Enough blue sky to mend a pair of shorts

When i was young i was an avid reader of enid blyton, one of the stories mentioned something, that is now my title.

The story was about a weather wizard that cast a curse over a town. the curse was for the town to never have a bright blue sky, and it is forever covered by rainclouds, and the town is forever caught in a storm. the villagers wanted to see the sunshine again, but were too afraid of the wizard. so a little sailor boy stepped up, and he devised a way to get enough blue sky to bring back the joy in the town. he made the wizard's dogs tear his shorts, and he demanded compensation from the wizard. the wizard being a very shrewed man, did not want to pay for new shorts, so instead the sailor asked for enough blue sky to mend his shorts. the wizard did not think much of it, but the sailor gave the peice of blue sky into the air, and opened up a hole for sunshine to peek in. this led to the sky clearing, and the joy and happiness returned to the town.

Moral: a little optimism in the worst of times, can finally lead to better times ahead.

that is what i have felt today. as most could tell from the previous post, i have been in a bad dip recently. i cannot say that i am fully recovered, but i can say that today has been my peice of blue sky that i have not seen in a while.

Posting this after i came home, as i want to say it out while the feeling is fresh. i dont want it to fade and become unrecorded.

My day started off like any other, with my usual worries in the morning. i think hard about the things undone, but overall am quite neutral with the things around me. Then elective starts, and i think one of the things that pull down my day is a boring lecture during elective that i fall asleep and drain my energy. But today was not too bad. although i missed floorball training, i managed to finish my elective early, and get ready for my outing in the afternoon. So it passed quite quickly, with some comparison between food labels.

although elective was better than expected, what really perked my day up was my "family outing" :D

Initially i worried about the 4 baos getting along and interacting. cuz Tooth Fairy was telling me that if not for SLC, the 4 bao would not have been close in the first place. some did not even know each other before the camp. so i was worried that we would not have anything to talk about, or just feel weird or awkward in each other's company. but i guess that was undue worry, as with Kelly, Pei Yi, Zenia and Yanting around, how can i ever expect them to have nothing to say? haha. Yanting could only join us later due to electives, so Da Bao, San Bao, Xiao Bao and I headed down to Parkway for lunch.

We went to Yoshinoya (which like the deprived child i am, have never eaten there before) and realised we kinda all ordered the same thing, the Beef rice with one thing or the other. its quite pleasant! and hopefully i can go again soon! So we chatted about all sorts of things over lunch. school, people, volleyball and i think Xiao Bao's favourite conversation topic: Relationships! it was nice getting to know them better, and seeing how well we could get along.

Some pics at Yoshinoya:
My 4 Baos!


DA + BAO = DAO (look at her face!?!?!)


TRYING to take pic of ourselves


Family photo :)


Afterwhich, the 4 Baos went to get some ice cream. while i went to introduce them to Mos Burger's Ichigo Bliss. it was hilarious to see them squirming at how cold the ichigo bliss was. the Ichigo Bliss is a frozen Strawberry with white chocolate in the middle, so it feels like a ice pop, but very nice! i think (or hope) they like it too!

Then we got ice cream, even though it was getting late, and i had to rush back for council meeting >.< i finally understand why Xiao Bao can be so silly and bubbly. She is actually.... DRUNK! her fave flavour ice cream is Rum and Raisin, and tasting the rum and raisin at Scoopz, the alcohol taste and smell is very very strong! but nonetheless it was nice! then Da Bao and Er Bao tried to share a durian icecream sandwhich, there is nothing wrong with that, but they tried to both eat it AT THE SAME TIME!


Yummy BITE!


San Bao, and the others Icecream!


Yup, Xiao Bao is sooo DRUNK!


I realised that i went back to school feeling on top of the world, and i was just filled with joy. it was not because of a specific someone or something. but i just felt good. and i know its credited to my Family :) Thanks!

And it just carried on for the day. In the evening, going for dance concert. i didnt feel like anything could bring me down. i just enjoyed the entire performance, and everytime someone i know comes on stage, i would automatically smile! and im just in awe and stunned by how well some of them can dance! It was really cool, especially the first part, Punk 101, as well as the performance just before the interlude.

I think it wouldnt be justice to post pictures here, as Dance is all about the movement, the enery and the grace. but i must have a screening of the dance concert at my place! let Jane and Syak see what it was like siting in the audience and watching the performance!

My day has just been great, amazing and wonderful! and im appreciative of every person that made it so wonderful! i love all of you!

Optimism, thats the lesson for the day. Open your mouth a little wider, and show off a bit more teeth. just open up, and SMILE =D

p.s. kaya cake, good luck for your nobert! im in high anticipation!

Filled to the brim

i think i have had a stint of depression the past few days. it may not be heavily obvious in my actions and words, but those that know me well know that i have not been feeling to high. Im just exhausted. i go home each day and find myself highly incapable of doing anything. yet i just press on and certain nights i know i have to finish something, so i do, and then straight to bed.

too many things are on my mind. each like a person poking me with a stick. so its like thousands of people poking and prodding, pushing and peircing, against the soft tissue of my brain. that's why sometimes i just can concentrate, or i cant absolutely focus on the thing at hand.

Before that, i shall mention some of the better things this week. on Monday, i went down to orchard and finally purchased my floorball stick! i really feel the sting in my wallet ($150!?!?!?) but i think it has put me on the road of commitment to this sport, a drive if anything.

The week has been bad. everyday seems to demand more and more of me. and comparatively, even though the days are shorter and there is supposedly more time for ourselves, i see that everyday my schedule is packed. filled with council activities, floorball, elective, other duties. i even had to sacrifice drama on wednesday because i had so much going on.

i feel a certain sense of detatchment now. like i have no real place of solace. im not home long enough to find the comfort and the support i need. i have been going home on my own, and my parents don't seem to be back until late, and even then i have things to settle for Black Lights and for Council.

Dad got me a few books on leadership, and some files which he used for leadership seminars and workshops. just picking one book up, i saw 3 points that i guess have been a major issue, and it was all clearly stated out in black and white. i feel very aimless in school sometimes. like i come and am like a chicken without its head. running around and bumping into people and into things. and it hurts.

im appreciative of those that give me support. but i realise i don't open up to that many people, and therefore its hard to say things free flowingly. Syak and Jane are still busy with dance and their performancs. while they also have to prep for Temasek Titans next week. in that sense it would be selfish for me to pull them away and pour out my worries.

Speaking of which, i feel really bad abt pouring my worries to Kaya cake. Recently, with all my stress and depression, Kaya cake is my outlet for it. I feel really guilty. Kaya cake has its own share of stress, and i have to add on to its worries. still Thanks Kaya Cake! for your support and listening ear. still hoping for the X-men 2 :)

I have to relearn to trust people. as much as i seem to be open and wear my heart on my sleeve, i also realise that i hide alot as well. talking to varun way back, he tells me that i dont seem like the one who would share. and i dont want to get hurt, so i protect myself alot.

I want to trust. cuz that is how every organisation, relationship and friendship works, and is based on. i may give a certain amount of trust, but i have not been able to wholeheartedly and completely trust anyone yet. Then again who can.

but that is partially why i am so tired. i have people i can rely on, but they are few, and they are up to their necks in work as well. This therefore results in i having to rely on myself, and this may result in the weight being unbearable. i can commit and i will get it done, but i may break a few bones in the process. where are the people you need the most when you need them the most?

Now im hanging on till the end of the week. a break in a sense. Im looking forward to my "family outing", and the dance concert in the evening. while on Sat, there will be College Day, and the evening going to Band concert, Prelude, which i know i will enjoy stage band :).

Im filled to the brim, and starting to overflow. will anyone catch the water that spills?

Mother's Day

Mother's day comes and goes eveery year, and it seems like i keep forgeting to get my mom a present. so in that sense, when i make up for it by cooking breakfast, it has become some what of a tradition, where mother's day morning, i/'ll surprise her with breakfast made by her very own son.

however, i always feel guilty when i do so. yes the thought counts, and i put in effort to make her breakfast, but its because i dont have the time/money, or rather didnt find the time/money to get her a proper present, that i am making her breakfast. but i still enjoy it when mom smiles and thanks me for the breakfast i made. haha, it get me embarassed, and mom always knows how to embarass me :P

but i cant say i started this mother's day well. last night/this morning, i reached home at 12+ in the morning, cuz i was at Gema Temasek and it lasted till late. My mom was severly dissapointed in me, and the only thing she left me with that night was /"we shall talk about it in the morning"/. that is the influence and significance of my mom, and my parents. they dont have to scold me and reprimand me. they just show their dissapointment. the guilt that sets in later, i think is stronger than any scolding they could ever give me. however, i still dont seem to learn, if not i wouldnt have broken curfew so many times >.<

i have got to hand it to my mom. she holds it together really well. i swear it is not easy dealing with people like my bor and i, and i think its to be admired how influential and how capable she is. my mom is my /"go to person"/ for stress and problems in my life. Dad is there when i need advice, cuz he is my role model in leadership, but mom is just there for me, and i know that she would hear out my school problems (especially in social life!) and help me with it.

