My Perfect life

sometimes i think i wonder if people think my life is good/great/wonderful/perfect. i admit that i have been quite lucky in this life, and a lot of opportunities have come my way. Perhaps to some i might come off as being on top of everything. even though i would rant and sometimes complain, or even look really tired, i always seem to bounce back and put in my all for that thing im doing.

still, there are certain drawbacks, like my studies have been suffering, and maybe a little lack of sleep. If not i think i really have had the luck to do quite well in other things in my life. i may not be the fittest, but after training and stuff, cheerleading came quite easily to me. the /"mo chi"/ btw me and zhi zhong helped ALOT, and it fell into place, kinda, i can say that i was extremely comfortable with our entire element.

My life has been quite smooth sailing. from young i had the outspoken characteristic, and never seemed to have a problem with intercting and speaking to people, then i had the luck of getting into GEP and rosyth school where i met a bunch of friends that i really love. then even when i was failing in GEP, i managed to squeeze through to secondary school, though i was still on probation. then i think the biggest stroke of luck was applying for TA. i think i handed up my form on one of the last, if not the last day of application, and because i was first to be interviewed, i managed to get a fresh start in TA. then a lot of uphill events in TA which i think i can spare the facts (Students council, cheerleading, orientation, drama etc.). and i think the biggest support and pillar in my life is my family. without their undying love and support, i dont think i would have done as many of the things that i have done.

i guess that is how i come off as quite a stable person. i have had all these good things in my life, that i seem to be above problems and issues that bug me seriously. but i still think, and know that there are things in my life that are not perfect. i have many flaws and problems which either i hide well, or i just dont seem willing to share.

how contrary to how i usually feel. i feel like i have quite a few things bent up in my life, just that i dont have the people and the audience to let it out to. either that, i might just be very silly, cuz i realise that my parents are my main source of confidance. however, i know that i have close friends. yet, its either them or me, but i dont seem to tell them much, or i dont get te chance to tell them much.

this tends to lead to insecurity. cuz it may not be true, but if i dont share my problems, i might be taken to be a fair weather friend. and maybe when i do face a rut or a problem, the people i am close to i dont know if they would be there.

sometimes i feel like a bucket, a bigg bucket. many problems and things get poured inside me, and i dont seem to have any problem storing it. but at the same time, i fear being taken for granted, and if there is incessant pouring, wone day i would over flow, if i didnt pour some of my own things out.

if you read chain mails on the web, you read about those /"the strongest usually need protection"/, and i think its quite true. i am really vulnerable, and i know of those that have exploited it. this is something you learn in a boys school, that guys can be just as bitchy as girls, and smart guys can blackmail the pants of you.

friendships and relationships have to be two way- always. if not either side if not both sides can tend to feel insecure. when you share all your secrets with someone, and they dont share back, you would feel very vulnerable to the blackmail that person could put on you, while if you were on the other end of the stick, and people keep pouring you their problems, you would be worried that if you shared your problems, they would turn away.

/"the greatest thing in life is to love, and be loved back"/ - quote from my favourite movie Moulin Rouge ( at least the quote is something like that)

it doesnt matter what kind of love, it could be friendship love to relationship love, even to brotherly love. in anycase, that is the dual-dependence between 2 people, and i dont know why, i always seem to be in relationships that are heavily leaning to one side than a balance.

I wonder which i come off more as, 1) a person that is on top of most things, and have very little problems in life, or, 2) a person that can be quite cold and distant that is unwilling to open up his life to other people.

this is definitely testiment to my insecurity and vulnerability. i need to learn to stop thinking so much about the problems and think simply the great things that i have got. I am thankful for many things in life, and i dont think i should be asking for more. yet when life is too smooth sailing, i want to challenge the boudaries, and see how far i can go! that is why we have goals, to push for and to attain, or to not acheive and learn from it.

haha this might sound really petty, and silly, but it would be great for people to once in a while remind me that i am appreciated. everyone wants to be appreciated, and to belong. reassurance never hurt anyone! =D

So how perfect is my life? i think considerably, i am quite the lucky bastard, my life is perfect because, i have problems and i have greatness, i think if life were any other way, it wouldnt be worth living. cheers to life as a whole, and to those that are cursing life, and squealing at the screwed up parts, look at the bigger picture, appreciate what you have, life would be a lot finer that way!