cant think that there will be an easy way for 1E to split, and what else can i do but look in longing and savour our final month as a class together. CG 1E/05 forever, and may we stay strong as friends.
It never occured to me how short a time we have left. the thing is that we knew at the back of our heads that we are going to split up, but we just do not really realise it with the exam stress going on.
Today i was simply doing my math revision excercise with kenneth in school. then out of the blue he turned to me and said, /" You dont realise it right?/" i was like Huh?. he went on we all dont realise it but in 1 months time, we are going to be in seperate classes.. I was kind of taken aback. it was true. i did not realise that it was so soon. and i could not think about it at all...
Many a time i have said that i am so glad i am in 1E. in fact this week i said it quite a few times to people like yee chuin and others. Apparently 1E was the leftovers class. all those that are not exactly high in academics but have interesting personalities. i should know, look at Kenneth, Marcus, Isaac, the rest of the brudders, even jane, syak, and of course wendy. 1E is so diverse in personality, that it is never boring in our class. Even other people hang out in our class, usually its just the 1A people, but even so, our class is a hangout.
I have been asking around what kind of subject combinations people are going to take. as usual my class has totally different answers from different people, and it does not really seem like many are choosing the subject combi i am doing. So there is the chance that i will have a totally different class that is kinda boring, or at least not as great as 1E.
It seems funny, because i did not think about it before. I used to feel nostalgic of my primary school, and even to a certain sense, VS. yet, it never occured to me that i will miss my class. we have grown so much together, the class and as brudders, and it really seems a pity for us to break up. Nostalgia is weird, it can occur even when you are still together.
me and kenneth spent a while lamenting and reminiscing before going back to math. It seems like just yesterday when we had our orientation. the days of doing crazy things to get points, and the stripping act for orientation night. I remember hitting it off really well with eugene, and remember the nights where isaac would scream WORK PERMIT!!! and i would throw my bulky sleeping bag at him. All the crazy things, including arguing with wendy over almost everything, and playing around with eugene.
then there has been the rest of the year. Cheerleading, House functions, SC campaigning, SC things, and now we are planning our own Orientation. It seems that we are moving at too fast a pace, and i want it to stay like this for as long as possible.
Wendy, the squabbling, the bickering, insults and just pissing each other off. in a way, it is going to be quite quiet when i am not your enemy. look at today, marcus tan asked for who is the most disliked in class, and almost immedietly, we hear I dont like Jonathan. marcus tan was simply grinning so hard... Well, there is only one wendy, and only one enemy in her eyes >.<
Jane, hmm... you are definitely interesting. working in your group for 1 term has been very interesting, cuz i have never been chased after so much for work by a classmate in my life. but yet, you are still fun loving. hmm... fun-loving perfectionist. awkward combo, but definitely suits you. its been a pleasure working with you and fun seeing how you react to the craziness of me kenneth and marcus :D
Eugene, he has gone a long way from the start of the year. it is either he has grown a lot, or i have just gotten to know him better. the strength you have shown is in class as a CG rep, and in SC as a councillor. i have not met someone quite like you, but i am glad i have. you show me that one can be so much stronger than what he portrays himself to be.
Syakirah, you are still a really muddled character! I didnt remember much of you from the orientation or even the start of the year. but now, we are like siblings, or dodo sibs, i have gotten to meet a different side of you in SC and through other things. haha, you will always be the cheeky sily person, but i know that there is more to that as well :)
Councillors of 1E. we work things out together. its just like the chopsticks and how many of us are stronger, and i know we can rely on each other no mattter what. thanks, you taught me how to be less aggresive and stubborn, and you guys have really been the best people i have worked with.
Varun, you have been remembered as the uncute cute one. you are underestimated a lot, but you just have to pick yourself up and prove them wrong. you are definitely letting yourself go to waste, but i know that you are more than that, so i think you will be fine.
Marcus, you are a serious joker, with you it never is a dull moment. you totally lame people out, and the way you react to thinngs is just simply entertaining. haha, i remember the years when you chase me out of class, never would i think you are so crazy and weird, yet the most enthu and vibrant too.
Kenneth, you wit never seems to astound me. you are just an intellectual, just that you are just so weird o.O you are like a really wise-ass kid, you know too much for your own good, but it is really fun having you around to make the group laugh like crazy even when the topic is boring out of all reason. you liven up our group. 2 terms of groupwork has just been amazing with you around.
Isaac, we go back a long way. i have so much to say, but bottomline is that i appreciate you. all the times of insults, pranks and squabbling, it has boiled down to this. i have found a person that i can trust things with. you may not always be the MOST positive person around, but you definitely have one of the most mature minds in class and perhaps TA. it has been an honor for the past 5 years of school, and i hope it will not end.
Brothers of 1E. over the past term, we have simply become closer. perhaps sometimes there are different divisions, but we share good times, and i bet if one of us is facing problems, we are there for each other. maybe we will have different brothers next year, but the brothers of 1E will be there for a long time.
1E. it has been a hell of a ride. a ride i wish i could go on again. but i know it wont happen. i have learnt so much.