I'm hyper lucky. i have 2 amazing parents that are both really supportive, and my life has pretty much been smooth sailing for many things. i told Kaya cake that i am very lucky to have parents like this, and that is why i want to bring it out, /"pay it forward"/, and /"share the love"/ with people that dont have the luck of having parents like mine. or even the TA1s, Mrs Lim had tremendous influence on me. i even cried when she left, and that is why i feel its my obligation to carry it forward.

Moms, mother figures, motherly people, and basically to all those that care for others and protect them like my mom protects me. i want to wish you a happy Mother/'s Day, and kudos to the great job you have done.

I Love you Mom!

+++

added at 1pm

there was something i felt i had to add to my post abt mother's day. i was chatting with Xiao Bao, and i guess that i was really touched by her actions. Xiao Bao is very close to her family (her real one). and i guess that i have seen people close, but she is REALLY close. im inspired. im close to my family, but i think i take them for granted sometimes. just listening to Xiao Bao and what she does for her family, i think she is the perfect daughter.

She cancels things so she can spend time with her family, while i break curfew and am not at home when the clock hits midnight, on mothers day. Its hard to describe it well. but i just feel the ache in my heart when i think about the times i let my mom down. there are a lot of things ive done that havent been exactly to be proud of, but mom always is there for me.

I WANT to be a momma's boy. Because i love my mom.
Thanks Xiao Bao :)

Student Leadership Camp

I have been back from camp, but cant say im fully recovered. still a tad tired, and my voice is still quite gone, but if not im in TIP TOP form!

SLC was great. its wednesday today, and still suffering from hangover. i miss everyone of the people there. from the groupmates in RAFIKI, to the instructors and the people from other groups.

Student leadership camp really did what it set out to do. or rather, i maximised this opportunity to learn about myself and my leadership style. every chance i got, i tried to either be model and guide to the TA1 juniors, or learn about myself and my own leadership abilities.

I wont say too much about what i learnt here, but i can safely say that i need to trust myself, my juniors, and the support they can give. I have to work doubly hard to prove to my peers my change and development, as not only do i have to disprove their initial negative impression of me, and then rebuild the /"new and improved"/ version, which is the positive one im trying to portray.

On a lighter note (and i swear that this gets me HIGH!!!!)


Im proud to announce my adoption of my /"4 ge bao"/, haha just saying it gets me all warm and fuzzy inside. all i had to do, was tie a flap of the tent up to let air flow in, then along comese Zenia (Xiao Bao) with the comment:/" we are like babies in a cot! and he is like some daddy watching over us"/ and somehow, by some divine intervention, i am blessed to have 4 babies that are willingly calling me DADDY or PAPA when they see me!

sounds weird but it gives me a fluttery feeling when they do! I feel damn outdated, huimin was even reeling in shock when she heard that i never play FAMILY before.
BUT its never too late to start, and i am super lucky to get 4 of them as my first adopted daughters!

DA BAO- Kelly- hmmm so far, ive spoken to her (before SLC) once at the bus stop and exchanged email contact, then now ive seen her spastic pic on her blog, as well as /"her beautiful shit"/ whatever that is >.<

ER BAO- Yanting- hmmm.... i used to wave to her is school, but a) never really knew her name, and b) never really chatted. but after SLC!!! she is like full of energy, like a bowl full of Cheerios! ever smiling and ever ready to call on her DADDY!

SAN BAO- Pei Yi- we were in the same elective last year, and i dont rmb chatting much then, but definitely an intriguing one in my books! cant wait to find out more! unlocking the mysteries of San Bao!

XIAO BAO BAO- Zenia- this is like a ball bursting with energy! she's got the optimistic, ever bright and silly Jeans (genes) in the family! another one who never fails to call PAPA! i cant beleive that once upon a time i actually thought that she was dao!!!

well there ya go! /"Wo Jia Si Ge Bao"/ each unique and special in their own way. a new addittion of the family has yet to find her spot.

Hui Min- Aunt/Grandma/Fairy Godmother/Tooth fairy/Uncle/"/"/etc.
hopefully you find your place soon... >.< lolz

ive got a whole ton of SLC pics and things that i wanna say, but maybe not for public domain. Photos if anyone wants, you know who to get it from!

and lastly, SLC brought the council back together, SLC rawks!!!

My Perfect life

sometimes i think i wonder if people think my life is good/great/wonderful/perfect. i admit that i have been quite lucky in this life, and a lot of opportunities have come my way. Perhaps to some i might come off as being on top of everything. even though i would rant and sometimes complain, or even look really tired, i always seem to bounce back and put in my all for that thing im doing.

still, there are certain drawbacks, like my studies have been suffering, and maybe a little lack of sleep. If not i think i really have had the luck to do quite well in other things in my life. i may not be the fittest, but after training and stuff, cheerleading came quite easily to me. the /"mo chi"/ btw me and zhi zhong helped ALOT, and it fell into place, kinda, i can say that i was extremely comfortable with our entire element.

My life has been quite smooth sailing. from young i had the outspoken characteristic, and never seemed to have a problem with intercting and speaking to people, then i had the luck of getting into GEP and rosyth school where i met a bunch of friends that i really love. then even when i was failing in GEP, i managed to squeeze through to secondary school, though i was still on probation. then i think the biggest stroke of luck was applying for TA. i think i handed up my form on one of the last, if not the last day of application, and because i was first to be interviewed, i managed to get a fresh start in TA. then a lot of uphill events in TA which i think i can spare the facts (Students council, cheerleading, orientation, drama etc.). and i think the biggest support and pillar in my life is my family. without their undying love and support, i dont think i would have done as many of the things that i have done.

i guess that is how i come off as quite a stable person. i have had all these good things in my life, that i seem to be above problems and issues that bug me seriously. but i still think, and know that there are things in my life that are not perfect. i have many flaws and problems which either i hide well, or i just dont seem willing to share.

how contrary to how i usually feel. i feel like i have quite a few things bent up in my life, just that i dont have the people and the audience to let it out to. either that, i might just be very silly, cuz i realise that my parents are my main source of confidance. however, i know that i have close friends. yet, its either them or me, but i dont seem to tell them much, or i dont get te chance to tell them much.

this tends to lead to insecurity. cuz it may not be true, but if i dont share my problems, i might be taken to be a fair weather friend. and maybe when i do face a rut or a problem, the people i am close to i dont know if they would be there.

sometimes i feel like a bucket, a bigg bucket. many problems and things get poured inside me, and i dont seem to have any problem storing it. but at the same time, i fear being taken for granted, and if there is incessant pouring, wone day i would over flow, if i didnt pour some of my own things out.

if you read chain mails on the web, you read about those /"the strongest usually need protection"/, and i think its quite true. i am really vulnerable, and i know of those that have exploited it. this is something you learn in a boys school, that guys can be just as bitchy as girls, and smart guys can blackmail the pants of you.

friendships and relationships have to be two way- always. if not either side if not both sides can tend to feel insecure. when you share all your secrets with someone, and they dont share back, you would feel very vulnerable to the blackmail that person could put on you, while if you were on the other end of the stick, and people keep pouring you their problems, you would be worried that if you shared your problems, they would turn away.

/"the greatest thing in life is to love, and be loved back"/ - quote from my favourite movie Moulin Rouge ( at least the quote is something like that)

it doesnt matter what kind of love, it could be friendship love to relationship love, even to brotherly love. in anycase, that is the dual-dependence between 2 people, and i dont know why, i always seem to be in relationships that are heavily leaning to one side than a balance.

I wonder which i come off more as, 1) a person that is on top of most things, and have very little problems in life, or, 2) a person that can be quite cold and distant that is unwilling to open up his life to other people.

this is definitely testiment to my insecurity and vulnerability. i need to learn to stop thinking so much about the problems and think simply the great things that i have got. I am thankful for many things in life, and i dont think i should be asking for more. yet when life is too smooth sailing, i want to challenge the boudaries, and see how far i can go! that is why we have goals, to push for and to attain, or to not acheive and learn from it.

haha this might sound really petty, and silly, but it would be great for people to once in a while remind me that i am appreciated. everyone wants to be appreciated, and to belong. reassurance never hurt anyone! =D

So how perfect is my life? i think considerably, i am quite the lucky bastard, my life is perfect because, i have problems and i have greatness, i think if life were any other way, it wouldnt be worth living. cheers to life as a whole, and to those that are cursing life, and squealing at the screwed up parts, look at the bigger picture, appreciate what you have, life would be a lot finer that way!

Delta, and the Top Dragons!

my time has freed up a lot now, and now i actually have the time to sleep and catch up on work (though i cant say i exactly have). Reason being, i have completed my 2 major events this term, and had an additional small event which just happened on friday.

in my last post i already spoke about Mardi Gras, and was like /"one down, one to go!"/. then the next big thing was cheerleading and then the small project which followed was emcee-ing for Delta House Function: Charme Enchanteur.

Cheerleading is and has been one of the best expereinces of my life, so far at least. Last year it was a pity after the accident, and it was too bad i couldnt be part of the victory of Delta house, but this year i think it was so much better! We may not have won, but unlike last year, i think many of us felt a closer bond than last year. haha, it was great seeing the posts some people had on their blogs, like ZZ, zhi zhong, it was like we had grown so comfortable with each other, that once cheerleading ended, it waw little like cold turkey going back into our normal routine of things. I guess that we really miss each other now, but also we are all so busy with our own things that we barely have time to meet, even for another outing!

