False Confidence

After getting back most of my tests, its quite disheartening to note that my confidence and supposed readiness in my tests, have not reflected in my scores. for most tests i failed, which is waay lower than i expected. chem i was shocked that i did so badly, as i thought i answered the test quite well. However, i didnt do well because much of what i said was said in a wrong manner. perhaps some of my content was wrong, but on a whole i think it was more of my expression. the realisation set in after i got back my biology test. before hand she asked us to write down our preparedness and confidence for the test, and both i put above 3 (ranging 1-5, 5 being most) and when i got back my tests, i was shocked beyond shock that i failed the test.

Expectations i guess. there was a chapter in the book Stepphy passed to me that say something like "envisage yourself in that bad situation, and deal with it before it occurs" e.g. imagine your favourite mug breaking. and you will learn to treasure it, and when it finally breaks, you will be able to just say "oh! there it goes" with positivity, without getting hung up over it. but that is not something i had done for these tests. i actually thought that i studied hard for the tests, and i put in a fair bit of effort to make sure i do better than before. Previously i would not have studied as hard for assesment, but i felt after my dissapointing attitude towards holiday assignments, i thought it would be best if i could put in effort to maintain at least a high standard in tests. you can tell from the previous post how much i "thought" i put into studies, but it seems like it was to no avail.

This i think i can handle, but then there was one thing that i felt weird about for a few days. after studying so hard with jane and sze sian, i guess i felt out of place when they did well, and i didnt. Its just that, after seemingly understanding and explaining all the things to them (especially in bio) i would have thought i would do as well as them, but that was severly not the case. I understand my concpets, but my phrasing, terminology and practically all about espression was completely wrong.

Yet, i have something inside me telling me to not give up. Actually, i expected my first reaction to be "if you study and fail anyway, why bother studying?" but somehow, that did not become my first reaction. rather, i felt that it was just to teach me to learn and do better for the next one. I think the "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff..." book really helped. i will study for my next test, and study harder, and earlier. Maybe this is a new me coming out, but i will not be able to tell until the next assesment comes.

now my focus has to be diverted away from the now over and completed tests, and focus on the projects and assingments at hand. there is a chinese project, where we are going to become Xiao Lao Shi, and teach the class. Math prect needs me to interview someone that uses math everyday. and the one i think im most excited about is LA where we are going to stage a play!

Hungry, was written by Ng Yi-Sheng, in a 24hr scriptwriting competition. he won gold, and i must say, that it is a brilliant peice of work. My mom doesnt share the sentiment though. i understand why. to a student it might be riveting and applicable, but to adults, it might seem a little trashy, with all the suicide and the negativity. either way, im proud to be doing the play, as it really is interesting to see how the play will go!

Yesterday i spent a whole day at Bernice's house with Bernice, Grace, Jane, Jia Yun and Magdalene, and spent all the time discussing about how to intepret the play, while trying out roles to see who will be what character. I never knew that so much thought went into a play. If it this difficult to stage a play, i cannot imagine the sheer difficulty of writing the script. Haha, if you want to see what others have said about our play, look at Grazz's blog!

So i am MUG, an indian forgotten god that people used to pray to for wisdom. notice the pun on my name "MUG", which is familiar to my fellow underlings, im sure. Maybe i should mass produce little statuettes of my "birthday" self, with a fig leaf covering what matters most. then everyone can remember who to pray to, in times of tests and exams XD.

It is fun, and im really excited! the only thing now is to keep it up, and maintain this interest in everyone. My first own production! Like Grazz said, "PLEASE ACCEPT THE PROPOSAL MS CHEAH!!!!"

I think there is one thing that i learnt from this false confidence. that it is a matter of positivity. False confidence can be in the form of optimism or denial. and i shoose to let it me optimism. im not going to deny that i did not study enough, but optimism has allowed me to go further, and work harder for my next tests/assignments.