Me and kenneth are planning something for the class. a memorabilia in a way. it has to be surprise though, but of course work comes first. I just cant think that there will be an easy way for 1E to split, and what else can i do but look in longing and savour our final month as a class together. CG 1E/05 forever, and may we stay strong as friends.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
matters of the heart
It has always been obvious to me that at this age, and this point in my life, hormones will be raging, and inevitably, matters of the heart will be complicated. yet, it is not until you experience it, that you reallise that it truly is a bigger thing to handle that what is is perceived to be. there is no wonder why we tend to see such drastic behavior in people and within ourselves.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
matters of the heart
It has always been obvious to me that at this age, and this point in my life, hormones will be raging, and inevitably, matters of the heart will be complicated. yet, it is not until you experience it, that you reallise that it truly is a bigger thing to handle that what is is perceived to be. there is no wonder why we tend to see such drastic behavior in people and within ourselves.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.
So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.
this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.
Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.
still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.
even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.
speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.
looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.
Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.
i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.
2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.
1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.
no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.
hit the pause button, i want to resume later.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
soon...
it is 6pm, im in school, blogging, and it is 3 weeks to the promos. Admittantly, i should be studying and cramping my brain with tons of miscellenous information about Similar triangles, shakespeare's plays and secondary structure of protein. yet i am here posting, and reflecting of what i have done this year, and what i am goign to do.
Truth is, that my opinion, and to many other's too, the exams are just gonna be the paper certification for our future job. soon, everyone will have the same qualification, and it is going to speak very little to the employer, what kind of person we are. then our opinion is that the paper qualifications will no longer matter, what will matter is personality, commitment, and experience.
My take, is that i can not worry so far ahead. if i am going to think about this, i should save it for after the promos.
how has my year been? relatively, at least compared to last year, i have reason to beleive that my work attitude is changing. perhaps because i am doing marginally better, or maybe it is just the environment i am now in. No, its not very competitive, but i feel more competent, and willing to work harder to not only do better, but to show to others and myself, that i am changing.
I feel a bit bad/guilty, especially to those that look up to me. funny, i have people who actually look up to me! but yeah, i guess that people think i am more intelligent then them. i have been given the opportunity and adapt to the faster pace in GEP, but that does not make me any more intelligent. look at isaac, he is intelligent, but the key is that he works hard, i will have nothing to say if he were to get top scores.
Now i am starting to worry. i do not work as hard. i am only accustomed to the style of teaching, and i guess i am doing relatively similar to last year. this does mean that by the end of the 4 years, i will be further behind then anyone else, as while they are at my comfort with the system, their true intelligence will show, and i will eat their dust if i am not hardworking enough.
Work. that is something i am not good at. more as a verb than a noun. truth is that i dont think this really my forte. i think rather than just work, i excel more at brainstorming than the slogging over work. essentially, in one word, im LAZY.
i still am slothing my day away instead of studying, but this is where i think i put council before studies. i shouldn/'t but the truth is i do. I rather do anything, and this usually includes socialising, doing things for others, and i rather teach what i know than do work! still, i rather do things that build me up as a person, than remembering the one thing that builds people, discipline.
Sigh, what is a guy to do? i can resolve all i like and commit to studying full force, but i know that it is not really gonna happen. but until i can commit, i shall go study anyway. i think i have reached a point where i have nothing else better to do.
Truth is, that my opinion, and to many other's too, the exams are just gonna be the paper certification for our future job. soon, everyone will have the same qualification, and it is going to speak very little to the employer, what kind of person we are. then our opinion is that the paper qualifications will no longer matter, what will matter is personality, commitment, and experience.
My take, is that i can not worry so far ahead. if i am going to think about this, i should save it for after the promos.
how has my year been? relatively, at least compared to last year, i have reason to beleive that my work attitude is changing. perhaps because i am doing marginally better, or maybe it is just the environment i am now in. No, its not very competitive, but i feel more competent, and willing to work harder to not only do better, but to show to others and myself, that i am changing.
I feel a bit bad/guilty, especially to those that look up to me. funny, i have people who actually look up to me! but yeah, i guess that people think i am more intelligent then them. i have been given the opportunity and adapt to the faster pace in GEP, but that does not make me any more intelligent. look at isaac, he is intelligent, but the key is that he works hard, i will have nothing to say if he were to get top scores.
Now i am starting to worry. i do not work as hard. i am only accustomed to the style of teaching, and i guess i am doing relatively similar to last year. this does mean that by the end of the 4 years, i will be further behind then anyone else, as while they are at my comfort with the system, their true intelligence will show, and i will eat their dust if i am not hardworking enough.
Work. that is something i am not good at. more as a verb than a noun. truth is that i dont think this really my forte. i think rather than just work, i excel more at brainstorming than the slogging over work. essentially, in one word, im LAZY.
i still am slothing my day away instead of studying, but this is where i think i put council before studies. i shouldn/'t but the truth is i do. I rather do anything, and this usually includes socialising, doing things for others, and i rather teach what i know than do work! still, i rather do things that build me up as a person, than remembering the one thing that builds people, discipline.
Sigh, what is a guy to do? i can resolve all i like and commit to studying full force, but i know that it is not really gonna happen. but until i can commit, i shall go study anyway. i think i have reached a point where i have nothing else better to do.
Monday, September 05, 2005
The new, the old and the constant
Its been a while since i posted. i have enjoyed myself utterly throughout the last week as well as the first 3 days of the hols.
I guess it started from wednesday, the very eve of teachers/' day. thanks to isaac, who didn/'t really go back to Royth, but just got the excuse to get out of school, anywae, he and i were allowed to leave school early to go back to our Rosyth. I felt a bit guilty as i was allowed to leave freely, but the rest from schools like anglican, tried so hard to get permission to leave, but they were rejected. I felt bad that i couldn/'t do anything, but it couldn/'t be helped.