Truthfully, cheerleading made my entire term 2 good. without it, i think i would not have been able to hold a lot of things together. i remember that it was kinda a dip for this year's term one, but once i had cheerleading to not only occupy me, but also a place that i could chill and be comfortable, i felt better, and the trust that we had to build with each other will last forever more. We may not have won, but actually it doesnt bother me much. i dont even think about it. im more sparked by the times that we trained till late, and the sitting around half chatting about cheerleading, but also half sharing our lives, and letting each other into each others' lives. a flier has to trust his/her bases and backspot, the bases trust the backspot to catch the flier if the bases falter, and the flier to push him/herself up when they go into double base, and the backspot trusts the flier and bases to work well, to make sure he/she does not get hurt. that trust that we formed as an element, as a squad, and together as a team, it carried on to other parts of our life, and i can safely say that i would trusts the cheerleaders with many things in my life.

then that night, after sports day, most of us went to Fish and Co. to kind of celebrate our efforts. i swear that it was so much fun sitting next to Bel and Zhi Zhong. i think of the bases, i think i am most fond of these two. they are ust simply so... so... innocent? Bel is just cute, not Varun cute, but just cute in the way he behaves, and Zhi zhong is just quirky. they are like the positive life force of the group. just that dinner, Bel and Zhi zhong cracked me up utterly and completely, but in a way that is hard to explain. they were not funny persay, but their actions and their behavior, is just so bright and... indescribable. >.<

I just miss the whole bunch. like ZZ put it, its weird waking up on saturday and wondering what should you be doing, or tuesday after class having nothing to do... worse is that we cant find the time to meet as a whole group again... we/'re just too busy!!!! AHHHH! gah... maybe june hols is the closest time we can have our outing...

On the day of sports day, nadiah (House Comm one) re-asked me to be emcee for delta house function. at first i think i was kinda reluctant, but i knew that it would be interesting to. So i asked for a co-host. when nadiah first asked me under TRC, i had initially said to look for a co-host. ximin who happened to be around, jokingly said she would co-host, but when nad asked me on sports day itself, i had to pull ximin in, as she was the only one that was remotely willing.

So, with 1 week to prepare, no details until wednesday, and rushing for time on friday, i think we performed quite well! haha, i learn that its not easy trying to script for an event that is really open, as it relies on alot of the audience paying attention. if it were just a performing event, i think our sript would have worked better, cuz at least the audience would pay attention and notice the comments we were making. haha i think one of the more embarassing moments of the night was the introduction of the magician. we had to pretend to have an argument, and i /"surprised"/ her with a flower, but 1) she knew it was coming, so it wasnt a surprise and 2) no one was really paying attention anywae.

One thing i did realise working with Ximin, was that it is really easy to do so. we are quite comfortable with each other, but it can be weird on stage as it is kida scary up there. maybe another event? i dunno about her, but i think it would be fun, and after this hosting, i think we are due for a better performance... haha, anyhoo, towards the end of the night it got better, and when the audience became more concentrated to the band performance ( by Mike! <- name of band), the night was more fun :D

the two events were quite significant, and also i realised both is related to Delta. it just ups my interest in taking a house-based post. bcuz of SC i cant run for Houe committee this year, but i know that jane, yixiu and many of the cheereladers are running for HC, so i can always get involved by asking them for updates and helping with the planning. hopefully shaik will get House Captain, then it really will let the cheerleaders be very involved in HC.

Perhaps you could say its kind of a goal. House Captain does seem a very promising post, even if being in TA sets me at a disadvantage. but that can be left till next year. haha, goal worth working towards though!

Indifferrent. Selfish. Content.

sometimes its just better to ignore the things around me, as it saves a lot of unwanted, and unneccesary pain. Its just easier to surround youself with joy and comfort, and appreciate the things you have instead of lamenting over what you dont.

so that is where the selfishness kicks in. yes it would be selfish to ignore certain things and certain issues even if it involves you. on the other hand, it doesnt neccesarily mean that if you get involved it would become better. its all about judgment. there are bound to be things that are important and you can change, but there are just certain things that are pointless and immature, and just ignoring it would be the best option.

surrounding myself with the people i enjoy being around, or finding time to do things that you enjoy. just staying content and stable. there are many things to worry about and there are resposibilities i need to tend to, but the best way to handle everything would be just to stay positive, and to be upbeat.

Mardi Gras was a blast! the drama performance was okay, and there were certain things that were quite entertaining, but the thing was that it was a break from mundane school life, and it was a night to spend time with friends, while seeing the smiles on people's faces! Most of the night i spent wandering around on my own. It was really great seeing the J2's that came back. Derek with his crew cut was cool as usual, but it was the best when i saw Momma again! as usual she had her flari and the style she always did, and when i saw her, gave a BBIIIIGGGG hug! others i saw in the crowd were Aqil and Kia Liang. the teachers made it a success. without their sporting enthusiasm and willingness to look like complete idiots, it made the night so much more entertaining, and fun.


i think i am quite happy with life as a whole now. there are bound to be problems and days where arent so great. Maybe my schedule is starting to free up, and soon i would have more time, and so will my friends. term is taxing, im sure i have mentioned it countless times, but i still wouldnt give it up for the world.

I am quite blessed. i have been given so many opportunities to do things, and it never stops. every step of the way i learn something new, and i find something to enjoy. even when i hit a low, i know that i would always have the support i need from friends and especially family. I know i dont always reciprocate, but i try, and one of the ways i channel the support my parents give me, would be to be support to my friends.

I may need more guy friends though. I think its a new low when i end up in a conversation with 2 girls pop-quizzing me if i know the different kinds of girl clothing. Nick is cool, but like me, he is very busy too, and we always seem to have clashing schedules. Sean is another nice friend. we have similar thought wavelengths. Haish, maybe it really doesnt matter. friends are friends, and i know i can count on them, and vice versa.

so am i indifferent? Selfish? or Content? im all, and happy with it. SmileZ!

Gullible

Recently i have found it especially hard to find people that i enjoy talking to. even if it is to de-stress, or to pour my troubles without a worry of it being used against me, i just dont seem to have the time to chat, and likewise for people i want to chat with.

Mardi Gras is just around the corner. cheerleading in 2 weeks time, and quite stressed over Black Lights. but thats term 2 right? by now i should have realised that this is what the pace would be especially in the activity filled term 2. hence ironically, when I need to let loose most, the people I wanna confide in are as busy if not busier than me. still i pick my timing, and when i can i find those that i want to talk to, why settle for anything less?

So i have to admit that i can be quite gullible some/most of the time. somehow i can just get into that vulnerable state of mind where it close to doesnt matter who it is, i would just pour my troubles. sometimes i am luck and manage to find someone that actually gives sound advice, and is supportive and encouraging. but sometimes my luck is not as good, and i risk ebing betrayed and knifed in the back.

I wish i could trust people. It is never easy finding people you can tell things to. doesnt matter which gender, it is just difficult. but even so, STATISTICALLY showing i seem to talk/confide/share with girls than any guy. exception being nick of course, and there are guys that i really enjoy being around, Anu, you da man, and its guys like them that really make me feel in my sin, and just comfortable to chat and joke with. syak, jane and many others, its great having friends that even though we arent always in the same wavelength, we enjoy each other's company, and would always be there to support each other.

Term 2 comes down hard on everyone, it really strains us, and tests us, and its one of those things that you look back in pride. but that sure doesnt mean that it isnt tiring. Ash asked me, how come you seem to always have so much energy in the morning?. i dunno? maybe i have something to hyped up about, even if i dont know what it is. But this soon dies off when i go to class, and subsequently for pdp and activities. the energy tries to be there, but i realise that after a while my mind just goes on like a train, constantly chugging, but quite drone-ish and dead. so much for a second wind... but at least it keeps me going. its a short stint left to the completion of the activites, and im sure i will last till then.

Have i mentioned that juniors can be tiresome. yeah i know that i had a previous post saying how interesting school life is with TA1s around, but i come to realise that it can be amazingly tiresome sometimes as well. individuals are fine. i can talk to anyone on a 1-to-1 basis, but dealing with the TA1s as a cohort, it can be quite a handful. they seem to have a lot of time on their hands. most of them anyway, and it usually results in mindless chatter and gossip that make utter and complete nonsense. Term 2 has been quite a headache with all this chatter going around. i wouldnt mind if it didnt involve me, but balancing committments with problems in social life is really a little to much to handle.

actually its not really about age. its about maturity. and since i know the TA2s better and they have settled in and developed into the TA/TJ mindset, most of them are displaying their maturity and their potential. the shuffle in the class helped alot, getting to know the rest of the TA2 cohort, and becoming more like a cohort than just 1A-oneeeyohfive. thats what makes me want to get to know the TA2s better first. after all i have 2+ years to get to know the juniors, and i think that there is more than enough time.

DE-stress, thats the word of the day.

Duet

Elephant Song Medley


Ewan: All you need is love.
Nicole: A girl has got to eat.
Ewan: All you need is love.
Nicole: She'll end up on the streets.
Ewan: All you need is love.
Nicole: Love is just a game.

Ewan: I was made for loving you baby
and you were made for loving me.
Nicole: The only way of loving me baby is to pay a lovely fee.

Ewan: Just one night, just one night.
Nicole: There's no way, cause you cant pay.

