Filled to the brim

i think i have had a stint of depression the past few days. it may not be heavily obvious in my actions and words, but those that know me well know that i have not been feeling to high. Im just exhausted. i go home each day and find myself highly incapable of doing anything. yet i just press on and certain nights i know i have to finish something, so i do, and then straight to bed.

too many things are on my mind. each like a person poking me with a stick. so its like thousands of people poking and prodding, pushing and peircing, against the soft tissue of my brain. that's why sometimes i just can concentrate, or i cant absolutely focus on the thing at hand.

Before that, i shall mention some of the better things this week. on Monday, i went down to orchard and finally purchased my floorball stick! i really feel the sting in my wallet ($150!?!?!?) but i think it has put me on the road of commitment to this sport, a drive if anything.

The week has been bad. everyday seems to demand more and more of me. and comparatively, even though the days are shorter and there is supposedly more time for ourselves, i see that everyday my schedule is packed. filled with council activities, floorball, elective, other duties. i even had to sacrifice drama on wednesday because i had so much going on.

i feel a certain sense of detatchment now. like i have no real place of solace. im not home long enough to find the comfort and the support i need. i have been going home on my own, and my parents don't seem to be back until late, and even then i have things to settle for Black Lights and for Council.

Dad got me a few books on leadership, and some files which he used for leadership seminars and workshops. just picking one book up, i saw 3 points that i guess have been a major issue, and it was all clearly stated out in black and white. i feel very aimless in school sometimes. like i come and am like a chicken without its head. running around and bumping into people and into things. and it hurts.

im appreciative of those that give me support. but i realise i don't open up to that many people, and therefore its hard to say things free flowingly. Syak and Jane are still busy with dance and their performancs. while they also have to prep for Temasek Titans next week. in that sense it would be selfish for me to pull them away and pour out my worries.

Speaking of which, i feel really bad abt pouring my worries to Kaya cake. Recently, with all my stress and depression, Kaya cake is my outlet for it. I feel really guilty. Kaya cake has its own share of stress, and i have to add on to its worries. still Thanks Kaya Cake! for your support and listening ear. still hoping for the X-men 2 :)

I have to relearn to trust people. as much as i seem to be open and wear my heart on my sleeve, i also realise that i hide alot as well. talking to varun way back, he tells me that i dont seem like the one who would share. and i dont want to get hurt, so i protect myself alot.

I want to trust. cuz that is how every organisation, relationship and friendship works, and is based on. i may give a certain amount of trust, but i have not been able to wholeheartedly and completely trust anyone yet. Then again who can.

but that is partially why i am so tired. i have people i can rely on, but they are few, and they are up to their necks in work as well. This therefore results in i having to rely on myself, and this may result in the weight being unbearable. i can commit and i will get it done, but i may break a few bones in the process. where are the people you need the most when you need them the most?

Now im hanging on till the end of the week. a break in a sense. Im looking forward to my "family outing", and the dance concert in the evening. while on Sat, there will be College Day, and the evening going to Band concert, Prelude, which i know i will enjoy stage band :).

Im filled to the brim, and starting to overflow. will anyone catch the water that spills?