When i finally reached Rosyth. i couldn/'t help be feel a bit out of place. I had come back here twice with a /"Victorian mentality/" and i cannot say that i had a very good attitude then. yet now, i come back with a totally different experience, and i felt that i was not who i used to be in this school and in vs. Then i was commenting, perhaps it was not something internal, but it could have been because it was so quiet. the RI guys pretty much made up a large portion of the guys that came back. maybe it is due to the fact one RI guy coming is equavalent to 3 people. the Rafflesian, his ego, and his ego/'s ego.
After, guan and bib came to my house. it has been eons since any ex-ro or even my classmates, last came to my house. It was really good to catch up with bib and guan, even though guan was drunk on some mocha creme which was a mocha and vodka drink i served him. I admit, that out of all the people i have met and left, i miss my primary school friends the most. As they left, we planned to meet sal the next day for vocal training which she was introducing to us.
The next day, in the morning i was still skeptical to go, yet, i managed to lug myself out of the house and meet them. bib kinda backed out, cuz she said she couldnt sing... I was wondering how sal would look like now. havent really seen her, and when i last saw bib this year, she was totally different in style and everything. Then sla came in a /"plain jane/" look which i guess you cant really say that, as, when was sal ever /"plain/"?
so the three of us (me, guan and sal) all went to the place where we were gonna try that vocal training thing. The lady was really really late, so we being immature as we are, fooled around with the mikes and played around in the area. Sal sings really well, even though she does not admit it, her speaking voice has really gone down too, cuz she says she is more self conscious. i guess it happens to best of us, i am still really chicken to try certain things though.
I/'m proud i plucked up the courage to try the vocal training, cuz not only does it allow me to spend time with the ex-ros, but it is fun and beneficial too.
Side: i never fully noticed how close our batch of 2002 GEP ex-rosythians were. i knew that we were usually good friends and generally kept in contact, but i thought that was normal for all batches. well it isnt really. why were we so close? i guess it was all the crazy stuff we did in and out of class. the fairytale dress up (fairy princess in roller blades!) and the inter class war, or even the time chong wee broke the window slide in the old rosyth building, it was really great those days.
It really seems like there are many old and new things in my life, but i am glad that i get to try more and more new things in my life. even if it is small and silly. thanks to Sal for letting me try the crazy parapara machine, i garuntee that next time we are going to spend guan/'s tokens so fast he wont see what hit him.
It was quite ironic, cuz immedietly after spending the morning with them, i spent time doing my math proj at kenneth/'s house with the rest of my group, and friends from TJ.
but for real irony, it was today celebrating syak/'s birthday. Btw, Happy birthday SYAK! you/'re 15 now! better start acting your age! haha.
the irony was that we went to exact same place to watch a movie (red eye), as where i went /"parapara-ing/" and the funny thing was that today was the first time i ever took a neoprint. apart from learning that it is very expensive, and hard to take within the short time (and cramped space), it can be quite fun to mark the occasion, and to leave happy memories.
There was something i realised. when going out with sal and guan, i felt slightly more depressed and toned down than today. i figured that it was due to my experiences with them. I knew that i was on good terms with Sal and guan, but i have to admit that i was a bit of a social reject in pri school. i guess i offended quite a few people. also, i guess its bcuz i knew that our outing would not last long, and soon we may not see each other for a while. On syak/'s birthday, i felt comfortable with everyone, and i knew that these would be a time we can talk about when we meet in school, and i felt like there was no burden of the past.
Well, apart from having 3 very fun days with my frineds both new nad old, i have also gained quite a bit of knowledge of myself and my attitude towards people. i can only but say, /"let the good time roll/", and i look forward to the next vocal training as well as the next outing any of us have. =)
I guess it started from wednesday, the very eve of teachers/' day. thanks to isaac, who didn/'t really go back to Royth, but just got the excuse to get out of school, anywae, he and i were allowed to leave school early to go back to our Rosyth. I felt a bit guilty as i was allowed to leave freely, but the rest from schools like anglican, tried so hard to get permission to leave, but they were rejected. I felt bad that i couldn/'t do anything, but it couldn/'t be helped.
When i finally reached Rosyth. i couldn/'t help be feel a bit out of place. I had come back here twice with a /"Victorian mentality/" and i cannot say that i had a very good attitude then. yet now, i come back with a totally different experience, and i felt that i was not who i used to be in this school and in vs. Then i was commenting, perhaps it was not something internal, but it could have been because it was so quiet. the RI guys pretty much made up a large portion of the guys that came back. maybe it is due to the fact one RI guy coming is equavalent to 3 people. the Rafflesian, his ego, and his ego/'s ego.
After, guan and bib came to my house. it has been eons since any ex-ro or even my classmates, last came to my house. It was really good to catch up with bib and guan, even though guan was drunk on some mocha creme which was a mocha and vodka drink i served him. I admit, that out of all the people i have met and left, i miss my primary school friends the most. As they left, we planned to meet sal the next day for vocal training which she was introducing to us.
The next day, in the morning i was still skeptical to go, yet, i managed to lug myself out of the house and meet them. bib kinda backed out, cuz she said she couldnt sing... I was wondering how sal would look like now. havent really seen her, and when i last saw bib this year, she was totally different in style and everything. Then sla came in a /"plain jane/" look which i guess you cant really say that, as, when was sal ever /"plain/"?
so the three of us (me, guan and sal) all went to the place where we were gonna try that vocal training thing. The lady was really really late, so we being immature as we are, fooled around with the mikes and played around in the area. Sal sings really well, even though she does not admit it, her speaking voice has really gone down too, cuz she says she is more self conscious. i guess it happens to best of us, i am still really chicken to try certain things though.
