life is filled with little things. things that not many people pay attention to, but they can accumulate to a large portion of life. From the little action of saying thank you to the putting down of other people, they really do make a difference.
Perhaps i am one of those oversensitive people that like to pay attention to those small insignificant things, and i end up over criticising myself or making mountains out of molehills.
I found it funny when Ms Cheah said during the breifing for the exchange students, that some little details we overlook at home like certain practices before or after mealtime, might be offensive to some people. the particular example i found interesting was the one where she spoke of couples that divorce as they didnt know about the daily practices of his or her spouse. like even the squeezing of the toothpaste bottle from the middle or the end, could cause another trigger to the couples seperation.
I enjoy how people would send an sms after a project or meeting and say thanks for coming or talk about how productive the meeting was. I know that Nick does it all the time, and some might take it for granted, but they then feel good about the message. I try to mimic him, in value and in priciple, as i think that even if people ignore the effort or just delete the message without half a glance, it can still have a certain impact on others, and i am sure that even i enjoy the small praise for a job well done.
This just goes to show how important the little things are. however, there are times where i think i get overly agitated with certain little tricks and teases that are not supposed to mean anything. for example, i love singing, especially out loud. however, i know that i am not the best singer on earth, but that does not mean that i like people asking me to shut up. sigh... it is being over sensitive, but if the action is so minute, it is not hard to just not to say it, and it has a better impact on the receiver. another is how i dont always understand the tricks that are played on me. sorry syak, but when you purposely ignore me, and in front of others, i know that you are joking, but i just take it too much to heart. not your fault, just i too sensitive.
Maybe that is whats most important in a relationship, that as much as the big feelings are important, that one is able to live with the partner on the day to day basis and is able to live and accept and even mesh together. same for family, the little times i get to talk to my parents in the car or during dinner, or the weekends we find things to do and have fun together. without them we wont have the bond we share.
now that i talk about it, i think i really feel guilty towards my little brother. my mom tells me that i play a big part in his life and that the things i do to aggravate him strains our relationship. i just find it hard to be fair and nice to him, and i just get too irritating, it is true, i do constantly aggravate him.
little things accumulate, and they can become a big part of life. some little things hurt and some are nice, but taken for granted. we just need to looker deeper into our actions, i may not have high awareness of my physical body, but when it comes to my actions, i beleive and i hope that i have a resonable level of control over myself.
little things, become big things.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Monday, July 18, 2005
Highs and lows
the recent TA fun night was really good! i wouldn't say it was a success, but it turned out quite well. therefore, i wanna thank the 29th SC, and all that came, cuz it really could not have been done without ya guys.
i had a good time, and the most of the TASC too. the reason being that we went through the entire night with as little hiccups as possible. sure, the food ran out too quickly, and the drinks were finished by 8, but there were people that bothered to come, and they had quite a good time with all the performances (okay so the bands weren't that great) and the food ( people eat too fast >.< ).
The organising of the entire thing was not that fun, but i kinda enjoyed the night before the TA night. I noe syak kinda pissed at turnout to help the things like the frame, and backdrop, but i, ironically, enjoyed doing the bacjdrop without so many people. The people that actually stayed back to do were me, syak and yee chuin. those were the people from the TASC. but i think the people that should receive more credit would be 3 of the house caps and nick. chun kiat, raimi, benjamin and nick. thanks so much guys!!! thank you for staying back till 12 am to spray paint the back drop and do up the frame.
I particularly enjoyed the nice company of the 29s and the 2 people there which were 100% committed. the thing is that when you are with people that are driven and really want to get things done, you have that sense of acheivement. actually i was more proud that there were at least 2 more (from TASC) that were willing to help. i couldnt care less that the rest went home, i just was glad i had help.
on friday, i was just worried that we could not get things done on time. it was 3 pm, and the AV guys had not met me to setup the stuff. the decor part was doing okay, but yee chuin was very worried it wouldnt turn out nicely. the previous night most of it was still arguments, and a lot of unsettled stuff. today, everything was being rushed, and the deadline was no longer than 3 hours. then just 1 1/2? 2? hours before the fun night, we change the venue, due to the rain, and chaos just came. but we made it in good time. partially because not many people came at 6. in fact, the turnout seemed so bad that we did not officially start until 7.15, 45 mins off our initial start time.
from there things started to pick up. the turnout became better, and the things started to kick off well. the people had something to focus on and there was at least some direction to the whole thing. I think that the part i enjoyed the most had to be the end. not because it was so bad that i wanted it to end, but because of my favourite part, mass dance! here is another part where it would not have been as good without the 29th. they performed on stage, we performed on the floor, and it looked really nice. a great way to end the whole thing :D
the next day, i was tired beyond tired. my arms ached so much, i swear they were going to drop off. i just felt like sleeping the whole day. (which i did) even today, monday, my muscles still hurt and im still suffering from the fatigue of the two days.
sigh, saturday i eventually fell sick. KaX couldnt make it for the concert, and now me too. I am really sorry bib, maybe next time we treat you to a meal or something? haish, after all the hype i gave when i said i was going to go, now i feel really bad, like i betrayed her or something. it was like thursday night. i was going to stay as long as needed to do finish the backdrop, and that meant even staying over, but in the end, i called my parents, and hearing them all worried about me, my heart just sank. am i really giving too much for SC? am i losing touch of my friends, and maybe even my family? what else can i do? i have to make up for it. make everything better.
haha, now i really have lost the inspiration i had when i started. oh well, blog i shall, but of what next?
i had a good time, and the most of the TASC too. the reason being that we went through the entire night with as little hiccups as possible. sure, the food ran out too quickly, and the drinks were finished by 8, but there were people that bothered to come, and they had quite a good time with all the performances (okay so the bands weren't that great) and the food ( people eat too fast >.< ).
The organising of the entire thing was not that fun, but i kinda enjoyed the night before the TA night. I noe syak kinda pissed at turnout to help the things like the frame, and backdrop, but i, ironically, enjoyed doing the bacjdrop without so many people. The people that actually stayed back to do were me, syak and yee chuin. those were the people from the TASC. but i think the people that should receive more credit would be 3 of the house caps and nick. chun kiat, raimi, benjamin and nick. thanks so much guys!!! thank you for staying back till 12 am to spray paint the back drop and do up the frame.
I particularly enjoyed the nice company of the 29s and the 2 people there which were 100% committed. the thing is that when you are with people that are driven and really want to get things done, you have that sense of acheivement. actually i was more proud that there were at least 2 more (from TASC) that were willing to help. i couldnt care less that the rest went home, i just was glad i had help.
on friday, i was just worried that we could not get things done on time. it was 3 pm, and the AV guys had not met me to setup the stuff. the decor part was doing okay, but yee chuin was very worried it wouldnt turn out nicely. the previous night most of it was still arguments, and a lot of unsettled stuff. today, everything was being rushed, and the deadline was no longer than 3 hours. then just 1 1/2? 2? hours before the fun night, we change the venue, due to the rain, and chaos just came. but we made it in good time. partially because not many people came at 6. in fact, the turnout seemed so bad that we did not officially start until 7.15, 45 mins off our initial start time.
from there things started to pick up. the turnout became better, and the things started to kick off well. the people had something to focus on and there was at least some direction to the whole thing. I think that the part i enjoyed the most had to be the end. not because it was so bad that i wanted it to end, but because of my favourite part, mass dance! here is another part where it would not have been as good without the 29th. they performed on stage, we performed on the floor, and it looked really nice. a great way to end the whole thing :D
the next day, i was tired beyond tired. my arms ached so much, i swear they were going to drop off. i just felt like sleeping the whole day. (which i did) even today, monday, my muscles still hurt and im still suffering from the fatigue of the two days.
sigh, saturday i eventually fell sick. KaX couldnt make it for the concert, and now me too. I am really sorry bib, maybe next time we treat you to a meal or something? haish, after all the hype i gave when i said i was going to go, now i feel really bad, like i betrayed her or something. it was like thursday night. i was going to stay as long as needed to do finish the backdrop, and that meant even staying over, but in the end, i called my parents, and hearing them all worried about me, my heart just sank. am i really giving too much for SC? am i losing touch of my friends, and maybe even my family? what else can i do? i have to make up for it. make everything better.
haha, now i really have lost the inspiration i had when i started. oh well, blog i shall, but of what next?
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Fragility
A brave front is a cover up, or even a facade to hide the more fragile emotions of the heart. It helps to shirk any direct or indirect attack on the things that we deem more "touchy" and sensitive.
Jokers are usually people that put up a really strong front, bullies, loud people and most outstanding characters that make a lot of noise and are overall, involving in everyone elses business but themselves. It is just a matter of directing our own thoughts to anyone else but ourselves.
Im not sure if i put a front, but i know that i definitely put up a front, to quite a large extent, in class. At home, i have the comfort of my parents, and i know that they, i can always confide in. I guess i am really lucky. i dont realise what a good relationship i have with my parents. i see people like yee chuin, she seems to have a very good relationship with her mom. Then i stop and think about some of my other friends. i hope you dont mind syakirah, but you reminded me on how lucky i am to have my parents and the bond that my parents and i share. At least syak has circumstances, and she has the desire and want, to get closer to her mom. i know of some that dont tell their parents anything. He is not only losing the bond between him and his parents, but he risks making the wrong choices, and the parents not being there to understand as they dont know what is going on in his life. So yeah, i am really lucky, and i am glad my home is a sanctuary where i do not have to put up the facade that i do in school.
In school, it is a slightly different ball game. the thing is that in school you are dealing with peers and thiers and my own immaturity. my mom likes to complain/joke that when you confide in your friends in everything, it could be a case of "the blind leading the blind". It is true, how much have we experienced in this short span of 15 years? compare their experience to yours, close to 2.5 time your lifetime. So in school and in class, everyone puts up a front, be it thicker or thinner.