Ewan: In the name of love, one night in the name of love.
Nicole: You crazy fool, i wont give into you.

Ewan: Dont leave me this way.
I cant survive without your sweet love, oh baby,
dont leave me this way.
Nicole: You'd think that people would of had enough of silly love songs.
Ewan: I look around and i see it isnt so, oh no.
Nicole: Some people want to fill the world with silly love songs.
Ewan: Well whats wrong with that, i'd like to know. Cause here i go again.

Ewan: Love lift us up where we belong. Where eagles fly on a mountain high.
Nicole: Love makes us act like we are fools, throw our lifes away, for one happy
day.
Ewan: We could be heroes... just for one day.
Nicole: You, you will be mean.
Ewan: No i wont.
Nicole: And i, i'll drink all the time.

Ewan: We should be lovers.
Nicole: We cant do that.
Ewan: We should be lovers, and thats a fact.
Nicole: No nothing would keep us together.
Ewan: We could steal time just for one day.
Together: We could be heroes forever and ever.
We could be heroes forever and ever.
We can be heroes...

Ewan: Just because I will always love..
Nicole: I...
Together: Can't help lovin' you.

Nicole: How wonderful life is..
Together: now your in the world.


that is the elephant song medley that was in Moulin Rouge, one of my all time favourite movies. there is just something about duets that are so fascinating, interesting, and touching. when 2 people can harmonise and compliment each other through voice, the feeling invoked is amazing.

Singing can help to get feelings out, sometimes when you feel a certain way, i love how there are songs that seem to totally encompass how you feel. sometimes through the lyrics of the song, we find deeper understanding of how we are feeling, or find the words to say how we feel.

I am looking for a duet partner. that was quite... crude, but at this time who doesnt have the rush of hormones and the craving for a confidant? sometimes relationships can be really one sided. when people pour their troubles towards you, the listener would (being a considerate friend) listen wholsomely, and not make any comments until they are done. I admit that i do and face the same thing. there are people that i confide in, but they dont usually share much about them in return, which sometimes can be quite frustrating. or instead i listen and listen, but do not share back how i feel, or my problems. So its looking for that person that you can share with, yet you can listen to their problems. that is how good friends and even relationships are formed.

I feel like i have much bottled in me, and that i cant find a suitable person for me to share with. I aint attatched (but i think that is what im bottling up anyway) and for friends that i am close to, we are all quite busy with one thing or another, so to pick up the conversation is even more difficult. maybe i could do like i previously did, and blurt to anyone i know roughly, then i would get it out, and they would learn more about me. but that is no longer what i am like, i want to keep more things to myself, and think about it more, instead of shooting my mouth off.

Such is life isnt it? when you dont want something it would naturally gravitate towards you, but the moment you want it, it naturally repels. its not so easy to throw away all your want and thoughts and just be natural. that is the idea of friends being lovers right? just when you find out you like your friend, you become less firendly, and are more conscious of your actions, and words.

Back to dreaming of my duet. i just thought of the perfect setting, 2 people in love, performing for an audience, a duet that encompasses their feelings for each other. the duet which can be called /"Our Song"/

sigh >.< hopeless...

Attention and Attraction

Some have said that i am not aware of my environment, or that i am ignorant of my "space" and it can lead to be quiteselfish, when i ignore those around me and their problems. yes i can be more carefree when the weight of the world is not bogged down on my shoulders, but then i realise that i wont have many around me that know me well, or any that i will know well either.

Truthfully, i dont think that i am very ignorant of my surrounding, but i think like most normal people, i can shut things out and ignore specific things or incidents. i sometimes even beleive that i am too sensitive even i f dont openly show it. thrown me and insult that has substance, and no matter how minorit may be, it would definitely affect me. However, after a while i learnt to seive through comments and leave out the emotionally charged bull, that actually dont make any sense at all, but what is left i can pick up on, if it is really a true things that i know i need to change, i would bear that in mind. Still, there is the shred of truth that i can unconciously ignore certain things that stare me in the face, and that can lead to frustration in certain people.

Anyway, i also have been noticing my surrounding more closely this year, and this could be some delusion of mine (or rumours that i have heard), but i may be getting more attenttion in respect with last year. It does seem a little odd, as i did feel that this year i have not been as overly friendly or hyper as last year, nor have i had teh time to go and try to know everyone in the school. perhaps its something to do with the TA year 1s. I still remember TA Orientation 06, and getting to know all the year 1s. at that time there wasnt many i knew, and i think it was only those that stood out more that i interacted with. I think i remembered 1B the most, as it was the break where they were still in the Lt, and i happened to have a breather from the rushing preperations for O nite. The accents i pulled off, and flirting with TA nicholas, as well as the gay pic with lester, one of the people that i noticed for O was clare, i mean how hard is it to notice her? haha. then of course there were others from the other classes, ximin, xiu qing, siddarth, sean, sophia, rachna etc. they just stood out, noticing them definitely was not hard.

School term started and everyone, including myself, got really caught up in work. the long days and the stressful workload, not much time for anything else. anc i kinda guess that i didnt realise how much i was getting to know the TA 1s. So i think i know a lot of people, yet it doesnt occur to me that many people know me. i still remember xiu qing metioning to me during her audition for drama.

Xiu qing: did you know that a lot of TA girls [know]* you?
J Heng: rite... i dont need to know this...
Shouvik: OMG!!! so cute! jonathan (in shouviks weird cutesy accent)
Xiu Qing: you know during that TASC talk? why do you think there was so much chatter, even giggles when you and kumarans name was said?
J Heng: oh, i thought i did something embarassing...
Xiu Qing: No. (goes on with her evil grin)

Flattered, quite a bit, embarassed, a whole lot. yet after a few days i guess i sort of dismissed it. it was not like i saw the TA juniors that often, so it did not really affect me or make me notice things that much either.

Image-conscious is what i have become more of over the year(s) in TA. friends have said that i dont look that bad, and all i gotta do is lose some weight, and it will help my image, confidence, and presentation in front of people. that is why i am spurred to go gym and find as many opportunities as possible play basketball and get myself involved in actvities that require me to move my body. Cheerleading, Road Run and other things, i feel the change in my body, and i do see a slight change in physical form. and i enjoy it too! maybe not the running portion, but i feel accomplished when i exert myself. maybe that is what isaac means. if you dont feel the push you dont feel the accomplishment. the strain and the fatigue felt are just testimony to your accomplishment.

I dont know about the looking better part, as that is not for me but rather for others to judge, but in the feeling better department, i definitely feel more confident and more gung ho to try things. a matter of empowerment. when i can play a good game of bball or can lift a flyer with ease, or getting 35 mins for a 5 km run, the accomplishment felt just pushes me to go on.

sigh.. i dont think i like holidays much now. holidays have to be packed with activities, if not i would feel like a pig/sloth/slug at home stoning in front of the TV and pigging out on junk food. after the march holidays i do feel fatter, which i am determined to work off when im back in school!

All in all, i really feel like more eyes are on me. like somehow people are watcing me. it is a little creepy at times, and can be exasperating when i dont know what they are talking about me. Insecure maybe, but then again i know that its not gonna affect me much if i know or not, its just interesting to know. I guess i have always been a sort of attention craver, but it can be weird when you get attention that you did not purposely attract. Oh well... i will just live with whatever it is. so long as my life is not severly affected by rumours, i think things will be fiiinneee!

i realised i havent hade real homemade lemonade before... maybe i can try to make some?

*ok so it wasnt actually /"know"/ but i think you can fill in the blanks >.<

term 1 forcing growth

so a term has passed, and now is the commencing of the holidays. or what is noted on the calender as holidays, but more like time to catch up, and for teachers to pile wok on us students, and for basically anyone who has freaked out or cried to come to their senses and take a sabbatical of sorts (yeah rite).

juniors are fascinating creatures. technically i have not had any real juniors for the past 3? years of my life. sec 1 no juniors, and sec 2 there was no new GEP intake in VS, and then to restart my school life by becoming the first batch of TA students here in TJC. then came this year, where the whole flux of fresh IP students came out from their secondary schools, to get severly scarred and horrified when a part of the big thing called /" LIFE/" swoops down and smacks them right in the face.

then that is where the TA 2s step in, and have experience beaming from them in every direction. to be a guiding light for each student, and to be like some kind of elder sibling to all.

along with that i think this first term has been extremely fascinating... the scandal meter has increased by god knows how many fold, but it just has been entertaining watching as these things unfold (and secretly being glad that you are not caught in the confusion and mess). so as usual, it is the spectators having the most fun (you perverse little sadists).

it was the all about the elective weeks. everything from the free and too-much-time-to-spare students, and the events that TASC came up with, it just brought the TAs together at the same time sprouting opportunity for conflict, crushes, and every form of /"coming together/".

so that way my life became better too. instead of droning in class everyday, dealing with the same people and the same work and the overwhelming urge to run out of class screaming like a bloody idiot. now there is opportunity to catch up on my social life, and find other ways of putting that hyperness to good use. i especially enjoy all the days that i get to play basketball. i could be deluding myself, but i think im getting better at basketball, and hopefully toning the right muscles too!