I/'m proud i plucked up the courage to try the vocal training, cuz not only does it allow me to spend time with the ex-ros, but it is fun and beneficial too.
Side: i never fully noticed how close our batch of 2002 GEP ex-rosythians were. i knew that we were usually good friends and generally kept in contact, but i thought that was normal for all batches. well it isnt really. why were we so close? i guess it was all the crazy stuff we did in and out of class. the fairytale dress up (fairy princess in roller blades!) and the inter class war, or even the time chong wee broke the window slide in the old rosyth building, it was really great those days.
It really seems like there are many old and new things in my life, but i am glad that i get to try more and more new things in my life. even if it is small and silly. thanks to Sal for letting me try the crazy parapara machine, i garuntee that next time we are going to spend guan/'s tokens so fast he wont see what hit him.
It was quite ironic, cuz immedietly after spending the morning with them, i spent time doing my math proj at kenneth/'s house with the rest of my group, and friends from TJ.
but for real irony, it was today celebrating syak/'s birthday. Btw, Happy birthday SYAK! you/'re 15 now! better start acting your age! haha.
the irony was that we went to exact same place to watch a movie (red eye), as where i went /"parapara-ing/" and the funny thing was that today was the first time i ever took a neoprint. apart from learning that it is very expensive, and hard to take within the short time (and cramped space), it can be quite fun to mark the occasion, and to leave happy memories.
There was something i realised. when going out with sal and guan, i felt slightly more depressed and toned down than today. i figured that it was due to my experiences with them. I knew that i was on good terms with Sal and guan, but i have to admit that i was a bit of a social reject in pri school. i guess i offended quite a few people. also, i guess its bcuz i knew that our outing would not last long, and soon we may not see each other for a while. On syak/'s birthday, i felt comfortable with everyone, and i knew that these would be a time we can talk about when we meet in school, and i felt like there was no burden of the past.
Well, apart from having 3 very fun days with my frineds both new nad old, i have also gained quite a bit of knowledge of myself and my attitude towards people. i can only but say, /"let the good time roll/", and i look forward to the next vocal training as well as the next outing any of us have. =)
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Close to tears
After the drama improve on Saturday, I had a real sense of pride knowing how well the drama peeps did and knowing that I had a lot of fun doing all we did for the improv. Then when we went for dinner, the same feeling I once felt from the drama BBQ repeated itself in my system.
However, there were a few differences. Apart from the fact that it is a different situation, I also felt a slightly milder yet deeper feeling. I know it sounds a bit contradictory, but the feeling was more subtle, yet it had a deeper impact. The BBQ by the beach was the first outing we had and therefore it felt more like the initial foundation to our friendship. Now, it felt like we were these bunch of close friends and that we were totally comfortable with each other.
Before I go deeper into the drama and the emotional thing, I just have to say a huge thanks to Nick and Anurag for coming to support us, and happy b’dae and sorry to gene for not turning up for his b’dae.
I think drama is infectious, and that the people in there are just amazing. The longer we are together, the deeper we sink. This all came from the talk I had with Yiming on the MRT home from City Hall.
The thing is that she will be quitting dram between now and the end of the year. The reason is because she cannot cope and that chamber is something she has to take or her MEP scholarship will be revoked. Yet, she has pretty much made up her mind about quitting. So I asked, “do you need to quit drama?” her reply was, “yes”. Then I asked, “Do you want to quit drama”, she answered me without hesitation, “no”.
That is the whole thing. We are getting closer as the days go by. Slowly we are getting sucked in, but we are enjoying each other’s company and we are more than glad we have each other to rely on. It is my emotional fulfillment, and it is not so much a physical bond we share of being in drama, but it has developed into an emotional bond which I don’t think can be separated.
The hard thing is for us to let anyone go. We have become part of each others’ lives, and losing one us is like losing a part of you. I was almost to tears when I though about anyone leaving the drama club. I will cry if we disband, as it is a fact that we are close, and more than that, we are so comfortable with each other that we take each other for granted.
And that is where feel great injustice has been done to Amanda. For all the times she has tried to confide in me, and tried to just let her spill her guts, I have not been there for her, and I find my self dismissing her a lot more than before. Yeah, we do have our own lives, yet she is a big part of mine as a friend and more than that too. People just take her for granted. Yes that means a certain person, but I and I think some others are like that too. I feel really guilty towards her now, and I will make it up to her soon. That is a promise.
Sometimes, I just am not in the right mood when I talk to her. I know that she would revolve around a certain person, and I would rather talk about something else, but she has not talked about him for a while, and she has matured a lot as a person and as a friend. I need to spend more time with her, I am way to caught up in a lot of things that I don’t really need to be involved in, and it is high time that I stop being so selfish.
I know that might sound like I am in love with her or something, but I thing it is not a love in terms of BGR, but rather she is like the closest thing I have to a sister. She not only is someone that I enjoy being around, but I just have a certain sense of solace, and comfort knowing she is around. It is more than a relationship, it has become family.
I have matured a lot in drama club. And it has a greater impact on my internal self than I think. I think that a part of me would just die if the TJC drama club disbanded, but I know that our emotional bond will always be there, and we would find our own way of staying together. How often do we say something and mean it? I mean this: “I love TJC Drama club, and I love every one of its members.” Thanks for everything.