So, what about the front? well, i am not sure about my front. sometimes, i just want to be that big carefree fun guy, that is over enthu and is slightly psychotic. Yet, there are many times i want to be mature about things and am not able to get the repsect and understanding of others. My front is inconsistent and varies so much that sometimes i lose who i am, and become one of those zombies that rattles on mindlessly without an end.
i actually entitled this post "fragility", i wanted to take about the inner and the outer me and how it differs, too bad that i harped so much on the outer.
with regards to the inside. i guess there really isnt much to be said. i am still at the age where i am still finding myself. easily influenced and quite gullible sometimes. and i guess that it is now where we try to make as many friends and as diversely connected as possible. Yes, i am finding myself. but with that, we are then letting ourselves be very open, and risk the possibility of getting seriously hurt. betrayal is one of the sad killers of trust. Cynicism is increasing amongst people my age and it sometimes gets quite unnerving. What can i say, isnt that what the front is for? it is mostly comprising of cynicism and other things add on to make our demeanor overall unstable, and eventually unsure of ourselves. what i am saying is that, with everyone taking everything so negatively, where is the fun of life, and the joy of optimism.
well, i am very easily affected even tho it is not shown on my face. i get hurt by the stupidest things and even insults when i know i shouldnt be taking to heart. it is not things like "you're fat" or "you're dumb". but things that hurt are those that make sense, and try to lower self confidence.
So the outer, well, most of it just a combination of the outgoing-ness of my inner self. my inner self is mostly a mystery. the whole thing is me. me.
Jokers are usually people that put up a really strong front, bullies, loud people and most outstanding characters that make a lot of noise and are overall, involving in everyone elses business but themselves. It is just a matter of directing our own thoughts to anyone else but ourselves.
Im not sure if i put a front, but i know that i definitely put up a front, to quite a large extent, in class. At home, i have the comfort of my parents, and i know that they, i can always confide in. I guess i am really lucky. i dont realise what a good relationship i have with my parents. i see people like yee chuin, she seems to have a very good relationship with her mom. Then i stop and think about some of my other friends. i hope you dont mind syakirah, but you reminded me on how lucky i am to have my parents and the bond that my parents and i share. At least syak has circumstances, and she has the desire and want, to get closer to her mom. i know of some that dont tell their parents anything. He is not only losing the bond between him and his parents, but he risks making the wrong choices, and the parents not being there to understand as they dont know what is going on in his life. So yeah, i am really lucky, and i am glad my home is a sanctuary where i do not have to put up the facade that i do in school.
In school, it is a slightly different ball game. the thing is that in school you are dealing with peers and thiers and my own immaturity. my mom likes to complain/joke that when you confide in your friends in everything, it could be a case of "the blind leading the blind". It is true, how much have we experienced in this short span of 15 years? compare their experience to yours, close to 2.5 time your lifetime. So in school and in class, everyone puts up a front, be it thicker or thinner.
So, what about the front? well, i am not sure about my front. sometimes, i just want to be that big carefree fun guy, that is over enthu and is slightly psychotic. Yet, there are many times i want to be mature about things and am not able to get the repsect and understanding of others. My front is inconsistent and varies so much that sometimes i lose who i am, and become one of those zombies that rattles on mindlessly without an end.
i actually entitled this post "fragility", i wanted to take about the inner and the outer me and how it differs, too bad that i harped so much on the outer.
with regards to the inside. i guess there really isnt much to be said. i am still at the age where i am still finding myself. easily influenced and quite gullible sometimes. and i guess that it is now where we try to make as many friends and as diversely connected as possible. Yes, i am finding myself. but with that, we are then letting ourselves be very open, and risk the possibility of getting seriously hurt. betrayal is one of the sad killers of trust. Cynicism is increasing amongst people my age and it sometimes gets quite unnerving. What can i say, isnt that what the front is for? it is mostly comprising of cynicism and other things add on to make our demeanor overall unstable, and eventually unsure of ourselves. what i am saying is that, with everyone taking everything so negatively, where is the fun of life, and the joy of optimism.
well, i am very easily affected even tho it is not shown on my face. i get hurt by the stupidest things and even insults when i know i shouldnt be taking to heart. it is not things like "you're fat" or "you're dumb". but things that hurt are those that make sense, and try to lower self confidence.
So the outer, well, most of it just a combination of the outgoing-ness of my inner self. my inner self is mostly a mystery. the whole thing is me. me.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Missing, nostalgia
Coming back to school after the 4 weeks, i saw all the people that i missed during the hols. people like shouvik, jiayi, amanda, aqil, and the list can go on. i was then reminded of my sec school peeps that i visited during the VIP openhouse yesterday (sat). last but not least i remind myself of the primary school ex-ro, and how i will be meeting them at habibah's guitar concert.
the first week i met all the usual classmates, and i think my previous posts on the class issues pretty much said it all. then i started to see the 29th SC ppl. the first week they had JCT's so their times were irregular, but now i see them all again! and am allowed to hang out together with them in the SC room. btw, the electronic signboard outside the SC room is now so cool, with it saying "Temasek Junior College 29th and 1st TA Students Council". that is just soo kewl! it is a pride thing =D
well, these people are easy to stay in contact with. they are in the same school, but people like leon, sean, and the 2K VSGEP'05, these people may be just down the road, but their schedule is tight and so is mine, we have barely enuf time to chat online! and it is not just the VS GEP, but practically all my friends in GEP. we used to be able to hang out together after/during inter-gep activities, but now there are no "inter-IP" activities, and it is quite dissapointing not seeing everyone again.
our schedules are just choking! I have not chatted with Xinyi for close to 7 months, and it was so nice to chat with her again recently. Just a simple "good morning :)" in the morning, made my day. still, our work is piling up, and getting quite stressful for all IP schools, in fact i see the most people online at 11pm, cuz they are rushing their work!
I think out of all the groups that i have mentioned, the people i really want to keep in contact with are the Ex-Ro (Ex-Rosythians of 2002). we shared 3 years of schooling together, and then we shared more time during the inter-GEP events in secondary school, i feel really luck that we had such chances to keep together in secondary school.
So now i am trying to talk to them again, even with their bz schedule, hence i think it is important that i go for the guitar concert. I dont get it. how is it that we lose touch so easily? sigh... i miss them.
well, i guess that it was inevitable before i started talking about isaac. like a venn diagram, he is the only guy that is in the middle, where all three intersect. he is just that quiet, weird guy that i have friended, hated, and rivalled against for 5 years. it is weird that we have been in the same class for so long. but it is also good to know that there is some guy that knows all the things i am talking about, the people i am referring to and the things that happened. alter ego: xtian. good advise on my tagboard that i would not have expected from him. he has changed, i have changed, friends? maybe. but surely, he will be unforgettable, and someone i know i can respect. to isaac, thanks.
ciao
the first week i met all the usual classmates, and i think my previous posts on the class issues pretty much said it all. then i started to see the 29th SC ppl. the first week they had JCT's so their times were irregular, but now i see them all again! and am allowed to hang out together with them in the SC room. btw, the electronic signboard outside the SC room is now so cool, with it saying "Temasek Junior College 29th and 1st TA Students Council". that is just soo kewl! it is a pride thing =D
well, these people are easy to stay in contact with. they are in the same school, but people like leon, sean, and the 2K VSGEP'05, these people may be just down the road, but their schedule is tight and so is mine, we have barely enuf time to chat online! and it is not just the VS GEP, but practically all my friends in GEP. we used to be able to hang out together after/during inter-gep activities, but now there are no "inter-IP" activities, and it is quite dissapointing not seeing everyone again.
our schedules are just choking! I have not chatted with Xinyi for close to 7 months, and it was so nice to chat with her again recently. Just a simple "good morning :)" in the morning, made my day. still, our work is piling up, and getting quite stressful for all IP schools, in fact i see the most people online at 11pm, cuz they are rushing their work!
I think out of all the groups that i have mentioned, the people i really want to keep in contact with are the Ex-Ro (Ex-Rosythians of 2002). we shared 3 years of schooling together, and then we shared more time during the inter-GEP events in secondary school, i feel really luck that we had such chances to keep together in secondary school.
So now i am trying to talk to them again, even with their bz schedule, hence i think it is important that i go for the guitar concert. I dont get it. how is it that we lose touch so easily? sigh... i miss them.
well, i guess that it was inevitable before i started talking about isaac. like a venn diagram, he is the only guy that is in the middle, where all three intersect. he is just that quiet, weird guy that i have friended, hated, and rivalled against for 5 years. it is weird that we have been in the same class for so long. but it is also good to know that there is some guy that knows all the things i am talking about, the people i am referring to and the things that happened. alter ego: xtian. good advise on my tagboard that i would not have expected from him. he has changed, i have changed, friends? maybe. but surely, he will be unforgettable, and someone i know i can respect. to isaac, thanks.
ciao
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Busying up and family
With the first week of school ended, i guess i wanna sum up what i have done.
The first week has been great, many changes in my life, in fact a lot has changed over the holidays as well. Maybe it is a new attitude to life, maybe it is a new liberation, but whatever the case, i am feeling good, and prepared for challenges upcoming.
Speaking of the upcoming challeges! On the 15th of july (friday), Temasek Academy is having a "TA fun night", it will be a night of fun, games and excitement! Everyone is invited to come! but remember to bring your juniors!
Yup, that is our project for this part of the term. The TASC is gonna plan the entire thing, and get up and ready, IN TWO WEEKS!!! Whew, we are going to have one hell of a time! but at least now we are going as one full force of the 12-man team!
Haha, that is exactly the kind of challeges i am talking about. Then there is the social life. as you guys can see, i have moved to the other side of class, i guess that most of it is elaborated in the previous entries.
Hence, i cant really post as frequently. i couldnt post on friday, and hence, am posting now! with so much going on in my life, i think that i am neglecting my family the most. previously my mom would joke My Son never comes home anymore!, well, that is a joke on her side, but to a certain extent it is kinda true.
In the first term, i stayed back to do my work, and mostly to spend time with people. then in the second term, i started getting really involved in things, like SC campaigning, Drama, then SC projects etc. i stayed back every day to do one thing or another. then now, the start of the third ter, and the pace is starting to pick up again. very soon, i will be back to my old schedule, and scurrying to catch with work. there is one major difference tho. I feel different about my whole course. i guess it is because of my severe thrashout during SC meeting, as well as my move to the "West side". then there is the new contacting of old friends. i feel more enriched in what i do and what needs to be done.
Im going to Habibah's guitar concert on the 16th of july, and this is cuz i have started chatting with ppl like bb and KaX and some of the ex-ro, which i have kinda ignored since sec 1. I miss those guys, and the days when we could be innocent, crazy and just fun-loving. instead, in school, we are caught up with personal image, cliques, politics, more in class than anywhere else.