along with the things that i do on my own, i have to say that Movie Mania '06 was good, if not to say a great success! the night was good, and it was not so much the movies (even though i have to say that Shutter and the Longest yard was good) but it was also the company, and the various ongoings that night. i swear i have never knew how much could result from one night of TA 1 and 2 interaction. i shall not go into detail in fear of being flamed as i walk around school, but that night was just a whole chunk of fun. the people, the response, the retarded guys that cannot stop screaming during shutter, and sitting in the LT watching scandals unfold (you know who you are =D) . the food was good too, we managed to sell most of our wares, and provided enough drinks and tidbits so that ppl could constantly get their stomach's satisfied. along with hanging out with the people that found movies boring ,and decided to crap and talk rubbish downstairs with others. it concluded simply, with people leaving even before the last movie was screened, but the overall response would be to have another one.

then the second event was the inter class captains ball. even though it did not have the best planning, i think judging by the audience, they quite enjoyed it. and the competition was taken slightly further, in terms of violence, than expected. still it was a joy referreing and seeing how each team fared. there were not any extremely loud cheers, but you could tell from the shouts of encouragement, that even the supporters were having a good time as well.

i shant go all inspirational and give some pep talk saying /"oh! how wonderful the TASC is! with its amazing and fun activities!/" that might be taking it a bit too far. however, let the response stand for itself, and im sure that the cheering speaks louder than words!

i think the SC has had time to mature. we now handle our tasks better, so we can afford to make it more glam and up the standards of our activities. it is no longer trying to grasp the reins, but more like settling and now challenging ourselves to make everything better than we think we have made it. that is why im quite hyped up about Black Lights, the TA function. Movie Mania has been our benchmark, and i guess it upped our confidence by quite a fair bit.

i see myself growing. amazing how all the things that have happened makes me realise how much i am actually accomplishing. it is a bit accelerated, but i dont really feel it until the tangible results. so things definitely have picked up, and i look forward to the term to come. till next post i guess *smilez!

things have changed?

sometimes i wonder what do i want in my life right now. not in the sense of material things like i want an ipod or a mac, but rather, what do i want and need to fulfil myself at this point in my life? sounds a bit selfish as i have more than anyone could ask for. i m=do not have the best grades, but i have a great supportive and encouraging family, yet i dont show them the care and concern they require. i have a great group of friends, but i am not sure if i am giving them enough of my time and support as a friend. i have a reasonably hard working council, but then again, am i as a leader pushing them to their fullest potential? of couse what would a teenager like me be without raging hormones wanting a sense of comfort and solace in another that wears nice skirts? :)

valentines day came and went, but it was definitely eventful. my previous post did not exactly denote a sense of happiness with my class, but i garuntee that things are slowly changing. and with my old class i am finding more time to spend with them and not try to lament and relive last year, but create new and meaningful memories for this year too. valentines day and practically the entire friendship week, i spent quite a bit of money, but also enjoyed the fruits of others joy that week. i spent on flowers for many of the IPs and JCs, and me and varun (aka BIG and small) spent on kinder bueno to give the oneee/'ohfive batch, while i added on a card i made for each of them which i worked into the night preparing. i was nicely surprised by a certain star-yi who left me with a message that /" its a good year for romance for the horse, we might find someone to spend our next valentines day with."/

i guess i have more time now and perhaps less stress. the elective weeks are here, and even though my elective is quite tiresome and long, i think i am gonna have quite a lot of fun. we are supposed to create and learn about organic chemistry, apart from aspirin, i will be learning how to make soap, and even smells/fragrances for it. i being a very hands on person am sure i will enjoy it. another thing to look forward to this week is movie mania, i wont say that i am all for the planning, but the response is very good, and i think lester did a great job for publicity, and i still cannot the fact out of my head on how great and attntive the audience reactio was to the entire advert. this isnt any bootlicking, but i think most of the turnout is credited to him then anyone else.

well now i just dont want to screw things up. movie mania being one of them, but also with things between my friends, and /"friend"/. i have a tendency to worry too much about certain things. almost, no, exactly like a girl. reading too much into things, and sometimes stressing on unimportant seemingly trivial things. maybe i am starting to pick up on my father/'s perfectionist attitude. my mom and his old friends say that my father was not any easy man to work with for the fact that he was quite touchy on certain things, and could be quite the perfectionist. there is nothing wrong with wanting all things of something to go off well, but perfectionists tend to take it a tad too far. well im working on it, but there are certain things that as long as they are not settled, would irk me, or bother me, and i would feel quite uncomfortable with. to me i do see the big picture, but my picture can be quite detailed, and i would then want to make this picture as complete as possible, even though sometimes at the cost of hurting others. so, yeah, that would make me quite the hypocrite, on how i do tell people to relax and take a step back, when i myself can be just as irritating as them.

as for screwing up the other thing ( gosh that sounds so wrong!), i think i am starting to already. one thing that i have a problem with relationships that i am either too fast or too slow. they say that there is a time and place for everything, well, i happen to always pick both the wrong time and place. some of this is credited to a certain sense of insecurity, i dont exactly have abs of steel, or a flawless complexion complementing the charming face that i would so love to have. so i do make certain wrong moves, and i do happen to ignore things that stare me blatently in the face, but then again, as long as i keep trying i would keep learning right? if not, i can beleive in a certain sense of destiny, and that when i find that person, it will all fit in, and i will know that its right.

its great being eclectic. music that can suit my every mood, instead of just one singer/genre/artist that makes me unbalanced in emotion. i recently got a jazz CD that i think is really good. in fact as i post this i play that CD on my player, and i just am put in the mood to talk about my life. i actually told myself to post something a few times this month, but it just never worked out. i would reant for a while, then somehow not finish my post, and then the portion would be forgotten, and i would feel better, even if no one knows it.

i am hyper in a certain sense, and i have found ways of letting off steam, and outlets of problems other than this blog now, and guess thats why im not updating that often anymore. the blog is not meant for many people to look into my life anywae, i just blog when i feel like it. anywae, outlets i have found are things like basketball, gym, and basically anything where i can push my self slightly more than usual. and another thing is laughter. i really want to thank Hui Min for singing that ultimately crappy and silly song today. i couldnt help but fall on the floor and really roll in laughter, i think i lay there for a good 2-3 mins laughing and laughing, and no the song was not that funny, nor was her singing that bad (okay so maybe it was), but i just had all that bent up energy and stored stress, that i just pushed it all out at one go, and it left me with a light headed feeling, but a good feeling that things were looking up and changing for the better.

i have much to be grateful for. the 3 DODOs are back and it was not so much of us splitting, but we needed a break to settle into our new classes and surrounding. it doesnt feel that different anymore, like on saturday me and syak went to support jane and other dancers and DanceWorks /'06, following which i had a good time bowling, arcade-ing and watching a movie with janes family (even though jane wasnt there). then today, the dodos and ziye went to watch /"i not stupid too"/ where 2 of the 3 girls cried. jane watched it before so this time she knew what was gonna happen and was less moved, but on my right was the ever so emotional syak, and at the point where the chracter said /" i tried to save $500, to buy 1 hour of your time"/ syak was like a water fall, sniffling and fighting to hold the tears back. Haha, syak, theres not hing wrong with showing emotion, if fact i think its perfectly normal! haha, lets just keep it as its interesting watching you cry (for the rest of the movie too -_-'').

Yup, this year is changing. not better or worse, but just changing. i think somewhere in my BIG 5 assesment says i react well to change, and even though it took some time, i guess i am adapting fairly well. so all i need to do is let loose a little more, and like always things would turn out okay :) well, till the next update (when i feel like it!) and cheerleading is coming up! =P

the new year

i kind of did not have the urge to blog over the holidays. i cannot say that my holidays was uneventful, after going for my first exchange trip and having so much ups and downs in orientation, but i simply did not have that weight of my mind that i needed to unload. so now with the new school year, i go back to having a lot of things on my mind, and very little tangible things to do.

once again when you have a lot of free time, your mind would wander and think about all the good and bad things in life. perhaps my mind like to focus on the bad things, and just goes to show how insecure i am.

I dread the class change, i really am not comfortable with my new class. they are nice people and they are entertaining, but i just dont clique with them. maybe it is a kind of /"1E withdrawal"/ syndrome, or it could just be the long timetable that has caused me to think that way.

the long timetable in school is really killing me. my body has the energy, ad i can wake up like any other morning over the past year, and have the energy to almost anything, but by the end of the day, i am completely worn out no matter what time the day ends. my earliest day is 3.15 on monday, and also on wednesday, but the other days are 5.15 and 4.15. worst still is the one hour periods, where sometimes i cannot last till the end of the session. i realise that most of the time, i am in a sort of lethargic stupor, and i find myself singing britney spears, or some other chic song that is nothing but noise in class.

my class is supposed to be considered top notch, with a subject combination of 3 sci and hist, its supposedly one of the better or more /"mugger"/ combinations where the students have to like it and work hard, for history and the sciences. maybe that is daunting me a littlem and to compensate for not being that great in academics i use the class clown or class jukebox to fill in.