However, there were a few differences. Apart from the fact that it is a different situation, I also felt a slightly milder yet deeper feeling. I know it sounds a bit contradictory, but the feeling was more subtle, yet it had a deeper impact. The BBQ by the beach was the first outing we had and therefore it felt more like the initial foundation to our friendship. Now, it felt like we were these bunch of close friends and that we were totally comfortable with each other.
Before I go deeper into the drama and the emotional thing, I just have to say a huge thanks to Nick and Anurag for coming to support us, and happy b’dae and sorry to gene for not turning up for his b’dae.
I think drama is infectious, and that the people in there are just amazing. The longer we are together, the deeper we sink. This all came from the talk I had with Yiming on the MRT home from City Hall.
The thing is that she will be quitting dram between now and the end of the year. The reason is because she cannot cope and that chamber is something she has to take or her MEP scholarship will be revoked. Yet, she has pretty much made up her mind about quitting. So I asked, “do you need to quit drama?” her reply was, “yes”. Then I asked, “Do you want to quit drama”, she answered me without hesitation, “no”.
That is the whole thing. We are getting closer as the days go by. Slowly we are getting sucked in, but we are enjoying each other’s company and we are more than glad we have each other to rely on. It is my emotional fulfillment, and it is not so much a physical bond we share of being in drama, but it has developed into an emotional bond which I don’t think can be separated.
The hard thing is for us to let anyone go. We have become part of each others’ lives, and losing one us is like losing a part of you. I was almost to tears when I though about anyone leaving the drama club. I will cry if we disband, as it is a fact that we are close, and more than that, we are so comfortable with each other that we take each other for granted.
And that is where feel great injustice has been done to Amanda. For all the times she has tried to confide in me, and tried to just let her spill her guts, I have not been there for her, and I find my self dismissing her a lot more than before. Yeah, we do have our own lives, yet she is a big part of mine as a friend and more than that too. People just take her for granted. Yes that means a certain person, but I and I think some others are like that too. I feel really guilty towards her now, and I will make it up to her soon. That is a promise.
Sometimes, I just am not in the right mood when I talk to her. I know that she would revolve around a certain person, and I would rather talk about something else, but she has not talked about him for a while, and she has matured a lot as a person and as a friend. I need to spend more time with her, I am way to caught up in a lot of things that I don’t really need to be involved in, and it is high time that I stop being so selfish.
I know that might sound like I am in love with her or something, but I thing it is not a love in terms of BGR, but rather she is like the closest thing I have to a sister. She not only is someone that I enjoy being around, but I just have a certain sense of solace, and comfort knowing she is around. It is more than a relationship, it has become family.
I have matured a lot in drama club. And it has a greater impact on my internal self than I think. I think that a part of me would just die if the TJC drama club disbanded, but I know that our emotional bond will always be there, and we would find our own way of staying together. How often do we say something and mean it? I mean this: “I love TJC Drama club, and I love every one of its members.” Thanks for everything.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Brothers
i havent added the link yet, but there is a 1E brothers unite blog. i was just pondering over how we started it and how even though we dont really post on it that often, we still are close friends in school.
I wrote a post about nostalgia and how i missed my primar schoolmates in secondary school. yet i today felt a certain sense of longing and belonging to the 1E guys. For example, when isaac had his tablet stolen, we were all in major uproar, and we all identified with him. Or today, we discovered the absurdity of making VS a co-ed school. At first, marcus, isaac and i were just viloently discussing the change that pow chew was gonna make in VS, then eugene and kenneth joined in, all angry at that idiot for doing something so stupid and against the entire victorian tradition.
Haha, well that is just display of the guys. also, it has been like an unwritten ritual that at least 3 guys from the brudders would go have lunch together across the road at the coffeeshop. In fact, today was the first day that all 5 of 8 guys in class went across for lunch. I mean, yeah, it is a small event, and it really doesnt matter where we eat. but the thing was that we were happily chatting away, and overall just enjoying ourselves.
Same thing when we went back to school and slacked before IS. just us 5 guys in the next door classroom, and we just crapping around, laughing our ass off at the jokes that i found off the net. It was just an overall feel good kinda thing. i felt that our space was kinda invaded when YX came in, but that wasnt a strong feeling, it was just a bit weird.
I just never expected this to happen. earlier this year, i hardly interacted with the guys at all. it was only slowly after that i gt to know eugene and then marcus, and kennteth better. Isaac has always been my friend, but this is the first time in years, that i know we could sit together, and just crap around enjoying each other's company. In VS this never happened, everyone kept to themselves, and all of the students have the very Heck Care attitude. then now knowing that there are always these bunch of guys that i can talk to and enjoy myself with, it feels good.
On a side note, i guess that nick is a great guy. I mean, even though i am not like the closest guy to me, i know that he is like my lease hole in SC. i would approach eugene, but he has his own things, and i would not want to cause uproar in my own SC. Nick just has that really fun, yet really good listening attitude that maybe i can learn from.
So every aspect i kinda need something or someone to release my angst and stress. In Council, i got nick. In class, the brothers. But the thing i really want to attribute would be to my home and family, they are my release to life
I wrote a post about nostalgia and how i missed my primar schoolmates in secondary school. yet i today felt a certain sense of longing and belonging to the 1E guys. For example, when isaac had his tablet stolen, we were all in major uproar, and we all identified with him. Or today, we discovered the absurdity of making VS a co-ed school. At first, marcus, isaac and i were just viloently discussing the change that pow chew was gonna make in VS, then eugene and kenneth joined in, all angry at that idiot for doing something so stupid and against the entire victorian tradition.