I think back on what Mr tan said Friends are the new 20th century family, which i guess to a certain extent is true, but i cant help feeling that my family is the most important thing to me. I feel that my family, and most of my beleif system is based on family, and family togetherness. Most, if not all, of my family members are very family orientated. no matter what beleif, religion, we all treasure family and, know that this is the solace we all have. that is where i get confused. i love my family, and i treasure them the most, yet i am spending less and less time with them. in fact over this long weekend of 4 days (sat, sun, monday is youth day, tuesday is a TJ holiday) 2 of the days i am going out to friends' houses to do project or SC stuff.
It is a major pity. i really find it difficult to spend time with them, but then again, i could push out things, but i rather not. I see that most of the TASC are really family people. take Yee Chuin for example, we keep hearing of how she goes out with her mom, and they spend time together, same for syak, and how she still meets her mom even on weekdays (oh btw, thanks syak, for telling me some personal stuf, i feel honored that you trust me =) ). it is those little things we do that bring us closer to our families, and i learnt from amanda that we have to stay close to family.
With that, i am going to finish my work and hopefully go out with my family tonight for dinner. remember little things, add up to one great big family =D
The first week has been great, many changes in my life, in fact a lot has changed over the holidays as well. Maybe it is a new attitude to life, maybe it is a new liberation, but whatever the case, i am feeling good, and prepared for challenges upcoming.
Speaking of the upcoming challeges! On the 15th of july (friday), Temasek Academy is having a "TA fun night", it will be a night of fun, games and excitement! Everyone is invited to come! but remember to bring your juniors!
Yup, that is our project for this part of the term. The TASC is gonna plan the entire thing, and get up and ready, IN TWO WEEKS!!! Whew, we are going to have one hell of a time! but at least now we are going as one full force of the 12-man team!
Haha, that is exactly the kind of challeges i am talking about. Then there is the social life. as you guys can see, i have moved to the other side of class, i guess that most of it is elaborated in the previous entries.
Hence, i cant really post as frequently. i couldnt post on friday, and hence, am posting now! with so much going on in my life, i think that i am neglecting my family the most. previously my mom would joke My Son never comes home anymore!, well, that is a joke on her side, but to a certain extent it is kinda true.
In the first term, i stayed back to do my work, and mostly to spend time with people. then in the second term, i started getting really involved in things, like SC campaigning, Drama, then SC projects etc. i stayed back every day to do one thing or another. then now, the start of the third ter, and the pace is starting to pick up again. very soon, i will be back to my old schedule, and scurrying to catch with work. there is one major difference tho. I feel different about my whole course. i guess it is because of my severe thrashout during SC meeting, as well as my move to the "West side". then there is the new contacting of old friends. i feel more enriched in what i do and what needs to be done.
Im going to Habibah's guitar concert on the 16th of july, and this is cuz i have started chatting with ppl like bb and KaX and some of the ex-ro, which i have kinda ignored since sec 1. I miss those guys, and the days when we could be innocent, crazy and just fun-loving. instead, in school, we are caught up with personal image, cliques, politics, more in class than anywhere else.
I think back on what Mr tan said Friends are the new 20th century family, which i guess to a certain extent is true, but i cant help feeling that my family is the most important thing to me. I feel that my family, and most of my beleif system is based on family, and family togetherness. Most, if not all, of my family members are very family orientated. no matter what beleif, religion, we all treasure family and, know that this is the solace we all have. that is where i get confused. i love my family, and i treasure them the most, yet i am spending less and less time with them. in fact over this long weekend of 4 days (sat, sun, monday is youth day, tuesday is a TJ holiday) 2 of the days i am going out to friends' houses to do project or SC stuff.
It is a major pity. i really find it difficult to spend time with them, but then again, i could push out things, but i rather not. I see that most of the TASC are really family people. take Yee Chuin for example, we keep hearing of how she goes out with her mom, and they spend time together, same for syak, and how she still meets her mom even on weekdays (oh btw, thanks syak, for telling me some personal stuf, i feel honored that you trust me =) ). it is those little things we do that bring us closer to our families, and i learnt from amanda that we have to stay close to family.
With that, i am going to finish my work and hopefully go out with my family tonight for dinner. remember little things, add up to one great big family =D
Friday, July 01, 2005
blogs and such
Are good things boring? As I looked over some of my previous entries, perhaps I found of them quite bland. It is not like I am going to retract tem, but I just guess that sometimes things that are lacking in conflict and tension just becomes boring. Haha, but that does not mean I am looking for trouble, I jus guess that it is not so exciting reading a boring blog.
Hopefully I find a way of making my entries more vibrant, but I am still glad that I have this source of output to say my good and bad experiences. When starting out on my blog, I started with many heavily emotional and resentment within the words. Now that it is mostly out, I don’t have that burden floating over my head anymore. It started with ranting. Some hurt others, but that I try to clear out. That was my blog, a spouting shell, or a complaining space.
Now I post light and quite insignificant blog posts, and I wonder if I should post about my day or wait until I have surges of emotion or particularly disturbing/interesting things to talk about.
I guess that this entry is all about blogs. Mine and others. And I guess most forms of teenage expression.
Looking at MSN, its quite obvious that most of us put lovey-dovey things as our nick, if not we pose questions of life and challenge our opinions of life and living. I guess that I do that too, sometimes. Then I see some blog posts being very complicated and philosophical. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but I wonder how much to we really understand of what we are saying.
My Mom constantly tells me that I cant substantiate most of my arguments as I do not read enough and am ignorant of the world. I like to rebut and say that I am quite aware of the world, but truthfully, I really have no clue how others are living. I can hear it from friends and family, but I can only sympathise. Mr Tan is the other person that intrigues me. I would really like to see how he posts on his blog. He is aware of the world, he is a GP teacher, and has a good mastery of the English language, how does he post? Is it as rantful and ignorant as our blogs? Or is more than that?
I saw posts on blogs like Kerry’s and the old posts of mariam. Even some of Lester’s posts. I know they have good eloquence and they are good in expressing themselves in the written form. Yet there is still that limit of their own life. Yes a blog is personal recount, but it doesn’t mean that he or she has to victimise themselves.
Sighh.. even as I type this, I am quite aware that this is my expression of what I believe is mature. Based on my personal maturity capability, I try to objectify, but it still is an opinion.
Perhaps I might still post everyday (if possible) and see what I can add to my everyday life. It might end up as the soppy crap that is boring, but some of it might be good. Haha, I understand what varun means when he says that this is not light reading. I tend to go on and on, but there are some that still read my blog. I wanna say thanks. Even if you hate me and you just want to see what you can exploit of me, or if you are one of those that care for me and want to know how my life is like, and learning from my experiences, I just want you to know that I appreciate you reading this.
To end, Amanda told me this, “see this: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ […] i must keep telling the people i love that i love them”, to those that love me, I love you.
Hopefully I find a way of making my entries more vibrant, but I am still glad that I have this source of output to say my good and bad experiences. When starting out on my blog, I started with many heavily emotional and resentment within the words. Now that it is mostly out, I don’t have that burden floating over my head anymore. It started with ranting. Some hurt others, but that I try to clear out. That was my blog, a spouting shell, or a complaining space.
Now I post light and quite insignificant blog posts, and I wonder if I should post about my day or wait until I have surges of emotion or particularly disturbing/interesting things to talk about.
I guess that this entry is all about blogs. Mine and others. And I guess most forms of teenage expression.
Looking at MSN, its quite obvious that most of us put lovey-dovey things as our nick, if not we pose questions of life and challenge our opinions of life and living. I guess that I do that too, sometimes. Then I see some blog posts being very complicated and philosophical. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but I wonder how much to we really understand of what we are saying.
My Mom constantly tells me that I cant substantiate most of my arguments as I do not read enough and am ignorant of the world. I like to rebut and say that I am quite aware of the world, but truthfully, I really have no clue how others are living. I can hear it from friends and family, but I can only sympathise. Mr Tan is the other person that intrigues me. I would really like to see how he posts on his blog. He is aware of the world, he is a GP teacher, and has a good mastery of the English language, how does he post? Is it as rantful and ignorant as our blogs? Or is more than that?
I saw posts on blogs like Kerry’s and the old posts of mariam. Even some of Lester’s posts. I know they have good eloquence and they are good in expressing themselves in the written form. Yet there is still that limit of their own life. Yes a blog is personal recount, but it doesn’t mean that he or she has to victimise themselves.
Sighh.. even as I type this, I am quite aware that this is my expression of what I believe is mature. Based on my personal maturity capability, I try to objectify, but it still is an opinion.
Perhaps I might still post everyday (if possible) and see what I can add to my everyday life. It might end up as the soppy crap that is boring, but some of it might be good. Haha, I understand what varun means when he says that this is not light reading. I tend to go on and on, but there are some that still read my blog. I wanna say thanks. Even if you hate me and you just want to see what you can exploit of me, or if you are one of those that care for me and want to know how my life is like, and learning from my experiences, I just want you to know that I appreciate you reading this.
To end, Amanda told me this, “see this: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ […] i must keep telling the people i love that i love them”, to those that love me, I love you.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The change that i need
I actually posted something earlier today. but i decided that it was no onger a part of my life and so i deleted it. I guess there are some things in life we need to let go, and there was no point harbouring over it.
But i shall say what made me write it. It was a chat with Yixiu, it was about personal stuff that concerned my past. i told you yesterday that things were going to change, and i guess that part of change is letting go and exploring new facets of life. The entry was simply to negative for myself, and hence i post this now.
Today, one of the things Marcus said to me was "Welcome to the West!", that was quite funni, cuz it really shows how split the class really is. And finally, i am out of my rut in my previous seat.
I was actually a bit scared this morning. I knew that Varun would definitely object, but i dont really pay much attention to what he says. Anyway, even though yesterday i said i was going to move, i was not exactly sure if people like Wendy and Sarah would make noise about it. I was then decently surprised when they said nothing about it.
The first period was math, and i was just sitting in my corner quietly doing my math. then i was quite surprised when sarah kept turning around asking me on help and verification for her math. i guess i expected them to not really talk to me, and surprised i was. Overall, it was just easier to sit on the other side. I am not choked by some mental barrier, and people there are more responsive. I used to joke that i was the only "right person" that was loud and made a lot response to the other side, i joked that i was a immigrant :D. now it seems weird that i have gone that side.