I miss 1E. i know i have said it a gazillion times, but i just dont feel natural without 1E around.

i am not going on a nostalgia trip and say how great oneee/'ohfive was, but i feel like the friends i made there are slipping too, and that is one of my worries. I said before that i thought i was quite frivolous in the past where i have a really close friend for a while than i lose touch and when we meet again we are not as close. in fact KL KX and sean leon, all i just have contact and chat every now and then, but if not we are doing our own thing.

something syak told me over the hols, she said that in sec school and certainly not in primary school, we wouldnt do that much for our friends, and even though we may be close in school, once we go other ways we are not that close. yet now in TJ/TA we can feel that we have closer friends and do more things together, like all the oneeeyohfive things we did, and even now going out for lunch together. this more than ever makes me want to stay close to the 1E bunch this year, and sometimes i think i overdo it, and it just comes off the wrong way.

this year has not been working out for me so far. other people tell me to wait a while and hopefully i will adjust, but now i just feel terrible, and i dont know how much more i can take.

side note: dont redo the same mistakes of yester year

I think i need something to fill me at the moment. anything, be it SC or some activity, i need something to get my mind of things, and give me some focus no matter how short term. i cant wait for cheerleading to start, or the get back my personality profile, but whatever the case i need something in my life to change, i need it.

Senior vs Hor Fun

The teacher started class by calling everyone to take out their pencil and paper and to write an essay comparing a person, apart from your relatives, that they knew to an object. little johnny john jon shabadoo was sure of what he was going to write all about.

My senior

My senior is like my favourite food, Ipoh Hor Fun. the dish reminds me of her character, she can be smooth and slick like the noodle, yet the chilli packs enough punch to make me want to eat more, just like the way she intrigues me. even though the food is supposed to be savoury, she defies convention, and like the chunks of char siew, is sweet in the multiple layers. Overall, she makes me happy, and is the perfect comfort food for me in the morning.

But like all food, if i were to eat it everyday, i would not like it as much as before. i might even dislike the taste and complain on how its faults instead of complimenting the good things that never change. I would find that the rich taste of the same food everyday overbearing, and sometimes i wish to eat something blander and less complex.

yet when i go cold turkey, i miss the taste of having it for breakfast, and i would crave Hor Fun above all else, but i can only eat the dull whole bran cereal that i have every other day.

i didnt know how to appreciate the things that were in front of me. instead of relishing the fact that i have that comfort food, instead i get cocky and think that i can go without it at all. I started to realise this, so i told myself to be happy and learn to appreciate it more, but then my grandpa started buying from a different stall and it was not the same.

Until i can convince my grandfather to change back to the previous stall, i have to be content with what i have got, i think the flavour is slowly reverting though, the stall uncle must be getting better?

but i have learnt one thing if anything at all, it would be that since i enjoy it, yet i do not want to take it for granted, i can have it once a while, and on special occasions. it would seem that i seem to meet her when something special is organised, then i appreciate her more, and i know what it is like to enjoy good food.

to my senior, you are my Ipoh Hor Fun, and you will always be =D


Senior? what do you think of my essay? do i get my A++?

Departure

I am posting this on the official last day of the school year. And i have to say that it is really a bitter sweet feeling that is really strong. At the end of this school year, when i looked back on my year, i cried, literally, this year has been the best in my schooling life so far.

I immensly enjoyed this year, and i really cannot bear to let everyone go. Mrs. Lim is going on to do more in the MOE, and will no longer be the principal of TJC. I have to say that i was quite shocked at myself. I guess it did not really hit me until after her farewell concert. i was really glad when i got the honour to hand her her present, even thought the fashion in which i did was really silly. then she went on to her speech where she gave a summary of her life story, and i felt small inklings of loss, and i guess that i wasnt fully aware how it would affect me. then it was when we went up on stage to sing the school song, that i think i really broke down. It was the start of the song, just seeing mrs lim stand there, i saw how it started from the interview, and then here where i am, on stage, one of the councillors, and honouring the best person, principle, companion and friend, i think i have ever met in my life.

from there, it was a waterfall. the tears just kept flowing, and i didnt even know what was happening to me. I have to admit that i have never felt so strongly, or ever cried in school before. It had been just too overwhelming, and especially when i come to terms with it at such a late date. It is true, /" you have to know that everything will eventually end, so while you have what you have, treasure it, and dont regret it after its gone"/. so i can say that these tears are not in vain, as it is for the good times, and the inspiration Mrs Lim has given to me. Thank you, Mrs. Lim.

It is not just her that made me weep so much, but it was more like he build up of emotions. Like i have said, this year has been the best in my schooling life, every point i enjoyed, and even with certain ups and downs i have never wished for anything else. I stepped into TJ for the first time, to have the interview for TAIP, and before coming i had no inkling whatsoever to stay dedicateed to the school. Perhaps it was that VS mentality, and the macho figure that i had to pose, that caused me to not have any emotional link with anything.

stepping into that interview room, and speaking with Mrs Lim, i felt so welcomed, so much at home, and with Mrs Lim like a mother not just to the school, but to every individual. She was the sole changer of every emotion in my body, and pretty much my entire attitude. maybe it can be considered a turnign point, and she guided me smoothly round the bend.

My feelings for Mrs Lim will never change, and she will always be my inspiration, it will be as strong as my bond with one'eey oh five. I pretty much said what i wanted to in my earlier post about the class, and i still find the class the best in IP, best in school, and the best, just.

Swifter, Higher, Stronger, just.

Slimming down

I am aware that I am overweight, but I am quite confused on what to do about it. At first I was skeptical about writing this post, the reason is that when I do post something, I want to let it out and deal with it so that it is no longer weighing in my mind. Yet, this is one thing that I wanted to make sure that I keep so that I can do something about it.

It is not that I do not want to slim down, but I just am not exactly sure how to go about doing it. I know that I can eat less and exercise more, but firstly I am not that strong at controlling and sometimes I eat more than I should, but that is something I am already working on and I think we some guidance I think I can make it, the second would be exercise, I like basketball and mass dance and that kind of stuff, but I cant possibly do that everyday, and I guess I need to do something about that.

I know that some people have told me that if I slim down my image would change for the better, and there are people who said that If I were to slim down I could look quite hot (o.O) either way, I have been quite conscious of my image recently, and I kind of am trying to look and present myself better.

Perhaps it’s the influence of the girls. I want to look better in front of them and maybe their constant engrossing over their clothes has led me to do that too. But anyway, I am glad that they have influenced me like that, because it just gives me more reason to want to change. I am not unhappy with my current image, but I guess that it can be better.

I am not embarrassed about my weight, and I guess I have come to terms with it. I am not petite, and I am tall, but sometimes I think I use my height to hide my size. I was with a few guys on Friday last week, and we were eating dinner and chatting. Then there was this girl that was quite fat, that one of the guys said had a crush on him. At first I laughed along and found her antics to flirt with him quite funny, but then I felt awkward, as I knew that I am possibly made fun of that way too. So I mentioned it to them and said, /“I am not that slim myself you know”/ they agreed but I was intrigued when they said, /“hey, but we are guys, and it is not like you don’t think you are fat, you accept it, and we do too”/. At that point I was not sure whether to feel good or bad, but I just let that matter rest. Thing is that I have friends that do not mind me being big, if they did, they wouldn’t be my friends, would they?

So now I can but try to slim down, I have never felt more driven about it. I will have problems, and I may eat more now and then, but I can try and control (I kinda want to save more for hols any way), so all the best for me and may I come back to school next year watching the shock o their face =P

In a friend

looking back at the friendship i have established this year, i think about my history of friendships, and then i sometimes think of my loneliness, when i piece them all together, i seem to get a realisation that even though i have had many good friendships in my life, it also have had the same amont of short term friendships too.

In a way, i am constantly changing, and whether i change at a fast rate or not, is not something by which i can judge. So i would assume that i have different needs at different points in my life, and hence i do not have long lasting friendships. i am not so sure whether it is reflecting on my love life, but it is evident to me that my circle of friends is ever changing, and seems to fade quite quickly too.

take for example my primary school days. i though i established some really good friends with people like Ka-X and KL. yet now, not do i barely see them, i do not chat, nor talk to them anymore either. I remember the more /"innocent"/ days, where i would be able to do, say and spout anything i want, and usually the implications are not that great. then as i grow older, the implications get graver, and overall my actions, or lack of it, has caused severe damage to both my social and emotional self.

perhaps it is a bit like Sal. she claims to be more self conscious. in a way, it seems true for myself as well. not in the physical way, as i have dealt with the fact that i am large, and i can only but work to resolve it, rather, i have been made more aware of my flaws, and i feel easily affected and influenced by the critiques of others. In a way i am quite oversensitive in certain areas, especially when isults are in a more convincing form, or somethimes if i respect the person who says it, i would be easily affected too.

i would have thought, that unlike most of my other friends, they do not have the fortune of having inter GEP events to bond more with their primary school friends, yet there are people that have friendships that have lasted a significantly long time. I guess that i do envy kenneth, as he told me of his best friend that he has known since primary 4. in a way, he has other ties with his friend other than school, his father happens to know his friend/'s father, and they know each other through a number of other ways, but the bottomline is that he has a friend which he can call abest friend, and it means more than just the petty things of friend you more than him, so you are my best friend.

of course i am not saying i am unhappy with my current friends. i know a large number of people in TJ, and i have better friendships, and i have many more acquaintences, but i feel content with status quo.

I just cannot help but wonder to myself, about the reasons my friendship has worked, or not, in the past and present. I find that it has a large extent to do with me being clingy towards people. Isaac has said, why do people have the inate desire to belong to a group? personally, i would initially disagree with him and say that i am content being alone sometimes, yet i know that his words are true, and that i do want to belong to something bigger than personal.