Haha, well that is just display of the guys. also, it has been like an unwritten ritual that at least 3 guys from the brudders would go have lunch together across the road at the coffeeshop. In fact, today was the first day that all 5 of 8 guys in class went across for lunch. I mean, yeah, it is a small event, and it really doesnt matter where we eat. but the thing was that we were happily chatting away, and overall just enjoying ourselves.
Same thing when we went back to school and slacked before IS. just us 5 guys in the next door classroom, and we just crapping around, laughing our ass off at the jokes that i found off the net. It was just an overall feel good kinda thing. i felt that our space was kinda invaded when YX came in, but that wasnt a strong feeling, it was just a bit weird.
I just never expected this to happen. earlier this year, i hardly interacted with the guys at all. it was only slowly after that i gt to know eugene and then marcus, and kennteth better. Isaac has always been my friend, but this is the first time in years, that i know we could sit together, and just crap around enjoying each other's company. In VS this never happened, everyone kept to themselves, and all of the students have the very Heck Care attitude. then now knowing that there are always these bunch of guys that i can talk to and enjoy myself with, it feels good.
On a side note, i guess that nick is a great guy. I mean, even though i am not like the closest guy to me, i know that he is like my lease hole in SC. i would approach eugene, but he has his own things, and i would not want to cause uproar in my own SC. Nick just has that really fun, yet really good listening attitude that maybe i can learn from.
So every aspect i kinda need something or someone to release my angst and stress. In Council, i got nick. In class, the brothers. But the thing i really want to attribute would be to my home and family, they are my release to life
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Blood Boil
if you read this tomorrow, then most of you will already know of the theft incident in TJ. IT REALLY MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL TO THINK OF WHO DID THIS!
The incident is as follows.
I ended my PDP, M.A.G.I.C. and walked down to in front of the general office where i saw arvin, isaac and a few other trackkers walking around. i heard something about lost..., and that was about it. then, i approached isaac to find out what exactly had happaned. Turns out, some assh*** stole isaac's bag and took his tablet, phone and iPod from his bag. That just made my blood boil. the nerve of someone to steal in broad daylight! Whatsmore, i have known isaac for 5 years, we may not have been the best of friends, but he is my close friend, and i know that i can depend on him. for such a thing to happen, is just unthinkable, the idiot who took his bag nessed with the wrong person, i gaurentee i will do everything in my power to get that guy.
The story does not end there. the bags of Zhong ting and Kheng Sheng were reported missing too. initially isaac could not find his bag and the trackkers found it at the marquee area, near the canteen. but at that point, the tablet and valuables were gone. then now we had to locate the bags of the two soccer players, and we were enraged by the fact that so many of this was occuring, and it seemed deliberated directly at IP students. The biggest blow to all of them was the notes and the important documents in the tablet. I know how important it is. i write most of my notes in onenote, and i have all hassims slides there too. 8 months of notes and work, all gone, due to the idiocy of the group that took it.
Helpless. that is probably the most irritating feeling in the world. knowing that i could not be of great help to isaac or to zhong ting and kheng sheng, really ticked me off. also knowing that there is someone that was so screwed up and neurotic so as to steal from IP students, really got me dissed. but the helplessness i felt was so much more irritating. at that point, i put it as my personal duty to do whatever possible to help in anywae. i know that a lot of things are not within my control, but i also know that when my friends are in need, i need to be there for them, and that i can be but a friend.
To kheng sheng and zhong ting, getting the items back is our top priority. I know that you are damn pissed with the guy who did this, but rest assured, he will be caught.
To isaac, dont worry about it too much. i understand that the items were worth a lot of money, and that you are pissed and just want to get at the guys throat, but that it not an option right now. If you do need anyone to talk to, need help in getting anything, including study material and notes, you know who to look for.
and to the asshole that has taken the things, this will be your final time doing anything like this. the SC will catch you, Mr Tong will catch you, the school will catch you. You have messed with the wrong people, and have really gone too far. it is no longer just a theft, you have offended me personally. you will pay.
The incident is as follows.
I ended my PDP, M.A.G.I.C. and walked down to in front of the general office where i saw arvin, isaac and a few other trackkers walking around. i heard something about lost..., and that was about it. then, i approached isaac to find out what exactly had happaned. Turns out, some assh*** stole isaac's bag and took his tablet, phone and iPod from his bag. That just made my blood boil. the nerve of someone to steal in broad daylight! Whatsmore, i have known isaac for 5 years, we may not have been the best of friends, but he is my close friend, and i know that i can depend on him. for such a thing to happen, is just unthinkable, the idiot who took his bag nessed with the wrong person, i gaurentee i will do everything in my power to get that guy.
The story does not end there. the bags of Zhong ting and Kheng Sheng were reported missing too. initially isaac could not find his bag and the trackkers found it at the marquee area, near the canteen. but at that point, the tablet and valuables were gone. then now we had to locate the bags of the two soccer players, and we were enraged by the fact that so many of this was occuring, and it seemed deliberated directly at IP students. The biggest blow to all of them was the notes and the important documents in the tablet. I know how important it is. i write most of my notes in onenote, and i have all hassims slides there too. 8 months of notes and work, all gone, due to the idiocy of the group that took it.