Usually i would "psst..." loudly when there was an inside joke between me and isaac, now either cuz he is kinda hyper for these few days, or maybe we have changed, we talk like old buddies and lament about the days in rosyth and VS. it seems like this year, my overall perception of isaac has changed dramatically. looks like if we are not busy backstabbing each other, we got along quite well! XP
Maybe i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. It doesnt really matter where i sit, but i think it is the surrounding that has drastically changed. Still, in class cuz we have our cliques and our disapproval of some people, like isaac would never sit next to anyone but kenneth, or wendy sarah and nad being inseperable, and that makes changing of seat difficult. i remember at the start of the school year, i liked to move around and sit in a different seat everyday. but i think only once or twice i crossed over to the left side. then as people form stronger cliques, moving around is practically impossible.
well, i guess i could be a hpocrite and retract my words later this year. but till then, i am satisfied with my area. so that is it :D
But i shall say what made me write it. It was a chat with Yixiu, it was about personal stuff that concerned my past. i told you yesterday that things were going to change, and i guess that part of change is letting go and exploring new facets of life. The entry was simply to negative for myself, and hence i post this now.
Today, one of the things Marcus said to me was "Welcome to the West!", that was quite funni, cuz it really shows how split the class really is. And finally, i am out of my rut in my previous seat.
I was actually a bit scared this morning. I knew that Varun would definitely object, but i dont really pay much attention to what he says. Anyway, even though yesterday i said i was going to move, i was not exactly sure if people like Wendy and Sarah would make noise about it. I was then decently surprised when they said nothing about it.
The first period was math, and i was just sitting in my corner quietly doing my math. then i was quite surprised when sarah kept turning around asking me on help and verification for her math. i guess i expected them to not really talk to me, and surprised i was. Overall, it was just easier to sit on the other side. I am not choked by some mental barrier, and people there are more responsive. I used to joke that i was the only "right person" that was loud and made a lot response to the other side, i joked that i was a immigrant :D. now it seems weird that i have gone that side.
Usually i would "psst..." loudly when there was an inside joke between me and isaac, now either cuz he is kinda hyper for these few days, or maybe we have changed, we talk like old buddies and lament about the days in rosyth and VS. it seems like this year, my overall perception of isaac has changed dramatically. looks like if we are not busy backstabbing each other, we got along quite well! XP
Maybe i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. It doesnt really matter where i sit, but i think it is the surrounding that has drastically changed. Still, in class cuz we have our cliques and our disapproval of some people, like isaac would never sit next to anyone but kenneth, or wendy sarah and nad being inseperable, and that makes changing of seat difficult. i remember at the start of the school year, i liked to move around and sit in a different seat everyday. but i think only once or twice i crossed over to the left side. then as people form stronger cliques, moving around is practically impossible.
well, i guess i could be a hpocrite and retract my words later this year. but till then, i am satisfied with my area. so that is it :D
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Left and right
Finally i have migrated. i have finally moved from the right corner of the room... to the other corner :D
I have joined the race of the left side, which is interesting, cuz i have mixed feelings about moving there. I used to hang out with the people that are usually quieter in class, and those that have certain issues with the loud and boistorous people in class. perhaps another reason for sitting there was because someone else was sitting there too.
In my previous post, i mentioned how i have distanced from some people, and i just ignore and carry on with my usual behaviour. At first i did not have any inclination to move to the other side, but it is now so quiet at my corner, that i feel that i need a change of environment and change of influence in class.
I admit that one of the other reasons i sat on the other side is that i too had disagreements with some people there. but this term, and part of last term, people have changed. i am not sure if it is because we finally settled down and realising that we might have the same people for the next 4 years, or maybe cuz they have made fun, tease and exploited every part of class, that they have found it boring and diverted thier attention to more juicy ongoings. Whatever the case, the people in class are becoming a lot more decent, and maybe what they say is true, "when one door closes, another one opens up".
When i had certain disagreements with people, i think the bigger/ one of the bigger disagreements i had was with wendy and co. Wendy, Sarah and Nadiah. At first, i viewed them as an entity. they were just that "group" that i felt were the popular yet bitchy. no offence to them! that was just my first impression. It was particularly during the classroom design project, i remember butting heads with wendy at every corner. it was extremely difficult to come to a consensus or make decisions with her around.
Eventually term 1, i simply avoided talking to them and just didnt pay much attention except when they joked and talked loudly in class. after the first half of term 1, they simply quietened down, and they were not as attention demanding at the start of the year.
i didnt really notice it, but htings changed quite significantly in term 2. As a coucil nominee, i got to know some of the IP students better, and simply made a few more friends, but the more interesting group that i bonded with was with the nominees, the commited ones at least. it was quite evident from there on who were more likely to make it and who probably wouldnt. as well as this, i didnt realise that i was talking more to the people on the left side of class. for example, i bonded with eugene during the orientation camp, but he was also well liked by others and people like wendy, sarah and nad, gave him due respect. near the end of the term, i realised that even sarah talked to me, even if it was brief and mostly insignificant.
perhaps, of the 3, i got to know nad better than the rest. Nadiah was in my group for term 2. at first i was a little hesitant at working with her, but as i did, she was really friendly and really nice, not to mention hardworking. i managed to chat with her during projects and discussions, and realised that i had generalised her too much with the rest, and that she was actually just a simple girl that hangs out with her good friends.
Sarah i didnt really know, but she started talking to me a bit in term 2. she was just ranting to a group of us, about one of the nominees, and it was just those times i never notice that they might not hate me anymore.
Wendy is who i beleive is the most loud of the three. she can be funny and decent, but there i times she kinda annoys me, but not directly at me. she is the main person i disagreed with all this while, but she showed that she can be just as nice and sociable as anone else, if not more. so yeah these three are the people that i have changed my perspective of.
what really inspired me to post this was after class today (tuesday). they stayed back to clean up the class and rearrange the tables. the very people i beleived hated the class and wanted to have nothing to do with it, were cleaning it up, and thinking of ways to make the class a nicer and more appealing place. i was awakened at how they have differed from my earlier stereotype, and i was pleasantly surprised. then we got to play "I Never..." which is quite entertaining, just that i think guys are on the losing end =P.
perhaps this moving over to the left side might not be such a bad idea after all. my reasons for staying at the right side is no longer as strong, and there is nothing stopping me from going over (except maybe varun). To the new school term, i am adding a new seating plan, and a new environment (sort of). "Change is the only constant" so i am changing to my benefit!
I have joined the race of the left side, which is interesting, cuz i have mixed feelings about moving there. I used to hang out with the people that are usually quieter in class, and those that have certain issues with the loud and boistorous people in class. perhaps another reason for sitting there was because someone else was sitting there too.
In my previous post, i mentioned how i have distanced from some people, and i just ignore and carry on with my usual behaviour. At first i did not have any inclination to move to the other side, but it is now so quiet at my corner, that i feel that i need a change of environment and change of influence in class.
I admit that one of the other reasons i sat on the other side is that i too had disagreements with some people there. but this term, and part of last term, people have changed. i am not sure if it is because we finally settled down and realising that we might have the same people for the next 4 years, or maybe cuz they have made fun, tease and exploited every part of class, that they have found it boring and diverted thier attention to more juicy ongoings. Whatever the case, the people in class are becoming a lot more decent, and maybe what they say is true, "when one door closes, another one opens up".
When i had certain disagreements with people, i think the bigger/ one of the bigger disagreements i had was with wendy and co. Wendy, Sarah and Nadiah. At first, i viewed them as an entity. they were just that "group" that i felt were the popular yet bitchy. no offence to them! that was just my first impression. It was particularly during the classroom design project, i remember butting heads with wendy at every corner. it was extremely difficult to come to a consensus or make decisions with her around.
Eventually term 1, i simply avoided talking to them and just didnt pay much attention except when they joked and talked loudly in class. after the first half of term 1, they simply quietened down, and they were not as attention demanding at the start of the year.
i didnt really notice it, but htings changed quite significantly in term 2. As a coucil nominee, i got to know some of the IP students better, and simply made a few more friends, but the more interesting group that i bonded with was with the nominees, the commited ones at least. it was quite evident from there on who were more likely to make it and who probably wouldnt. as well as this, i didnt realise that i was talking more to the people on the left side of class. for example, i bonded with eugene during the orientation camp, but he was also well liked by others and people like wendy, sarah and nad, gave him due respect. near the end of the term, i realised that even sarah talked to me, even if it was brief and mostly insignificant.
perhaps, of the 3, i got to know nad better than the rest. Nadiah was in my group for term 2. at first i was a little hesitant at working with her, but as i did, she was really friendly and really nice, not to mention hardworking. i managed to chat with her during projects and discussions, and realised that i had generalised her too much with the rest, and that she was actually just a simple girl that hangs out with her good friends.
Sarah i didnt really know, but she started talking to me a bit in term 2. she was just ranting to a group of us, about one of the nominees, and it was just those times i never notice that they might not hate me anymore.
Wendy is who i beleive is the most loud of the three. she can be funny and decent, but there i times she kinda annoys me, but not directly at me. she is the main person i disagreed with all this while, but she showed that she can be just as nice and sociable as anone else, if not more. so yeah these three are the people that i have changed my perspective of.
what really inspired me to post this was after class today (tuesday). they stayed back to clean up the class and rearrange the tables. the very people i beleived hated the class and wanted to have nothing to do with it, were cleaning it up, and thinking of ways to make the class a nicer and more appealing place. i was awakened at how they have differed from my earlier stereotype, and i was pleasantly surprised. then we got to play "I Never..." which is quite entertaining, just that i think guys are on the losing end =P.
perhaps this moving over to the left side might not be such a bad idea after all. my reasons for staying at the right side is no longer as strong, and there is nothing stopping me from going over (except maybe varun). To the new school term, i am adding a new seating plan, and a new environment (sort of). "Change is the only constant" so i am changing to my benefit!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Distance
we have reached the new school term once again. this is a tet for my blog, either i will forget and neglect it, or i will be to caught up with work to update. but while it is still reasonably relaed, i will update for the few people that actually read this blog. Thank you.
In the new school term, i go back to the same situation i was before the holidays. i tried to tell myself, "things are gonna change", but will it? i hope so. The workload is not that high yet, but it soon will be. looking at the plans layed out for this term, academic-wise, it is going to be one hectic term. This however, is not my concern. i will struggle with my work, and i will try to score for tests, but that i can handle. It is the social part, that is tough.