I tend to pull back the image of my childhood. there was once where i went on holiday to malaysia with my cousin, and her cousin. her cousin is not my cousin, as her cousin was from the other side of her family. when i first met her cousin, or guan yi, i was in such admiration of him, and i felt that i wanted to be his best friend. of course it would seem psychotic, but that was the way i thought at that age, and it was a simple wanting to be as close to him as possible. however, by the end of that holidays, he must have been really bothered by me, because i beleive i was too clingy, and would do anything to make myself likeable. from that point, it has been a recurring thought when i have friends, and it has developed me to be more passive.

i then progressed on to VS, which was more detrimental to my friendship development than ever. i was pretty much of a social outcast in VS, but the social outcasts consist of the physically different, the blacks, the munjans, the smart, the stupid, the nerds, the posers, and close to everyone, leaving nothing for the normal people. i thought i found friendship in Sean and Leon, but now they are doing their own thing, and have their own social castle to build.

but i do have to admire sean. he has been a interesting person to be friends with. recently when i invited him to buy tickets for my drama performance, he had matured more in his thinking, and he seemed to have a cler path and conscience in his attitude to life. it was inspiring to see his life change, and that he was coming into his own as well.

after all the loops i have made, somehow it all boils down to isaac. after so long, it seems like he is the reference point, and most of my derivations seem to stem from knowing him. yes i do admire him at times, and i do wish i knew him more as a person, but i still would trust my life with him more than anyone, currently. it pisses me off quite a bit when he has his mood swings and his silly ramblings. it is just hard to deal with someone that treats you so strangely, especially when you think he is a friend worth having.

I just want to know someone for who he or she really is. i do not care how weird their life is, but i just want to be in touch with the person underneath the facade. when isaac tells me things i have great repect for him, when syak told me about her life, i was honored, and i got to know a different dimension of her. i think that in a way, i wear my heart on my sleeve. i am gullible in a sense that i would tell anyone anything, provided they know me to a certain extent. i just want a friend which i can say that i know what he/she is really like, i know why they are like that and do certain things, that is what i want in a friend.

wrapping up

it has been a wholesome year with all sorts of ups and downs, and i guess that i like reflecting on this year, as it has been one of the best years of my life, it is enriching, and altough i go through a lot of shit, there is still the sense of awe, when i look back and seen what i have done.

It never occured to me how short a time we have left. the thing is that we knew at the back of our heads that we are going to split up, but we just do not really realise it with the exam stress going on.

Today i was simply doing my math revision excercise with kenneth in school. then out of the blue he turned to me and said, /" You dont realise it right?/" i was like Huh?. he went on we all dont realise it but in 1 months time, we are going to be in seperate classes.. I was kind of taken aback. it was true. i did not realise that it was so soon. and i could not think about it at all...

Many a time i have said that i am so glad i am in 1E. in fact this week i said it quite a few times to people like yee chuin and others. Apparently 1E was the leftovers class. all those that are not exactly high in academics but have interesting personalities. i should know, look at Kenneth, Marcus, Isaac, the rest of the brudders, even jane, syak, and of course wendy. 1E is so diverse in personality, that it is never boring in our class. Even other people hang out in our class, usually its just the 1A people, but even so, our class is a hangout.

I have been asking around what kind of subject combinations people are going to take. as usual my class has totally different answers from different people, and it does not really seem like many are choosing the subject combi i am doing. So there is the chance that i will have a totally different class that is kinda boring, or at least not as great as 1E.

It seems funny, because i did not think about it before. I used to feel nostalgic of my primary school, and even to a certain sense, VS. yet, it never occured to me that i will miss my class. we have grown so much together, the class and as brudders, and it really seems a pity for us to break up. Nostalgia is weird, it can occur even when you are still together.

me and kenneth spent a while lamenting and reminiscing before going back to math. It seems like just yesterday when we had our orientation. the days of doing crazy things to get points, and the stripping act for orientation night. I remember hitting it off really well with eugene, and remember the nights where isaac would scream WORK PERMIT!!! and i would throw my bulky sleeping bag at him. All the crazy things, including arguing with wendy over almost everything, and playing around with eugene.

then there has been the rest of the year. Cheerleading, House functions, SC campaigning, SC things, and now we are planning our own Orientation. It seems that we are moving at too fast a pace, and i want it to stay like this for as long as possible.

Wendy, the squabbling, the bickering, insults and just pissing each other off. in a way, it is going to be quite quiet when i am not your enemy. look at today, marcus tan asked for who is the most disliked in class, and almost immedietly, we hear I dont like Jonathan. marcus tan was simply grinning so hard... Well, there is only one wendy, and only one enemy in her eyes >.<

Jane, hmm... you are definitely interesting. working in your group for 1 term has been very interesting, cuz i have never been chased after so much for work by a classmate in my life. but yet, you are still fun loving. hmm... fun-loving perfectionist. awkward combo, but definitely suits you. its been a pleasure working with you and fun seeing how you react to the craziness of me kenneth and marcus :D

Eugene, he has gone a long way from the start of the year. it is either he has grown a lot, or i have just gotten to know him better. the strength you have shown is in class as a CG rep, and in SC as a councillor. i have not met someone quite like you, but i am glad i have. you show me that one can be so much stronger than what he portrays himself to be.

Syakirah, you are still a really muddled character! I didnt remember much of you from the orientation or even the start of the year. but now, we are like siblings, or dodo sibs, i have gotten to meet a different side of you in SC and through other things. haha, you will always be the cheeky sily person, but i know that there is more to that as well :)

Councillors of 1E. we work things out together. its just like the chopsticks and how many of us are stronger, and i know we can rely on each other no mattter what. thanks, you taught me how to be less aggresive and stubborn, and you guys have really been the best people i have worked with.

Varun, you have been remembered as the uncute cute one. you are underestimated a lot, but you just have to pick yourself up and prove them wrong. you are definitely letting yourself go to waste, but i know that you are more than that, so i think you will be fine.

Marcus, you are a serious joker, with you it never is a dull moment. you totally lame people out, and the way you react to thinngs is just simply entertaining. haha, i remember the years when you chase me out of class, never would i think you are so crazy and weird, yet the most enthu and vibrant too.

Kenneth, you wit never seems to astound me. you are just an intellectual, just that you are just so weird o.O you are like a really wise-ass kid, you know too much for your own good, but it is really fun having you around to make the group laugh like crazy even when the topic is boring out of all reason. you liven up our group. 2 terms of groupwork has just been amazing with you around.

Isaac, we go back a long way. i have so much to say, but bottomline is that i appreciate you. all the times of insults, pranks and squabbling, it has boiled down to this. i have found a person that i can trust things with. you may not always be the MOST positive person around, but you definitely have one of the most mature minds in class and perhaps TA. it has been an honor for the past 5 years of school, and i hope it will not end.

Brothers of 1E. over the past term, we have simply become closer. perhaps sometimes there are different divisions, but we share good times, and i bet if one of us is facing problems, we are there for each other. maybe we will have different brothers next year, but the brothers of 1E will be there for a long time.

1E. it has been a hell of a ride. a ride i wish i could go on again. but i know it wont happen. i have learnt so much.

Me and kenneth are planning something for the class. a memorabilia in a way. it has to be surprise though, but of course work comes first. I just cant think that there will be an easy way for 1E to split, and what else can i do but look in longing and savour our final month as a class together. CG 1E/05 forever, and may we stay strong as friends.

matters of the heart

It has always been obvious to me that at this age, and this point in my life, hormones will be raging, and inevitably, matters of the heart will be complicated. yet, it is not until you experience it, that you reallise that it truly is a bigger thing to handle that what is is perceived to be. there is no wonder why we tend to see such drastic behavior in people and within ourselves.

So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.

So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.

this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.

Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.

still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.

even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.

speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.

looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.

Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.

i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.

2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.

1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.

no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.

hit the pause button, i want to resume later.

matters of the heart

It has always been obvious to me that at this age, and this point in my life, hormones will be raging, and inevitably, matters of the heart will be complicated. yet, it is not until you experience it, that you reallise that it truly is a bigger thing to handle that what is is perceived to be. there is no wonder why we tend to see such drastic behavior in people and within ourselves.

So i realise that there is no simple way going around it,so i can only but tackle it head-on. Not surprisingly, just because i have faced it, doesnt make it any easier. im sure anyone who has devoted himself at least once, knows what i mean, and agrees, to a certain,if not full, extent.

So what has sparked me to write about such a topic, when i usually do not talk about such things? i just feel that this is the time of the year where i seem to be more reflective. After all, the promos are approaching, and its either i do not want to face my work and hence divert to other worries, or i am simply doing all the reflecting for the year, both academically and emotionally.

this year, really has been a emotional rollercoaster for me. So many diverse and profound emotiions, at the same time, and also across a span of time. it intrigus me when i look back and contemplate on my behaviors and reactions. IT never fails for me to become all moody and depressed, as when in deep thought, i tend to shut off most of the rest of hte world. Even currently, i am typing this in an MRT to tiong bahru, i just needed to let it out.