Helpless. that is probably the most irritating feeling in the world. knowing that i could not be of great help to isaac or to zhong ting and kheng sheng, really ticked me off. also knowing that there is someone that was so screwed up and neurotic so as to steal from IP students, really got me dissed. but the helplessness i felt was so much more irritating. at that point, i put it as my personal duty to do whatever possible to help in anywae. i know that a lot of things are not within my control, but i also know that when my friends are in need, i need to be there for them, and that i can be but a friend.
To kheng sheng and zhong ting, getting the items back is our top priority. I know that you are damn pissed with the guy who did this, but rest assured, he will be caught.
To isaac, dont worry about it too much. i understand that the items were worth a lot of money, and that you are pissed and just want to get at the guys throat, but that it not an option right now. If you do need anyone to talk to, need help in getting anything, including study material and notes, you know who to look for.
and to the asshole that has taken the things, this will be your final time doing anything like this. the SC will catch you, Mr Tong will catch you, the school will catch you. You have messed with the wrong people, and have really gone too far. it is no longer just a theft, you have offended me personally. you will pay.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Loner
Sam has gone back to China and i cntinue with my life. Im back to doing things myself and not having to worry about someone other than myself. yeah, i noe it sounds kinda selfish, but i guess i need my own time more than i think i do.
Am I a loner? Well, i dont think so. at least i didnt think so. I always felt that i need to belong to some group or some one other than just myself. then recently i felt a wave of loneliness that i have never experienced before. I felt that i needed more than just, as kheng foo put it Hi-Bye Friends. I have many people that know me and smile at me and just say hi! and then Bye! it is nice to know that i know so many people, but i realise that i dont have anyone i can really confide in.
Then Sam came along. he was the China exchange student from TianJin. i appreciated him being here for the first few days, but i guess after a while i felt a little distant from him. I was getting kinda irritted for a while, and when he finally left, i felt sorry, but i also realised why. Sam and i have very different maturity levels. He may be mature in China, but here, we are quite different. i saw that he interacted better with my brother and my bro is pri 5. Even Wendy said it, He is like a little kid. Haha, no offence but yeah, we are more different than he thinks.
So back to the question, am i a loner? I dont want to be, but do i have to be?
I may change my template soon, the background no longer appeals to me. and i want to change myself to. i want to find a person or a group of people that i can have a nice long chat with. I like talking to Nick and Isaac, as they are more than just a face and more than just a passing friend. Nick i only known for a short while, but his sincirity is really ejoyable. Isaac, what else can i say? 5 years, and many more to come, hopefully.
Nah, i dont think i am a loner. at least if i am it is not by choice, but rather by circumstance. I rather have no friends than just fins any stranger and pour out mindless rants and gossip that are not part of my nature. I am just looking for that person/group that can understand and can bring out the best in me. yeah, still looking.
Am I a loner? Well, i dont think so. at least i didnt think so. I always felt that i need to belong to some group or some one other than just myself. then recently i felt a wave of loneliness that i have never experienced before. I felt that i needed more than just, as kheng foo put it Hi-Bye Friends. I have many people that know me and smile at me and just say hi! and then Bye! it is nice to know that i know so many people, but i realise that i dont have anyone i can really confide in.
Then Sam came along. he was the China exchange student from TianJin. i appreciated him being here for the first few days, but i guess after a while i felt a little distant from him. I was getting kinda irritted for a while, and when he finally left, i felt sorry, but i also realised why. Sam and i have very different maturity levels. He may be mature in China, but here, we are quite different. i saw that he interacted better with my brother and my bro is pri 5. Even Wendy said it, He is like a little kid. Haha, no offence but yeah, we are more different than he thinks.
So back to the question, am i a loner? I dont want to be, but do i have to be?
I may change my template soon, the background no longer appeals to me. and i want to change myself to. i want to find a person or a group of people that i can have a nice long chat with. I like talking to Nick and Isaac, as they are more than just a face and more than just a passing friend. Nick i only known for a short while, but his sincirity is really ejoyable. Isaac, what else can i say? 5 years, and many more to come, hopefully.
Nah, i dont think i am a loner. at least if i am it is not by choice, but rather by circumstance. I rather have no friends than just fins any stranger and pour out mindless rants and gossip that are not part of my nature. I am just looking for that person/group that can understand and can bring out the best in me. yeah, still looking.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Accomplishment
i just finished my course on the adventure tower, and after all the 5 items on tuesday and the current physical torment, i feel like just lying down and sleeping till tomorrow.
However, i am sure that many of the 1E/05s are gonna post about this day. why? because it was an accomplishment. im sure varun must be feeling really good. he was missing climbing intially, but during the double dual, or something like that, vaun used all his migh to pull me up.
On this note, i would like to talk about varun. i know that isaac and i like making fun of him, and he has some procrastination problems, much like me. but during that element (the term for one of the items on the adventure tower) i felt really confident in his strength. at first i was hesitatn of his strength, and comparing our sizes, we dont exactly make a good climbing pair. yet, when we locked our wrists, and he pulled as hard as he could to lift me to the next rung, i couldnt help but feel that all the cruel jokes and the offending was just chucked aside and we just focused on the taks at hand.
Haha, hopefully NS will be like this too. i know how in Scouts PLTC, we had so much good time bonding, and we really got to know each of our troop members better.