Ever since the previous term, i have let myself distance from people. the unwillingness to deal with some people, leads to the shirking of others' input. i admit that i am trying to exclude people from my life, but at the same time, i am unwittingly excluding myself from a lot of things. I have found solace and stability in certain parts of school though. it is not going to be exactly the same as last term. from my previous post, it is quite obvious that i am feeling better about TASC and my role within it. i feel part of them now, and i just need to deal with individuals, not shy away and exclude myself from the rest of the group.
The problem with enemies is that it becomes hard to have friends of the enemy, be friends with you. to a certain extent, it is a mental barrier where there seems to be a classification that they are 'his/her friends' and that they wouldnt want to associate you with them in fear of others finding out. also there is the constant downplaying of you by the enemy. if thye can convince their friends that you are bad/evil/horrible, then you are not even given the opportunity to prove them wrong.
I am learning much from Vidhi. she is one of those people that has friends but does not have a clique. she does not need to belong as she is her own person and is able to live with that. I am still immature in this part, i still feel a need to be in a group, and that dampens my spirits when i am not. Shouvik and many others are like that too, but it is difficult to be stubborn and accepted at the same time. I guess that i need to learn to be alone. For instant, blogging without a particular audience in mind helps for me to be myself yet show my internal emotions.
I cant help thinking mr tan's comment during language arts today, "Friends are the 21st century family". I would like to beleive that, but due to my lack of accompanyment, it really seems like a thin comment. perhaps i havent found my solace yet. we will meet many people in your life, and most of htem you will not agree with, but once you find that person or that group of friends, then it will be all worthwhile. sounds a bit like a lovesick puppy, but not quite so. Even if i really do not find that "2nd family" i always have my folks. I have always been quite a family person, holding my parents and relatives quite close to me. I know that they will never let me down, and they will always be there.
So now, back to school. I have been searching for where i belong. i thought i found it in someone, but that was just a facade. continue with the search and resume to my former life, sounds philosophical, but simply is common sense.
This term is going to get a lot better, i can feel it!
In the new school term, i go back to the same situation i was before the holidays. i tried to tell myself, "things are gonna change", but will it? i hope so. The workload is not that high yet, but it soon will be. looking at the plans layed out for this term, academic-wise, it is going to be one hectic term. This however, is not my concern. i will struggle with my work, and i will try to score for tests, but that i can handle. It is the social part, that is tough.
Ever since the previous term, i have let myself distance from people. the unwillingness to deal with some people, leads to the shirking of others' input. i admit that i am trying to exclude people from my life, but at the same time, i am unwittingly excluding myself from a lot of things. I have found solace and stability in certain parts of school though. it is not going to be exactly the same as last term. from my previous post, it is quite obvious that i am feeling better about TASC and my role within it. i feel part of them now, and i just need to deal with individuals, not shy away and exclude myself from the rest of the group.
The problem with enemies is that it becomes hard to have friends of the enemy, be friends with you. to a certain extent, it is a mental barrier where there seems to be a classification that they are 'his/her friends' and that they wouldnt want to associate you with them in fear of others finding out. also there is the constant downplaying of you by the enemy. if thye can convince their friends that you are bad/evil/horrible, then you are not even given the opportunity to prove them wrong.
I am learning much from Vidhi. she is one of those people that has friends but does not have a clique. she does not need to belong as she is her own person and is able to live with that. I am still immature in this part, i still feel a need to be in a group, and that dampens my spirits when i am not. Shouvik and many others are like that too, but it is difficult to be stubborn and accepted at the same time. I guess that i need to learn to be alone. For instant, blogging without a particular audience in mind helps for me to be myself yet show my internal emotions.
I cant help thinking mr tan's comment during language arts today, "Friends are the 21st century family". I would like to beleive that, but due to my lack of accompanyment, it really seems like a thin comment. perhaps i havent found my solace yet. we will meet many people in your life, and most of htem you will not agree with, but once you find that person or that group of friends, then it will be all worthwhile. sounds a bit like a lovesick puppy, but not quite so. Even if i really do not find that "2nd family" i always have my folks. I have always been quite a family person, holding my parents and relatives quite close to me. I know that they will never let me down, and they will always be there.
So now, back to school. I have been searching for where i belong. i thought i found it in someone, but that was just a facade. continue with the search and resume to my former life, sounds philosophical, but simply is common sense.
This term is going to get a lot better, i can feel it!
Friday, June 24, 2005
Feeling better
It is the last fridya of the holidays. I am releived and yet i am struggling to finish the work that is due for the new term. However, i am in better spirits, and is more upbeat and enthusiastic about the new term.
It is particularly due to the SC meeting i had yesterday (thursday). It was our first thrash-out session, and i was finally able to throw out some of the things i have been holding in for the past half term. "judge, lest ye be judged" as much as i was criticising and ranting, i also got more insight on the problems i was having with council. from my previous posts, you could tell that i was not happy with certain things, and when you exclude yourself from such matter, you exclude yourself from the group.
All of this was thrown out during the session, and after that, i probably made a few people pissed off with me, but at the end of the day, we were all friends, and with the mindset that it was a thrashout session and not a personal attack, everyone was more open and acceptable to certain critiques and displeasures.
"Hardship pulls a team together", by identifying my/our issues, we were able to face them head on, and get it out of the way. then like Gopal said, "after that we go for kopi", the * of us then went for lunch and simply had a good time.
I cant say that i feel the most accepted in the group, but after yesterday, i feel at least i am part of them. perhaps for one simple reason. WE LOVE TO DIGRESS!! =P it is true, we are a bunch of people that can never stay on topic! from peopl, we talk about school, then to openhouse, then to other schools, then to Star Wars and then lightsabers! (they lost me there!) but it is true, when we finally get a chance to chit chat instead of bickering, it is a very pleasant group to be with!
Funny, with the workload waiting for me at home, and the tests to prepare for next term, i am feeling quite hyper about the whole thing. like Morpheous' wise words, "some things never change... ; but some things do..."
ciao! TASC rocks.
It is particularly due to the SC meeting i had yesterday (thursday). It was our first thrash-out session, and i was finally able to throw out some of the things i have been holding in for the past half term. "judge, lest ye be judged" as much as i was criticising and ranting, i also got more insight on the problems i was having with council. from my previous posts, you could tell that i was not happy with certain things, and when you exclude yourself from such matter, you exclude yourself from the group.
All of this was thrown out during the session, and after that, i probably made a few people pissed off with me, but at the end of the day, we were all friends, and with the mindset that it was a thrashout session and not a personal attack, everyone was more open and acceptable to certain critiques and displeasures.
"Hardship pulls a team together", by identifying my/our issues, we were able to face them head on, and get it out of the way. then like Gopal said, "after that we go for kopi", the * of us then went for lunch and simply had a good time.
I cant say that i feel the most accepted in the group, but after yesterday, i feel at least i am part of them. perhaps for one simple reason. WE LOVE TO DIGRESS!! =P it is true, we are a bunch of people that can never stay on topic! from peopl, we talk about school, then to openhouse, then to other schools, then to Star Wars and then lightsabers! (they lost me there!) but it is true, when we finally get a chance to chit chat instead of bickering, it is a very pleasant group to be with!
Funny, with the workload waiting for me at home, and the tests to prepare for next term, i am feeling quite hyper about the whole thing. like Morpheous' wise words, "some things never change... ; but some things do..."
ciao! TASC rocks.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Role playing
Shakespeare once said, "I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano,- a stage, where every man must play a part; and mine a sad one."
i bet that once, in everyones life, they asked themselves where they are. where are they in life, and where are they within everyone else. well, i am too young to have a mid life crisis, but i really am wondering who i am, and why i am here.
recently, i have felt very meaningless. i ask what is my role? i am "the loudspeaker" in 1984, yeah, but what am i within my friends? or in my class? or in SC? I said before i have a place in drama club, that is a place where i feel like i am somebody. i am a friend, and i am amandas da ge. but everywhere else i feel like nothing.
i say that i am just unappreciated. but is that just a delusion? do i do things which no one takes notice of? or am i just a loafer that does nothing. In SC, i am lost as to what my position is. sure, it says on the pin "Jonathan Heng - Recreation and dance" but that doesnt say anything. it does not portray who i am. it just means that other people felt that i was capable in that area and hence gave it to me. i have tried leading in other areas of my life. yet it seem that everytime i try, i fail. so now i give in, stop and listen instead of being the stubborn bull i usually am. but no it seems so lifeless. im like a rag doll. turns up for meetings, does what is neccesary, but if not, i just sit there and shut up.
class may be the worse. i have no idea why i am there at all. i just sit in the corner (literally) and answer questions when asked. i have no character in the classroom. i used to be the "funny one" or hte "clown" but now marcus has the title hands down. then for obvious reasons i cannot be the cute one (varun), the pretty one/s (syak, jane, etc.), the intelligent one/s (prerna, (and as much as i deny it) isaac) or even the dependaple one/s (sze sian). i am just that guy that people know. just. there.
Well now what? i am going back to school in about a week. i am going back to the drone of life. but what can i do? up till then, i can but carry on with life. ciao
i bet that once, in everyones life, they asked themselves where they are. where are they in life, and where are they within everyone else. well, i am too young to have a mid life crisis, but i really am wondering who i am, and why i am here.
recently, i have felt very meaningless. i ask what is my role? i am "the loudspeaker" in 1984, yeah, but what am i within my friends? or in my class? or in SC? I said before i have a place in drama club, that is a place where i feel like i am somebody. i am a friend, and i am amandas da ge. but everywhere else i feel like nothing.
i say that i am just unappreciated. but is that just a delusion? do i do things which no one takes notice of? or am i just a loafer that does nothing. In SC, i am lost as to what my position is. sure, it says on the pin "Jonathan Heng - Recreation and dance" but that doesnt say anything. it does not portray who i am. it just means that other people felt that i was capable in that area and hence gave it to me. i have tried leading in other areas of my life. yet it seem that everytime i try, i fail. so now i give in, stop and listen instead of being the stubborn bull i usually am. but no it seems so lifeless. im like a rag doll. turns up for meetings, does what is neccesary, but if not, i just sit there and shut up.
class may be the worse. i have no idea why i am there at all. i just sit in the corner (literally) and answer questions when asked. i have no character in the classroom. i used to be the "funny one" or hte "clown" but now marcus has the title hands down. then for obvious reasons i cannot be the cute one (varun), the pretty one/s (syak, jane, etc.), the intelligent one/s (prerna, (and as much as i deny it) isaac) or even the dependaple one/s (sze sian). i am just that guy that people know. just. there.