Fact is, that i feel a bit lost in terms of my companionship. i have good friends now, people that i know i can share these kind of things with, but now is not a good time for either of us, they are busy with promos, and i should be busy too, and i guess it would really be too much to ask to bog someone down at this point of the year. yet i have been feeling certain feelings that cannot simply be shoved aside. i cant do anything about it, but just live with it till after promos.

still, i will put it here as bot a reminder and a release outlet. simply put, im in a state where i have emotions for 2 seperate people that are in two different places and i have had different experiences with each. i cant seem to let any of them go. i cant let go of one for the other, and it has never happened before as when i meet someone, usually i reserve myself, and not think about the other at all.

even for my previous relationship, i had a better control, and seemed to focus and devote myself on one, without thinking about others. physical attraction is one thing, but emotional attraction is totally different. previously, i was able to really only have feelings for one, i didnt have a crush or even have a inkling of feelings for anyone other than her. Now it seems so different, and i cant do anything about it.

speaking of letting go, i have this strange recurring thought. i know, accepted and have put behind a certain person in my life. she was what once was, but no longer is. yet, i have this problem with speaking to her. i just always have had a mental barrier up, and never really thinking much of it, i would just carry on my life excluding this person. yet, recently there has been complications to the matter. i kind of identified the barrier that has been affecting me, and now it seems like the barrier has gone for sometime, but the mental barrier is still there as i had not concerned myself with her affaris hence i did not know that the reason has left. im not saying that i am having recurring feelings for her, but i am just admitting the fact that i can talk to her, yet i am not. im not sure, but i think i will not either.

looking at some of my other friends, i see that singlehood is not so bad. perhaps the benefits of being attatched is the companionship, and knowing that you will always have someone to lean on, yet there has never been a relationship without quarrles, but one knows that if there is more quarrels then good times, it will not last. I have a friend who seems really nice with his girlfriend, but he has not been having the easiest time throughout. that is the point, people do not want to devote themselves emotionally as they know that in a relationship, there is bound to be amazing highs, as well as depressing lows.

Question for me has never been whether i am ready to go into a relationship, but like some people, we think far ahead, and we worry for ourselves and the other party. im not sure how will i go into a relationship if i have 2 people i have high feelings for at the same time. can i let go one? will i regret. /"live without regret/" Nick likes to say that, i think so too, but it is hard to do so.

i think there are still a lot of things i have to think about. singlehood is not that bad, it gives time for me to get to know someone more important, myself. im still finding myself out, maybe if i know what i am like, then i will know when my decision is right. the only problem left is time. maybe it is 4 years, maybe it is 2 years, maybe i can keep trying no matter what.

2 different people. 2 different schools. 2 diferent ages. 2 different personalities. 2 different reaction to me. 2 different reactions to them. 2 people that make a difference in my day. and 2 people which i have a crush on.

1 past. 1 ex. 1 lesson. 1 decision. 1 being ignored. 1 lonely.

no regrets. no holding back. no hasty decisions. no giving up. no more time.

hit the pause button, i want to resume later.

soon...

it is 6pm, im in school, blogging, and it is 3 weeks to the promos. Admittantly, i should be studying and cramping my brain with tons of miscellenous information about Similar triangles, shakespeare's plays and secondary structure of protein. yet i am here posting, and reflecting of what i have done this year, and what i am goign to do.

Truth is, that my opinion, and to many other's too, the exams are just gonna be the paper certification for our future job. soon, everyone will have the same qualification, and it is going to speak very little to the employer, what kind of person we are. then our opinion is that the paper qualifications will no longer matter, what will matter is personality, commitment, and experience.

My take, is that i can not worry so far ahead. if i am going to think about this, i should save it for after the promos.

how has my year been? relatively, at least compared to last year, i have reason to beleive that my work attitude is changing. perhaps because i am doing marginally better, or maybe it is just the environment i am now in. No, its not very competitive, but i feel more competent, and willing to work harder to not only do better, but to show to others and myself, that i am changing.

I feel a bit bad/guilty, especially to those that look up to me. funny, i have people who actually look up to me! but yeah, i guess that people think i am more intelligent then them. i have been given the opportunity and adapt to the faster pace in GEP, but that does not make me any more intelligent. look at isaac, he is intelligent, but the key is that he works hard, i will have nothing to say if he were to get top scores.

Now i am starting to worry. i do not work as hard. i am only accustomed to the style of teaching, and i guess i am doing relatively similar to last year. this does mean that by the end of the 4 years, i will be further behind then anyone else, as while they are at my comfort with the system, their true intelligence will show, and i will eat their dust if i am not hardworking enough.

Work. that is something i am not good at. more as a verb than a noun. truth is that i dont think this really my forte. i think rather than just work, i excel more at brainstorming than the slogging over work. essentially, in one word, im LAZY.

i still am slothing my day away instead of studying, but this is where i think i put council before studies. i shouldn/'t but the truth is i do. I rather do anything, and this usually includes socialising, doing things for others, and i rather teach what i know than do work! still, i rather do things that build me up as a person, than remembering the one thing that builds people, discipline.

Sigh, what is a guy to do? i can resolve all i like and commit to studying full force, but i know that it is not really gonna happen. but until i can commit, i shall go study anyway. i think i have reached a point where i have nothing else better to do.

The new, the old and the constant

Its been a while since i posted. i have enjoyed myself utterly throughout the last week as well as the first 3 days of the hols.

I guess it started from wednesday, the very eve of teachers/' day. thanks to isaac, who didn/'t really go back to Royth, but just got the excuse to get out of school, anywae, he and i were allowed to leave school early to go back to our Rosyth. I felt a bit guilty as i was allowed to leave freely, but the rest from schools like anglican, tried so hard to get permission to leave, but they were rejected. I felt bad that i couldn/'t do anything, but it couldn/'t be helped.

When i finally reached Rosyth. i couldn/'t help be feel a bit out of place. I had come back here twice with a /"Victorian mentality/" and i cannot say that i had a very good attitude then. yet now, i come back with a totally different experience, and i felt that i was not who i used to be in this school and in vs. Then i was commenting, perhaps it was not something internal, but it could have been because it was so quiet. the RI guys pretty much made up a large portion of the guys that came back. maybe it is due to the fact one RI guy coming is equavalent to 3 people. the Rafflesian, his ego, and his ego/'s ego.

After, guan and bib came to my house. it has been eons since any ex-ro or even my classmates, last came to my house. It was really good to catch up with bib and guan, even though guan was drunk on some mocha creme which was a mocha and vodka drink i served him. I admit, that out of all the people i have met and left, i miss my primary school friends the most. As they left, we planned to meet sal the next day for vocal training which she was introducing to us.

The next day, in the morning i was still skeptical to go, yet, i managed to lug myself out of the house and meet them. bib kinda backed out, cuz she said she couldnt sing... I was wondering how sal would look like now. havent really seen her, and when i last saw bib this year, she was totally different in style and everything. Then sla came in a /"plain jane/" look which i guess you cant really say that, as, when was sal ever /"plain/"?

so the three of us (me, guan and sal) all went to the place where we were gonna try that vocal training thing. The lady was really really late, so we being immature as we are, fooled around with the mikes and played around in the area. Sal sings really well, even though she does not admit it, her speaking voice has really gone down too, cuz she says she is more self conscious. i guess it happens to best of us, i am still really chicken to try certain things though.

I/'m proud i plucked up the courage to try the vocal training, cuz not only does it allow me to spend time with the ex-ros, but it is fun and beneficial too.

Side: i never fully noticed how close our batch of 2002 GEP ex-rosythians were. i knew that we were usually good friends and generally kept in contact, but i thought that was normal for all batches. well it isnt really. why were we so close? i guess it was all the crazy stuff we did in and out of class. the fairytale dress up (fairy princess in roller blades!) and the inter class war, or even the time chong wee broke the window slide in the old rosyth building, it was really great those days.

It really seems like there are many old and new things in my life, but i am glad that i get to try more and more new things in my life. even if it is small and silly. thanks to Sal for letting me try the crazy parapara machine, i garuntee that next time we are going to spend guan/'s tokens so fast he wont see what hit him.

It was quite ironic, cuz immedietly after spending the morning with them, i spent time doing my math proj at kenneth/'s house with the rest of my group, and friends from TJ.

but for real irony, it was today celebrating syak/'s birthday. Btw, Happy birthday SYAK! you/'re 15 now! better start acting your age! haha.

the irony was that we went to exact same place to watch a movie (red eye), as where i went /"parapara-ing/" and the funny thing was that today was the first time i ever took a neoprint. apart from learning that it is very expensive, and hard to take within the short time (and cramped space), it can be quite fun to mark the occasion, and to leave happy memories.

There was something i realised. when going out with sal and guan, i felt slightly more depressed and toned down than today. i figured that it was due to my experiences with them. I knew that i was on good terms with Sal and guan, but i have to admit that i was a bit of a social reject in pri school. i guess i offended quite a few people. also, i guess its bcuz i knew that our outing would not last long, and soon we may not see each other for a while. On syak/'s birthday, i felt comfortable with everyone, and i knew that these would be a time we can talk about when we meet in school, and i felt like there was no burden of the past.

Well, apart from having 3 very fun days with my frineds both new nad old, i have also gained quite a bit of knowledge of myself and my attitude towards people. i can only but say, /"let the good time roll/", and i look forward to the next vocal training as well as the next outing any of us have. =)