I like this phrase, friends are like tea leaves, you wont get a taste of them until they are in hot water.
overall, i have a really good feeling today. no doubt, this morning i felt groggy and lifeless, and for some reason there was a certain low demeanor this morning. yet now i feel enriched, sort of, and it feels really good.
Accomplishment is a really good feeling. after slogging it out and pusing to the limit, then when you ponder back on the event, you can't help but feel good. =)
However, i am sure that many of the 1E/05s are gonna post about this day. why? because it was an accomplishment. im sure varun must be feeling really good. he was missing climbing intially, but during the double dual, or something like that, vaun used all his migh to pull me up.
On this note, i would like to talk about varun. i know that isaac and i like making fun of him, and he has some procrastination problems, much like me. but during that element (the term for one of the items on the adventure tower) i felt really confident in his strength. at first i was hesitatn of his strength, and comparing our sizes, we dont exactly make a good climbing pair. yet, when we locked our wrists, and he pulled as hard as he could to lift me to the next rung, i couldnt help but feel that all the cruel jokes and the offending was just chucked aside and we just focused on the taks at hand.
Haha, hopefully NS will be like this too. i know how in Scouts PLTC, we had so much good time bonding, and we really got to know each of our troop members better.
I like this phrase, friends are like tea leaves, you wont get a taste of them until they are in hot water.
overall, i have a really good feeling today. no doubt, this morning i felt groggy and lifeless, and for some reason there was a certain low demeanor this morning. yet now i feel enriched, sort of, and it feels really good.
Accomplishment is a really good feeling. after slogging it out and pusing to the limit, then when you ponder back on the event, you can't help but feel good. =)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Fast paced life
I never realised how fast paced life i had. It has never occurred to me how quick life can past, and how many things i actually am doing within a week. This brings me to another point, it is already week 6 of the 3rd term, and the exams are not far away.
Recently, i have had a china exchange student from Tianjin, by the name of Sam ling, or "ling xiang". i realise how much work i am doing when i explain to him what i do, and the number of tings i have to accomplish within a day. some people realise it, but apparently i dont. i am not really sre whether this is a good sign, cuz it could mean that i enjoy the things i do a lot, and hence do not realise that time is passing when i do stuff. or it could also mean that i have no regard for time and proirities and end up not organising time well.
I do enjoy students council too, though. the constant barrage of projects and things to do, ensures that i have things to do throughout the year. however, it is also kinda distracts me from my work, also, i dont particularly enjoy the frustations and the tension i sometimes feel in council.
The pace of life is just something i have to keep in check more often. if i do not realise how much time i have b4 the exams, i also end up screwing up my results in the end. I admit that i spend a lot of time blogging and i also MSN a lot. this then results me in using this as an excuse like sometimes online i would say i am discussing council stuff.
what can i say? no offence to sam, but i guess he kinda drags me and slows me down. it is kinda ironic as when i am alone, as in before the exchange programme, i would usually spend much time alone, and lamenting on the fact that i do not have much company, yet with him around i feel like i have a lack of personal space and time. I enjoy his company and all, but i need my own space too. maybe it requires balance, i need to have a certain output like maybe some friends i can spout my nonsense to, but i also need to have time where can self reflect. that is what my blog is for.
eugene once said, imagine the world goes at this pace *pitterpatterpitterpatter*, if you go at this pace *pat pat pat* the world wont wait for you.. true, and that is where i know i cannot change the pace of my life, but i need to find more time to keep myself in check and remind myself to slow down, and relax, before i go too far.
Honestly, life is fast paced and, like a roller coaster, has its ups and downs, extreme ups and downs, but just enjoy the thrill of the ride, and do the best to make the ride enjoyable! =)
Recently, i have had a china exchange student from Tianjin, by the name of Sam ling, or "ling xiang". i realise how much work i am doing when i explain to him what i do, and the number of tings i have to accomplish within a day. some people realise it, but apparently i dont. i am not really sre whether this is a good sign, cuz it could mean that i enjoy the things i do a lot, and hence do not realise that time is passing when i do stuff. or it could also mean that i have no regard for time and proirities and end up not organising time well.
I do enjoy students council too, though. the constant barrage of projects and things to do, ensures that i have things to do throughout the year. however, it is also kinda distracts me from my work, also, i dont particularly enjoy the frustations and the tension i sometimes feel in council.
The pace of life is just something i have to keep in check more often. if i do not realise how much time i have b4 the exams, i also end up screwing up my results in the end. I admit that i spend a lot of time blogging and i also MSN a lot. this then results me in using this as an excuse like sometimes online i would say i am discussing council stuff.
what can i say? no offence to sam, but i guess he kinda drags me and slows me down. it is kinda ironic as when i am alone, as in before the exchange programme, i would usually spend much time alone, and lamenting on the fact that i do not have much company, yet with him around i feel like i have a lack of personal space and time. I enjoy his company and all, but i need my own space too. maybe it requires balance, i need to have a certain output like maybe some friends i can spout my nonsense to, but i also need to have time where can self reflect. that is what my blog is for.
eugene once said, imagine the world goes at this pace *pitterpatterpitterpatter*, if you go at this pace *pat pat pat* the world wont wait for you.. true, and that is where i know i cannot change the pace of my life, but i need to find more time to keep myself in check and remind myself to slow down, and relax, before i go too far.
Honestly, life is fast paced and, like a roller coaster, has its ups and downs, extreme ups and downs, but just enjoy the thrill of the ride, and do the best to make the ride enjoyable! =)
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