Well now what? i am going back to school in about a week. i am going back to the drone of life. but what can i do? up till then, i can but carry on with life. ciao
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Father's day
happy father's day to my father, my grandfather, and to all hte father's of teh world.
i am not really one of those suckers that beleive we shouoould worship days such as father's and mother's day. yet i will still celebrate it as a thanks to my parents for all they give me.
on mother's day, i totally forgot it! it was not till the night before that i planned to make breakfast for the family. It turned out very well. i made omelettes, french toast and fryed up sausages for my folks. this time i bought carrot cake the previous night (the huge block of kueh, not the pre made one! =D ) then this morning, i helped to fry it up for the breakfast of my Dad. okay so it didnt taste the best, (it was too salty! >.<) but my dad was glad that i took the trouble.
i would like to take this time to reflect on my paternal grandfather. 2 years ago, during the SARS period. my granparents were warded into the hospital for a suspected case of SARS. it wasn't long after my march school holidays, and i was to stay at home for quarantine. my father went through a lot those few weeks. it was his parents in the ward, and we were not even allowed to see them. even after they passed away, we could not hold a proper wake or even visit the body. to prevent contamination, they were cremated immedietly. the impact during that time was immense, as we did not expect it. my grandmother had already been diagnosed with diabetes, a few years back. if she had passed on, we would have blamed it on her weak body and her low immune system. the one we were more shocked by was my grandfather. he was still healthy and had only been ill the few days. this time SARS really took the lives of my loved ones.
i wonder if my father misses them. im sure he does, but how does he live with it? i guess this father's day means a lot to him. i got to spend it with my father, my mom got to spend it with her father. my father? his parents are gone. one of his brothers recently migrated. he has very little, but this little, is a lot. my maternal grandparents have said it before, "we treat him like a son. he behaves better than even my own son!"
on this evening of this day. i wanna say to my Dad, "thank you for all you have given me, and i love you"
i am not really one of those suckers that beleive we shouoould worship days such as father's and mother's day. yet i will still celebrate it as a thanks to my parents for all they give me.
on mother's day, i totally forgot it! it was not till the night before that i planned to make breakfast for the family. It turned out very well. i made omelettes, french toast and fryed up sausages for my folks. this time i bought carrot cake the previous night (the huge block of kueh, not the pre made one! =D ) then this morning, i helped to fry it up for the breakfast of my Dad. okay so it didnt taste the best, (it was too salty! >.<) but my dad was glad that i took the trouble.
i would like to take this time to reflect on my paternal grandfather. 2 years ago, during the SARS period. my granparents were warded into the hospital for a suspected case of SARS. it wasn't long after my march school holidays, and i was to stay at home for quarantine. my father went through a lot those few weeks. it was his parents in the ward, and we were not even allowed to see them. even after they passed away, we could not hold a proper wake or even visit the body. to prevent contamination, they were cremated immedietly. the impact during that time was immense, as we did not expect it. my grandmother had already been diagnosed with diabetes, a few years back. if she had passed on, we would have blamed it on her weak body and her low immune system. the one we were more shocked by was my grandfather. he was still healthy and had only been ill the few days. this time SARS really took the lives of my loved ones.
i wonder if my father misses them. im sure he does, but how does he live with it? i guess this father's day means a lot to him. i got to spend it with my father, my mom got to spend it with her father. my father? his parents are gone. one of his brothers recently migrated. he has very little, but this little, is a lot. my maternal grandparents have said it before, "we treat him like a son. he behaves better than even my own son!"
on this evening of this day. i wanna say to my Dad, "thank you for all you have given me, and i love you"
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Slump, again
im becoming the sloth and scum that i keep turning into in the 2nd half of every year.
it happens all the time. every time i am in a new environment i will be really enthusiastic for a while, in this case 6 months, then i will just start slacking. It is just part of me. i am hardly ever focused and always degenerating into the same slump. they say that we learn from our mistakes and never commit them again, but how many times have i fallen back into the same rut.
in fact to a lot of things that i do, i am inconsistent. take my blog for example. i am running out of things to blog about, and very soon i will ignore this blog and not post for a long time.
However till that time, i will just continue. back to the topic of slacking.
Perhaps this time it will be different. at least that is what i hope for it to be. I have more support now. I have friends spurring me on, unlike in VS where we shun the good and humiliate the weak. Now i have a role to live up to, not that assistant monitor is not a good title. I need a start, and when i reboot i will be on full drive again.
what else can i say? it is, after all, a personal drive. fun again games need to be rescheduled and hard work has to come down strong and hard.
That is it. this post was uninspired, and flat. till the next post, cya.
it happens all the time. every time i am in a new environment i will be really enthusiastic for a while, in this case 6 months, then i will just start slacking. It is just part of me. i am hardly ever focused and always degenerating into the same slump. they say that we learn from our mistakes and never commit them again, but how many times have i fallen back into the same rut.
in fact to a lot of things that i do, i am inconsistent. take my blog for example. i am running out of things to blog about, and very soon i will ignore this blog and not post for a long time.
However till that time, i will just continue. back to the topic of slacking.
Perhaps this time it will be different. at least that is what i hope for it to be. I have more support now. I have friends spurring me on, unlike in VS where we shun the good and humiliate the weak. Now i have a role to live up to, not that assistant monitor is not a good title. I need a start, and when i reboot i will be on full drive again.
what else can i say? it is, after all, a personal drive. fun again games need to be rescheduled and hard work has to come down strong and hard.
That is it. this post was uninspired, and flat. till the next post, cya.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Religion
the last few days, i spent time with my family and doing things that are close to our hearts.
it is interesting, as i have experienced so much of God over the past week/s that i forget where my roots were. I was even prepared to go to the camp echo and sunday service. however, i had other family things to do, and i was not feeling well today, so i decided against it.
On saturday, i went to the temple with my relatives (father's side) to pay respects to my grand and great-grand parents. I lost both my grandparents to SARS 2 years back, and i still am reminded of them everytime i go to temple. It was during this saturday when i got some time to chat with my mom and discuss things that i faced this week. I guess that the main thing on my mind was religion. after the church camp and the talk i had with nicholas, i just kept thinking about God and my relationship with him.
i am quite firm in my postion in religion. yet i realise i am eing firm in a very shaky beleif of religion. my mom manged to clear all of that out by discussing it with me.
My family leans to the christian religion more than any other religion. yet there are things we do not totally agree with and hence we do not go to church. i just want to say that whatever i say here i do not mean to offend anyone, just showing my opinions, kay'! ^-^. anyway, i learnt much about my household. my mom told me respected different religions at different points of her life, and hence she keeps an open mind to all religions. the thing that interested me the most was during her stay in England. She attended a certain "gethering", of sorts, known as "Agnostics Anonymous". they were a group that gathered to discuss about God and religion.
agnostic:
1. One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
2. One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true
i realise that if i were to say i had a religion, i would say that i am an agnostic. i found it quite funny when my mom told me that when she went for agnostic anonymous, they would start a prayer with, "Dear God, if you exist..." that was particularly interesting, for me, as i said the same thing when i prayed to God tellingh im it was not my time to convert.
well, i realise that this is my life. i keep my interest to family. i am very family orientated. no matter what it is, i treasure my parents, relatives, and yes, even my little brother. and this goes out ot my second family too. i do treasure them most, and my religion is a personal relationship with God, no one can/should tell me what i should decide to beleive. yeah.
it is interesting, as i have experienced so much of God over the past week/s that i forget where my roots were. I was even prepared to go to the camp echo and sunday service. however, i had other family things to do, and i was not feeling well today, so i decided against it.
On saturday, i went to the temple with my relatives (father's side) to pay respects to my grand and great-grand parents. I lost both my grandparents to SARS 2 years back, and i still am reminded of them everytime i go to temple. It was during this saturday when i got some time to chat with my mom and discuss things that i faced this week. I guess that the main thing on my mind was religion. after the church camp and the talk i had with nicholas, i just kept thinking about God and my relationship with him.
i am quite firm in my postion in religion. yet i realise i am eing firm in a very shaky beleif of religion. my mom manged to clear all of that out by discussing it with me.
My family leans to the christian religion more than any other religion. yet there are things we do not totally agree with and hence we do not go to church. i just want to say that whatever i say here i do not mean to offend anyone, just showing my opinions, kay'! ^-^. anyway, i learnt much about my household. my mom told me respected different religions at different points of her life, and hence she keeps an open mind to all religions. the thing that interested me the most was during her stay in England. She attended a certain "gethering", of sorts, known as "Agnostics Anonymous". they were a group that gathered to discuss about God and religion.
agnostic:
1. One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
2. One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true
i realise that if i were to say i had a religion, i would say that i am an agnostic. i found it quite funny when my mom told me that when she went for agnostic anonymous, they would start a prayer with, "Dear God, if you exist..." that was particularly interesting, for me, as i said the same thing when i prayed to God tellingh im it was not my time to convert.
well, i realise that this is my life. i keep my interest to family. i am very family orientated. no matter what it is, i treasure my parents, relatives, and yes, even my little brother. and this goes out ot my second family too. i do treasure them most, and my religion is a personal relationship with God, no one can/should tell me what i should decide to beleive. yeah.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
2nd family bbq with drama peeps
i went for a post production party with drama peeps on friday, and i really had a lot of fun.
now that the production is over, it really is a load off all our minds. for the past months we have been struggling to make sure that our play would be perfect for performance day. I can't say that i was absolutely happy with the result, but it was really a memorable experience i will never forget.
finally, we are back to the slackers that we are, and we took time to just sit back, relax, and beam in accomplishment what we have done for drama. we are like a 2nd family. we went through the tough time together, and now we share the fruits of our labour!
well, we met at east coast park and i got horribly lost. i took the best all the way to VS, only to find out that the pit is aaaalllll the way at big splash. oh well, take it as a relaxing walk to whet my appetite! haha! well, i met vidhi, leandra, nur and few of the rest along the way, and at the pit, amanda, terence, gwen, and of course everyone's favorite... JINFU! haha. but really jinfu is a really nice guy!! he is just soo fun to be around, but i think he was not feeling well or smthn, cuz he was really quiet >.<
well, in any case, we played games before the bbq, and i have no idea how they come up with such games. the first (and only memorable one) was the blindfolded three-legged race. we were blindfolded and tied by the legs to the partner which we did not know, and then we were supposed to cross the finish line without talking. well, i think i kinda knew who my partner was after a minute of being tied next to her. cuz gwen was the only other girl that was sleeveless, and i just some how knew? anywae it was funny for other pairs. for example. VIDHI! omg she was sooo noisy, anyone that who was her partner could tell, but the thing was that it was hard to find her a partner! i quote nur, "VIDHI! STOP GROPING YOUR PARTNER!" well that;s vidhi. Jinfu, must have been really hungry, the poor fellow was eating his sandwiches blind folded! geez, even i am not that greedy... (maybe i am...>.<)
It isnt a beach party unless there is dunking and getting WET! hahaz, well yeah, that is the main point of going to the beach, just jump into the water and have fun! it was fun just throwing people in, and i am happy to say, that no one dunked me! (cuz i too heavy to carry! XP) but it was nice after that, just relaxing and chatting. i talk to my drama friends about everything. we are really nice to each other, and we are never afraid to share our problems with each other. perhaps of people like vidhi, jinfu and even shouvik, they just give that good vibe that makes people feel comfortable.
I like to treat drama as my second family. not some deranged crazy family tree thing like the 29th (pearl told me all about how her "boyfriend" has a thing for tuan), but the drama people are just close. maybe it is bbecause of the production, or maybe its just the people. all in all, i enjoy their company, and it is nice to know that there is always a group i can turn to. =D
well, to all the drama peeps that read this. i just wanna say, I LOVE YA GUYS! *muacks =D lol
now that the production is over, it really is a load off all our minds. for the past months we have been struggling to make sure that our play would be perfect for performance day. I can't say that i was absolutely happy with the result, but it was really a memorable experience i will never forget.
finally, we are back to the slackers that we are, and we took time to just sit back, relax, and beam in accomplishment what we have done for drama. we are like a 2nd family. we went through the tough time together, and now we share the fruits of our labour!
well, we met at east coast park and i got horribly lost. i took the best all the way to VS, only to find out that the pit is aaaalllll the way at big splash. oh well, take it as a relaxing walk to whet my appetite! haha! well, i met vidhi, leandra, nur and few of the rest along the way, and at the pit, amanda, terence, gwen, and of course everyone's favorite... JINFU! haha. but really jinfu is a really nice guy!! he is just soo fun to be around, but i think he was not feeling well or smthn, cuz he was really quiet >.<
well, in any case, we played games before the bbq, and i have no idea how they come up with such games. the first (and only memorable one) was the blindfolded three-legged race. we were blindfolded and tied by the legs to the partner which we did not know, and then we were supposed to cross the finish line without talking. well, i think i kinda knew who my partner was after a minute of being tied next to her. cuz gwen was the only other girl that was sleeveless, and i just some how knew? anywae it was funny for other pairs. for example. VIDHI! omg she was sooo noisy, anyone that who was her partner could tell, but the thing was that it was hard to find her a partner! i quote nur, "VIDHI! STOP GROPING YOUR PARTNER!" well that;s vidhi. Jinfu, must have been really hungry, the poor fellow was eating his sandwiches blind folded! geez, even i am not that greedy... (maybe i am...>.<)
It isnt a beach party unless there is dunking and getting WET! hahaz, well yeah, that is the main point of going to the beach, just jump into the water and have fun! it was fun just throwing people in, and i am happy to say, that no one dunked me! (cuz i too heavy to carry! XP) but it was nice after that, just relaxing and chatting. i talk to my drama friends about everything. we are really nice to each other, and we are never afraid to share our problems with each other. perhaps of people like vidhi, jinfu and even shouvik, they just give that good vibe that makes people feel comfortable.
I like to treat drama as my second family. not some deranged crazy family tree thing like the 29th (pearl told me all about how her "boyfriend" has a thing for tuan), but the drama people are just close. maybe it is bbecause of the production, or maybe its just the people. all in all, i enjoy their company, and it is nice to know that there is always a group i can turn to. =D
well, to all the drama peeps that read this. i just wanna say, I LOVE YA GUYS! *muacks =D lol
Thursday, June 09, 2005
expectations
after a while, people get generalised. we are taken for granted by other people, both in actions and in attitude.
If you know someone for a while, then talk to them a few years later, they would tell you how much you have changed. however, if you know someone everyday, he would not notice the change unless someone points it out. this is due to one thing, expectations.
expectations of a person can change. expectations for a group may change, but how long will it take to change?
i can't really say how it is to be in SC, but i do say it is stressful. not just the work but hte people. We are a bunch of new, fresh, unsure bunch of kids. yet the expectations for us is higher than maybe even the 29th council. i say this not in terms of adults. in fact it is our personal expectatiations we are trying to live up to, that makes it so stressful.
no offence to YC, but we are just trying to make our TASC seem so perfect and great that everyone will look up to. It is not easy. and it sometimes is internally conflicting. for example. if we are not unified, we still need to "look" unified, as then we can show the students that we are. also, we are not supposed to segregate ourselves from the cohort, yet we are supposed to be unified, we cannot be a group if we worry about being a group that seperates us.
i'm just ranting as it seems like the TASC is not what i expected it to be. i was soo excited when i became a councillor, yet now i feel so weighed by it. do not misunderstand me. i enjoy the organising and conducting things. but it is just not enjoyable to do the things anymore. we are meant to do all these for the IP cohort as we hope that they as well as us will enjoy it.
i guess it becomes kinda sad when you dont enjoy what you are doing. and i am not enjoying what i am doing. work does come first, but that does not mean that it has to be boring. work is only as boring as you make it. if you force it into a strict and rigid conform, it will become boring for everyone, but if you spice it up, make it a challenge, a game, and adventure, it makes it worthwhile for everyone.
i really envy the 29th council. i do not just "really" envy them, i really reall really envy them. Pearl once told me, the councillors are a clique. they are just one really big clique. they do things together and hang out together. why? because it is fun! because they share good and bad times. they are not just a SC, they are friends. and that is something to be envied. when everyone you work with is a true friend, that is a blessing.
i guess i dont have much to say left. i just wanna treasure my friends. Drama, 29th, church, ex-ro, VS, etc. just having fun together, when we can.
smile a little, laugh a lot, and just go crazy! haha =P
If you know someone for a while, then talk to them a few years later, they would tell you how much you have changed. however, if you know someone everyday, he would not notice the change unless someone points it out. this is due to one thing, expectations.
expectations of a person can change. expectations for a group may change, but how long will it take to change?
i can't really say how it is to be in SC, but i do say it is stressful. not just the work but hte people. We are a bunch of new, fresh, unsure bunch of kids. yet the expectations for us is higher than maybe even the 29th council. i say this not in terms of adults. in fact it is our personal expectatiations we are trying to live up to, that makes it so stressful.
no offence to YC, but we are just trying to make our TASC seem so perfect and great that everyone will look up to. It is not easy. and it sometimes is internally conflicting. for example. if we are not unified, we still need to "look" unified, as then we can show the students that we are. also, we are not supposed to segregate ourselves from the cohort, yet we are supposed to be unified, we cannot be a group if we worry about being a group that seperates us.
i'm just ranting as it seems like the TASC is not what i expected it to be. i was soo excited when i became a councillor, yet now i feel so weighed by it. do not misunderstand me. i enjoy the organising and conducting things. but it is just not enjoyable to do the things anymore. we are meant to do all these for the IP cohort as we hope that they as well as us will enjoy it.
i guess it becomes kinda sad when you dont enjoy what you are doing. and i am not enjoying what i am doing. work does come first, but that does not mean that it has to be boring. work is only as boring as you make it. if you force it into a strict and rigid conform, it will become boring for everyone, but if you spice it up, make it a challenge, a game, and adventure, it makes it worthwhile for everyone.
i really envy the 29th council. i do not just "really" envy them, i really reall really envy them. Pearl once told me, the councillors are a clique. they are just one really big clique. they do things together and hang out together. why? because it is fun! because they share good and bad times. they are not just a SC, they are friends. and that is something to be envied. when everyone you work with is a true friend, that is a blessing.
i guess i dont have much to say left. i just wanna treasure my friends. Drama, 29th, church, ex-ro, VS, etc. just having fun together, when we can.
smile a little, laugh a lot, and just go crazy! haha =P
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
I'm back!
Hi guys! im finally back from camp, and the camp was really funn :P!
i checked my tagboard, and as i expected, SPAM. no surprise. always happens. but anyway, i understand that people are reacting negatively to my posts. well, if it affects you so much that you need to spam my tagboard, then, for goodness sake! dont read it!
Okay, back to more important things. The camp was great! met a whole bunch of new people, such as : Marcus, Ming song, Daniel, Kwee Hong, Elson, Suat ting, Cindy, Amanda, Zhong yun, Wenyuan and ling ling jie! and of course there was Vivien, who invited me to the camp! They were great fun, some were lame and crappy like me! and some were just plain crazy! Hahaz!
Over the 5 days i really learn a lot from them, as well as from the rest of the camp. it was both spiritually enriching, as well as personally developing. the team work part was essential, and some times we had it (but most of the time it was a bit shaky). I enjoyed the Praise and Worship Session, enjoyed it ALOT! the whole camp would come together about twice a day to sing their lungs out with the band. some of the songs really touched me and im sure i wasn't the only one. i loved songs like "Above All" and "So you would come"
"Above all"
Above all powers, above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began
Above all kingdoms, above all thrones
Above all wonders the world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure what You're worth
Crucified, laid behind the stone
You lived to die, rejected and alone
Like a rose trampled on the ground
You took the fall and thought of me
Above all
well, this might be my ultimate favorite. i know one of my friends that reacted really emotionally to this song. it just means so much, sacrifice, and love.
I really thank vivien for inviting me to this camp. i do feel guilty of going through this camp and disappointing some by not converting. but i am not ready, i have my own views of the world, and it is not my time to become a Christian. However, through the 5 days, i have learnt a lot about the values and beliefs of christians. I saw a lot i could learn from them, even if i am not Christian.
I cant say that the camp was perfect, cuz then i would be lying. and there were points where i felt uncomfortable. It was during day 3/4, more during day 4. i felt very uncomfortable when they asked for those who wanted to "accept Christ", or in other words, convert. I have said that i was not going to, but all the other non-Christians in my group all decided to convert, and i felt very very awkward. i silently prayed to the lord that if he did exist, that he would understand that it was not my time, and that maybe it might happen one day, and maybe it may not. So i hope everyone understands.
apart from that, it was basically fun all the way. the various games were intriguing, such as "CSI: project mew" and the "amazing race". to have fun, and to share it with a bunch of good friends, that was the best.
well now that it is over, i am a little disappointed, but i still have the contacts of friends and still we share the memories of the past few days. Maybe one of these days we can go out for a lunch or something? haha yeah!
One more thing before i sign off.... DUMPERS RAWK!!! :P
i checked my tagboard, and as i expected, SPAM. no surprise. always happens. but anyway, i understand that people are reacting negatively to my posts. well, if it affects you so much that you need to spam my tagboard, then, for goodness sake! dont read it!
Okay, back to more important things. The camp was great! met a whole bunch of new people, such as : Marcus, Ming song, Daniel, Kwee Hong, Elson, Suat ting, Cindy, Amanda, Zhong yun, Wenyuan and ling ling jie! and of course there was Vivien, who invited me to the camp! They were great fun, some were lame and crappy like me! and some were just plain crazy! Hahaz!
Over the 5 days i really learn a lot from them, as well as from the rest of the camp. it was both spiritually enriching, as well as personally developing. the team work part was essential, and some times we had it (but most of the time it was a bit shaky). I enjoyed the Praise and Worship Session, enjoyed it ALOT! the whole camp would come together about twice a day to sing their lungs out with the band. some of the songs really touched me and im sure i wasn't the only one. i loved songs like "Above All" and "So you would come"
"Above all"
Above all powers, above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began
Above all kingdoms, above all thrones
Above all wonders the world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure what You're worth
Crucified, laid behind the stone
You lived to die, rejected and alone
Like a rose trampled on the ground
You took the fall and thought of me
Above all
well, this might be my ultimate favorite. i know one of my friends that reacted really emotionally to this song. it just means so much, sacrifice, and love.
I really thank vivien for inviting me to this camp. i do feel guilty of going through this camp and disappointing some by not converting. but i am not ready, i have my own views of the world, and it is not my time to become a Christian. However, through the 5 days, i have learnt a lot about the values and beliefs of christians. I saw a lot i could learn from them, even if i am not Christian.
I cant say that the camp was perfect, cuz then i would be lying. and there were points where i felt uncomfortable. It was during day 3/4, more during day 4. i felt very uncomfortable when they asked for those who wanted to "accept Christ", or in other words, convert. I have said that i was not going to, but all the other non-Christians in my group all decided to convert, and i felt very very awkward. i silently prayed to the lord that if he did exist, that he would understand that it was not my time, and that maybe it might happen one day, and maybe it may not. So i hope everyone understands.
apart from that, it was basically fun all the way. the various games were intriguing, such as "CSI: project mew" and the "amazing race". to have fun, and to share it with a bunch of good friends, that was the best.
well now that it is over, i am a little disappointed, but i still have the contacts of friends and still we share the memories of the past few days. Maybe one of these days we can go out for a lunch or something? haha yeah!
One more thing before i sign off.... DUMPERS RAWK!!! :P
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Hiatus 1
btw, im going for some church camp, so won't be updating for a few days. do tag, and leave comments... thanks!
Puking
ever met one of those people that make you feel uneasy? those kind of people that sicken you with their every move. Doesn't mean that that person is your most hated enemy. maybe you just agree to disagree and live with it.
I am in a rut. I am stuck with this person that sickens me to the core, yet I am his friend. it is friggin irritating.
He is a leader, a dedicated and determined person and is very good in whatever he does. I do not hate him or envy him due to that. In fact, I respect it, and that is what made me his friend in the first place. yet, he is so... so... disturbing. he seems like he is trying to be something that he is not. it is just so awkward being around him.
I'm always quiet around him. I shut up, as I am afraid that if I open my mouth I will offend him and everyone else around me. if I open my mouth, I am afraid that I would totally attack him, causing everyone to hate me. that sucks.
perhaps it is true. I see too much of myself in him. I am freaking out as I see myself in another person, and I do not like what I am seeing. come on, he has moved in on my ex! but thats not all. I mean, I remember when I used to be this guy that is trying to make all the friends in the world. surrounding myself with people. And I used to be, and still am, stubborn. It is all the traits I dislike about myself reflected off him.
I wish it were as simple as envy. if it were envy, I would just hate him and never bother myself with him. I probably would do something drastic, and then that would be the end of it. but it isn't so simple. I still regard him as an acquaintance, and it seems that I have to put up with it, as friends are supposed to overlook their differences. but do we overlook our similarities?
I need advice, and I need it bad. but dont tell me confrontation. I have tried so many times to force myself to privately talk to him and sort things out. but I really am not able to. he is just too difficult to face.
I am rethinking this over. perhaps it is not all him. perhaps it is her, too. maybe it is knowing that he is with someone I shared something special with. she played a big part in my life for short while. it will not be forgotten but it will be history.
I shall not talk about her now. it is meant to be private. I am gonna keep it that way. but it is he I need to deal with. so yeah, advise me, and gimme options, something I definitely do not have.
I am in a rut. I am stuck with this person that sickens me to the core, yet I am his friend. it is friggin irritating.
He is a leader, a dedicated and determined person and is very good in whatever he does. I do not hate him or envy him due to that. In fact, I respect it, and that is what made me his friend in the first place. yet, he is so... so... disturbing. he seems like he is trying to be something that he is not. it is just so awkward being around him.
I'm always quiet around him. I shut up, as I am afraid that if I open my mouth I will offend him and everyone else around me. if I open my mouth, I am afraid that I would totally attack him, causing everyone to hate me. that sucks.
perhaps it is true. I see too much of myself in him. I am freaking out as I see myself in another person, and I do not like what I am seeing. come on, he has moved in on my ex! but thats not all. I mean, I remember when I used to be this guy that is trying to make all the friends in the world. surrounding myself with people. And I used to be, and still am, stubborn. It is all the traits I dislike about myself reflected off him.
I wish it were as simple as envy. if it were envy, I would just hate him and never bother myself with him. I probably would do something drastic, and then that would be the end of it. but it isn't so simple. I still regard him as an acquaintance, and it seems that I have to put up with it, as friends are supposed to overlook their differences. but do we overlook our similarities?
I need advice, and I need it bad. but dont tell me confrontation. I have tried so many times to force myself to privately talk to him and sort things out. but I really am not able to. he is just too difficult to face.
I am rethinking this over. perhaps it is not all him. perhaps it is her, too. maybe it is knowing that he is with someone I shared something special with. she played a big part in my life for short while. it will not be forgotten but it will be history.
I shall not talk about her now. it is meant to be private. I am gonna keep it that way. but it is he I need to deal with. so yeah, advise me, and gimme options, something I definitely do not have.
Nostalgia
Have you ever missed the past? that is a stupid question, of course. It seems like in IP people are feeling especially Nostalgic. we miss our friends and when we do see them, we are suddenly surged with intense reminiscence.
So i know that i have been very busy lately. i have not even had much time to go online and chat. truth is that i really miss all my peeps. with everyone maturing and "growing up" i miss the days where going CrAzY was part of everyday life.
Its quite funny really. this morning i went with my grandpa to MacRitchie Resevoir for his morning walk. bhe does this close to every day, and for god knows how many years. i remember when i used to follow him during the holidays. i used to complain about how long it took before leaving the resevoir for breakfast. Well now he has shortened the distance, and it is over in no time flat. but just the even of it makes me miss the past where i used to enjoy a lot more things.
i've been trying to hook up with a few people. those i have not contacted for a long time. this year i met a friend of jercho, my P1 and P2 classmate. i added him to msn, though now we dont really chat. and then there are the Ex-Ro, boy do i miss theses guys. all the times we had, especially to KX, KL, the entire batch basically. i recently met Habibah at TJ's Gema Temasek and she was lookin soo different! she was soo styled up! hehe, no offence but she looked really really mature! so yeah it was kewl seeing her again, then we started chatting on msn, updated each other on life school and friends.
okay, i have to admit, as crazy as it may sound, i actually miss some parts of VS. people like Sean and Leon, they are the people that made VS interesting nad entertaining. When Sean came over, to TJC it was fun introducing him to all the TJ peeps, and he takes quite well to most of them.
in IP it is very stressful, and i guess being with people from the past where you dont have to work with them, it makes friendship so much better. maybe that is why i do not always enjoy the company in class and SC, but perhaps when i graduate and look back, things will be different.
well, now that the hols are here, i wish for gathering chances! i do want to meet the peeps again, and just catch up. Nostalgia, the stronger the feeling, the older one gets.
So i know that i have been very busy lately. i have not even had much time to go online and chat. truth is that i really miss all my peeps. with everyone maturing and "growing up" i miss the days where going CrAzY was part of everyday life.
Its quite funny really. this morning i went with my grandpa to MacRitchie Resevoir for his morning walk. bhe does this close to every day, and for god knows how many years. i remember when i used to follow him during the holidays. i used to complain about how long it took before leaving the resevoir for breakfast. Well now he has shortened the distance, and it is over in no time flat. but just the even of it makes me miss the past where i used to enjoy a lot more things.
i've been trying to hook up with a few people. those i have not contacted for a long time. this year i met a friend of jercho, my P1 and P2 classmate. i added him to msn, though now we dont really chat. and then there are the Ex-Ro, boy do i miss theses guys. all the times we had, especially to KX, KL, the entire batch basically. i recently met Habibah at TJ's Gema Temasek and she was lookin soo different! she was soo styled up! hehe, no offence but she looked really really mature! so yeah it was kewl seeing her again, then we started chatting on msn, updated each other on life school and friends.
okay, i have to admit, as crazy as it may sound, i actually miss some parts of VS. people like Sean and Leon, they are the people that made VS interesting nad entertaining. When Sean came over, to TJC it was fun introducing him to all the TJ peeps, and he takes quite well to most of them.
in IP it is very stressful, and i guess being with people from the past where you dont have to work with them, it makes friendship so much better. maybe that is why i do not always enjoy the company in class and SC, but perhaps when i graduate and look back, things will be different.
well, now that the hols are here, i wish for gathering chances! i do want to meet the peeps again, and just catch up. Nostalgia, the stronger the feeling, the older one gets.
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